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Why do teachers constantly tell me my kids are ‘quiet’?


LifesGood

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First DD, now DS.

It gives me absolutely nothing of value. When you hear it over and over again it sounds like it is seen as a fault that needs to be fixed.

Help me understand what the point of this teacher feedback is.

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Seayork2002

I would take it as being a 'closed book' or one who does not give their opinion easily or does not put themselves forward for things 

So basically ds, I see it as an observation rather than a criticism entirely.

Now I think about it also me growing up, my first job fixed that now I can't shut up (not saying that is a good or bad thing)

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Julie3Girls

I’ve had that one with all 3 of my girls with various teachers. Yes, my children do tend to be quiet in the classroom. They aren’t big talkers, they do their work, they would pretty much cause no problems.  So the teacher could just leave them be. And as a result, never actually got to  know them.  Yes, my child is quiet, she is sitting there colouring in, or reading a book, because you haven’t bothered to notice she had finished all the school work and was bored.

But the good teachers, the years that really benefitted my girls at school, those teachers never used the word quiet.  The ones who saw the quirks, the deadly sense of humour, the out of the box thinking. The teachers who looked beyond the surface. 

 

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I got this comment from every teacher on every school report and at every P-T interview for my eldest. It was definitely a criticism from most of them, including one who said that because my child never raises her hand in class, she (the teacher) didn’t know if she (my child) knew her work or not. I held back from replying that consistently getting perfect scores in tests & exams might be a clue. She blossomed after high school - got offers from all of her first choice medical schools in each state, so she nailed the interviews (if she did fail an interview for a lower choice med school, we wouldn’t ever know). Got very positive comments in all her viva voce exams.

If your child is otherwise doing well, I wouldn’t worry too much.

Edited by Sincerely
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DS never got called quiet by his teachers. But DD is a different kid. Every single one of her teachers said she was a delight to have in class because she's so quiet and never causes trouble. One said to me "I did think she wasn't listening, so I asked her to repeat back what I said, and she did, verbatim." DD worries about getting in trouble so is quiet, listens and does her work in school. DS was more opinionated and liked getting his (often oddball) point across.

I don't think quiet is a bad attribute as long as they are listening and doing their work.

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My daughter gets similar comments but it's usually followed by something like. "Needs to participate more in class discussions".  So basically shes doing all the work but wont voluntarily answer questions.  If the teacher asks her straight out she will answer, but she wont volunteer the answer without being called on.  According to every teacher shes ever had this is a bad thing. Personally I've learnt to ignore all such remarks, it's just not worth fighting over. As long as she is listening and learning I'm happy.

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LemonMyrtle

I got that as a child. Oh, and this classic one, that DH also got, was “she doesn’t ask enough questions” well, of course not, I understand the task and content so why would I ask questions?? 
teachers somehow think being quiet and not asking questions means you’re not learning or something. 
 

if their work is good and they understand it all, then just ignore the comments. 

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I have this issue with my DD, at home she is loud and happy. But as soon as she gets in a big group kid environment she is shy and reserved. I worry because I think she is overlooked at school, because she is quiet and gets on with her work. But is very much a C child. Homeschooling and screens were a nightmare for her. I've taken to mentioning this at the start of every year, turning it around to ask what the teacher does for the good quiet kids and how will they get the time they deserve to increase their learning. Some are great, her current teacher is awesome and has really drawn her out. Some just stare at me blankly. Good luck lifesgood. I worry about the quiet kids.

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Thanks for the replies - they all reflect how I feel about it.

What annoys me about it is the fact that at P-T meetings we get 5 mins to discuss our kid and they waste much of it talking about how quiet they are and that they need to participate in class discussions more. And school reports which already tell us next to nothing waste space telling us this as well.
But they never say what the problem is or why it is a problem or what we can do about it. 
Another pointless comment we get is that they are a ‘lovely’ child. WTF? Who cares?. 

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6 minutes ago, LifesGood said:

Thanks for the replies - they all reflect how I feel about it.

What annoys me about it is the fact that at P-T meetings we get 5 mins to discuss our kid and they waste much of it talking about how quiet they are and that they need to participate in class discussions more. And school reports which already tell us next to nothing waste space telling us this as well.
But they never say what the problem is or why it is a problem or what we can do about it. 
Another pointless comment we get is that they are a ‘lovely’ child. WTF? Who cares?. 

To be honest, where I work the “lovely” kids are few and far between so when we get one, we will make a comment about how much we appreciate them. Just take it as a compliment that you have raised a respectful child!

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lazycritter

I was called quiet and shy and also too "ladylike" for sport wtf? 

Until I told a teacher in grade 4 she was wrong. Which she was, but I had an argument in class with her. Then I forged her signature on my school work (because mum kept growling about teachers not marking work) and I won the little athletics trophy for my age that year. The report card charged after that. 

 

I was kicking myself that I forgot to rub out her name because I did it in pencil so I could. Also I guess I was more afraid of my mum than of my teacher. 

Edited by lazycritter
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I'm a typical 'quiet until you get to know me' type person, so most of my reports said quiet. From some it was a compliment, from others a fault.

I like my quiet kids in class, but I do also think that some are *too* quiet and need a voice- the ones that don't even ask for help one on one (or in an email- there are a few that say nothing in class then email at home which I find weird!), and need to learn that its ok to ask if you don't understand something. Depends on their age as well. In junior high school, I'd mention it and expect it to be gradually worked on but it isn't really an issue yet as it is more teacher led. In VCE it can be an issue as they aren't getting support as there is a lot more independence.

But honestly, quiet is usually a compliment. I love getting to know the quiet students in class- their quirks, likes/ dislikes. 

Sometimes we are just brain dead, or at the moment, writing reports in less than a day as students were given extensions due to power outages, but teachers we rent 😕

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22 minutes ago, blueshoe said:

To be honest, where I work the “lovely” kids are few and far between so when we get one, we will make a comment about how much we appreciate them. Just take it as a compliment that you have raised a respectful child!

That’s so nice of you as a teacher. I would have appreciated my eldest being called ‘lovely’ and ‘respectful’ rather than ‘’quiet’ and ‘should actively participate more in class’. 

The tables did turn though. After DD finished high school, DS started and at first the teachers all wrote positive comments about how he was ‘a pleasure in class’ because ‘he actively participates’, but soon realised that he was not at all shy at correcting teachers in class (he told me that he once went at lunchtime to see a teacher to tell her that her teaching was poor and listed all the things he recommended for effective teaching including reading up more and coming to class with better understanding of the topics). I suspect some of them started wishing he was more like his sisters. I didn’t get involved (I also don’t go to P-T interviews any more), but I notice that my youngest now gets comments about being ‘respectful’ and ‘a delight to teach’.
 

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Julie3Girls
50 minutes ago, onetrick said:

I like my quiet kids in class, but I do also think that some are *too* quiet and need a voice- the ones that don't even ask for help one on one (or in an email- there are a few that say nothing in class then email at home which I find weird!), and need to learn that its ok to ask if you don't understand something.

Saying nothing in class and then emailing a question makes perfect sense to me - some kids find asking questions in the classroom difficult. Worried about asking a “stupid question”, that other kids will see they don’t know something. Sometimes one on one time isn’t an option, especially for the “quiet” kids who are seen as independent workers. 
My oldest is dyslexic, wasn’t diagnosed until the end of yr7, and had huge anxiety as a result. Perfectionism in her school work was a huge issue for her.  Class time was spent focusing intensely on her work, to compensate for the dyslexia. Would have loved it if she had email communication with her teachers in primary school - maybe she would have gone beyond being ignored as the “quiet child” and maybe they would have realised she had a significant learning issue. 

I’m sure there are many other similar reasons for why a child might not want to ask a question in class.

My Dd2 in senior high school will often email/message her teachers. It is strongly encouraged by the teachers - sometimes questions occur to you after class, sometimes the teacher has been busy giving someone else one-on-one class time

Email is private, and just easier for a lot of people.  At any age ... just look at the number of people who prefer to txt or email in preference to  making a phone call.  If a student is more comfortable asking for help in that way, then I am immensely happy that it is an option.

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Chillipeppers

I used to get “quiet achiever” which was a bit more than just quiet I guess, but my parents always saw it as a negative trait. 

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I also get this, for all three of my children.  And it annoys me that introverts aren't valued, that you have to be a confident personality to be noticed by teachers.  

In almost every instance, a comment of 'quiet' by the teacher equals 'doesn't participate enough in class and therefore isn't learning'.  

I wish I knew what the answer is, OP.  Because DS is in Grade 11 and still gets these comments.  

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ArabellaKagical
2 hours ago, LifesGood said:

Thanks for the replies - they all reflect how I feel about it.

What annoys me about it is the fact that at P-T meetings we get 5 mins to discuss our kid and they waste much of it talking about how quiet they are and that they need to participate in class discussions more. And school reports which already tell us next to nothing waste space telling us this as well.
But they never say what the problem is or why it is a problem or what we can do about it. 
Another pointless comment we get is that they are a ‘lovely’ child. WTF? Who cares?. 

Can you give the teacher input? there is nothing wrong with being quiet in itself, especially if they are handling school work well, so a teacher can't always tell if its an issue - ia child that is quiet at home and quiet at school is not likely an issue but if the child is not quiet at home but quiet at school, there may be an issue to sort out.

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2 hours ago, 4hunter said:

My daughter gets similar comments but it's usually followed by something like. "Needs to participate more in class discussions".  So basically shes doing all the work but wont voluntarily answer questions.  If the teacher asks her straight out she will answer, but she wont volunteer the answer without being called on.  According to every teacher shes ever had this is a bad thing. Personally I've learnt to ignore all such remarks, it's just not worth fighting over. As long as she is listening and learning I'm happy.

Absolutely agree. One of my DS’s gets this comment from teachers too. It frustrates me that this style of learning doesn’t seem to be appreciated. In the real world we need a mix of thinking/learning styles!

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1 hour ago, Julie3Girls said:

Saying nothing in class and then emailing a question makes perfect sense to me - some kids find asking questions in the classroom difficult. Worried about asking a “stupid question”, that other kids will see they don’t know something. Sometimes one on one time isn’t an option, especially for the “quiet” kids who are seen as independent workers. 
My oldest is dyslexic, wasn’t diagnosed until the end of yr7, and had huge anxiety as a result. Perfectionism in her school work was a huge issue for her.  Class time was spent focusing intensely on her work, to compensate for the dyslexia. Would have loved it if she had email communication with her teachers in primary school - maybe she would have gone beyond being ignored as the “quiet child” and maybe they would have realised she had a significant learning issue. 

I’m sure there are many other similar reasons for why a child might not want to ask a question in class.

My Dd2 in senior high school will often email/message her teachers. It is strongly encouraged by the teachers - sometimes questions occur to you after class, sometimes the teacher has been busy giving someone else one-on-one class time

Email is private, and just easier for a lot of people.  At any age ... just look at the number of people who prefer to txt or email in preference to  making a phone call.  If a student is more comfortable asking for help in that way, then I am immensely happy that it is an option.

Sorry, I totally didn't type 'weird'. I'm trying to work out why my phone has made me look like an ass but I can't think of what I meant! I think 'works' maybe? As in 'I find it works'.

I love my emails from kids. I have lots that just email :)

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I'm now sitting here upset that I have made things worse. 

I'm so sorry.

I would delete/ edit my comment above, but @Julie3Girlshad some really good points that I think should stay.

Sorry again.

I'll try not to reply about something so important while multitasking in future (I'm at home today so I was on my phone while being mum). I usually proof read before sending with anything I reply to 'as a teacher'  but I didn't.

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My kids have always gotten the same. They never talk in class, never raise their hands or volunteer to talk. My older one is very intelligent but is painfully shy. She does talk to her classmates but just feels shy about being the one standing up talking in front of the class. She does it when she has to though. At home, she is super loud and talkative, bossy, funny, super creative, kind and has always been a good kid. Like really one of the good ones. 
 

My youngest at is home, loud and boisterous, strong willed, incredibly funny and just a tornado running around the house. In school? Not a sound. Quiet and just get on with school work. 

They are fine playing with their friends though. Although my older still won’t make the first move to talk to any new kids etc. We keep an eye but I don’t know what else we can do. 

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I got quiet achiever all through high school. I suppose at least they could see I knew all my work, but participation in class really isn't the be all and end all, I would only be worried about a student if they weren't asking for any help but needed it and I could see that without them having to speak in front of the class. I think possibly a lot of teachers use quiet either as 'need to participate more' or 'cause no trouble in class', but I'm not sure either are particularly helpful

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6 minutes ago, Kallie said:

I got quiet achiever all through high school. I suppose at least they could see I knew all my work, but participation in class really isn't the be all and end all, I would only be worried about a student if they weren't asking for any help but needed it and I could see that without them having to speak in front of the class. I think possibly a lot of teachers use quiet either as 'need to participate more' or 'cause no trouble in class', but I'm not sure either are particularly helpful

My oldest used to not ask for help even if needed. Gotten a little better now but still would rather keep quiet till got home. I don’t want to force the issue and have her stop coming to us as well so we just let it be. 

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3 minutes ago, Mocha said:

My oldest used to not ask for help even if needed. Gotten a little better now but still would rather keep quiet till got home. I don’t want to force the issue and have her stop coming to us as well so we just let it be. 

I guess, as a teacher I would see that reflected in the work submitted and ideally make a plan to spend some more time with that student and find a way they are comfortable asking for help, be it email from home or if I can dedicate a few minutes in class or lunch/ afterschool etc. I mean if they didn't take up anything I couldn't force the issue either, but making sure the assistance was available in lots of different forms in just part of the parcel of me doing my job imo

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