Article about the Nuclear family...

[Pukeko]

Has anyone else seen this article in the Guardian by Sophie Brickman? I was totally expecting a village/grandparent take on raising a child....this solution was not what I was expecting!!

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/oct/25/parenting-young-kids-exhausting-rethink-nuclear-family

It's not for me - but I'd love other opinions!!

 

 

 

[Kallie]

It would be strange to get used to, like I haven't lived with another adult (besides dh) since we got our own place together like 10 years ago. But, if everyone's happy with it, I'm all for it. The current way of doing things is terrible. I certainly hope to offer my kids more support if they have kids of their own, but even that may not be enough

[Seayork2002]

I notice people complaining 'its my child the child has be raised my way' type posts or relatives are interfering or because a parent is doing something different to 'society' they feel judged then there is parenting by labels so I guess it could work if everyone parenting styles match

But I dont feel the need personally to do anything different 

[Lurker]

"what if you can't find a third parent who happens to be asexual?"

Well then you're not trying hard enough are you, they're a dime a dozen!

[Kiwi Bicycle]

Well I already think these families already exist. The aunt living with a sister's family, the grandmother living in a granny flat. The family who has flatmates to help with the rent, two solo mums living together.

Look at Maori and Polynesian families, they already live in multi family/ friends residences. A extra person might not be parenting the children, but could be sharing cooking and cleaning, which reduces pressure on parents. 

[Pukeko]

4 minutes ago, Seayork2002 said:

I notice people complaining 'its my child the child has be raised my way' type posts or relatives are interfering or because a parent is doing something different to 'society' they feel judged then there is parenting by labels so I guess it could work if everyone parenting styles match

But I dont feel the need personally to do anything different 

I think that's why it wouldn't work for me - I already hate to compromise with DH - I can't imagine adding someone else to the mix!!

I think everyone would need to be pretty easygoing for it to work well!

[Pukeko]

4 minutes ago, Kiwi Bicycle said:

Well I already think these families already exist. The aunt living with a sister's family, the grandmother living in a granny flat. The family who has flatmates to help with the rent, two solo mums living together.

Look at Maori and Polynesian families, they already live in multi family/ friends residences. A extra person might not be parenting the children, but could be sharing cooking and cleaning, which reduces pressure on parents. 

I think that was the kind of article I was expecting, as I agree those systems often work really well. A friend of mine's father moved in with her stepfather after her mother left (4 kids between them) as it helped combine resources and actually seemed to work pretty well too.

I would struggle to intentionally create a family with 3 different groups of people as I don't think I would want so many other influences on my life.

[Tinsel]

I'm still trying to get my head around cooking scrambled eggs for a kinder child's breakfast.

[Lou-bags]

1 minute ago, Tinsel said:

I'm still trying to get my head around cooking scrambled eggs for a kinder child's breakfast.

I'm confused. What's wrong with cooking scrambled eggs for kids breakfast?

[Tinsel]

Seems like a lot of work if you've got a baby in arms, a toddler and one in kinder.  And a partner away on a business trip.

That's all.  

 

 

[CrankyM]

3 minutes ago, Lou-bags said:

I'm confused. What's wrong with cooking scrambled eggs for kids breakfast?

Me too. I regularly make scrambled/fried eggs or porridge or a simple cooked breakfast because at least I know the kids have eaten something because they often won't eat much if any lunch/recess. And this gives me the chance to get more protein into them (we use a high protein porridge mix from Red Tractor).

[Greenbean]

Scrambled eggs takes 2 minutes if you do one egg only. Much quicker than frying or boiling

[CrankyM]

2 minutes ago, Greenbean said:

Scrambled eggs takes 2 minutes if you do one egg only. Much quicker than frying or boiling

It takes me about 5 mins to make breakfast here. Probably as much time as it would to help make the usual cereal + milk... actually the younger kid will now fry his own eggs or make scrambled eggs now.

[Jane Jetson]

I'm all for rethinking the gender roles inherent in the existing nuclear family model. And I'm *very* keen to re-examine how working outside the home functions in terms of a capitalist system that fails to provide necessities (eg secure housing, disability support, parenting support) and the work that needs to be done to access these necessities.

But yeah no, intergenerational and multi-family living isn't for everyone. It's certainly not for people who have controlling and authoritarian older generations who still think their kids are 15 - or 5 - not 45 (hi there). It's not for heavily introverted people (hi there). It's not for people who have shall we say "difficult" family members (hi there, and hi from the hellish six months my sister spent living with us. Never. Again). It's not for people who don't like the everyone-knows-your-business aspect of small communities, whether that's a village or a big share house. For this sort of thing to work out, you also need everyone involved to be a reasonable person. There are far too many people who are not.

I'm sure it works for those for whom it works, but I'd rather look into messing with the lack of support shown to families (of all variations) for necessities which are part and parcel of the capitalist model - and the exclusion of many from them - as well as the gender norms around the nuclear family instead.

[Lou-bags]

46 minutes ago, Tinsel said:

Seems like a lot of work if you've got a baby in arms, a toddler and one in kinder.  And a partner away on a business trip.

That's all.  

 

 

Fair enough. I don't really find scrambled eggs a lot of work- they used to be one of my quick and easy brekkies (when the buggers used to eat them). I used to make them for brekkie regularly with a baby and toddler (not 3 kids, I know, but still).  I find preparing their oats more annoying than eggs (and that's even using the microwave). 

I guess it depends on what the alternative breakfast is.  

[Fruitmincepies]

If my kids ate eggs I’d scramble some for them every morning. DD will sometimes eat porridge, but mostly just dry cereal, and I have to trick DS into eating anything at all by giving him a piece of toast when we are in the car. 

[Lou-bags]

Agreed @Jane Jetson.

I also framing a set up that involves moving others into the home to share the childcare and domestic load as some amazing solution that we all need to relax and get on board with (as our current nuclear families are apparently deeply flawed and broken) turns what should be a society problem back on to individuals. I’m am not here for that. At all. 
 

I don’t think having a third parent set up like described in the article is anything like ‘the village’ of the past. Or anything like a traditional multigenerational home. 
 

Huge difference between a grandparent supporting and backing up a parent - in their role as a grandparent vs a third parent with equal say in parenting decisions etc.

I’m sure it works for some people. But it isn’t anything close to the answer for most.  

[Jane Jetson]

@Lou-bags That's it, exactly. There's no structural change to child care and other parenting support or respite care or disability care or housing affordability involved. The article examines none of that. It's all just, "move in some other people, it's totes good, problem solved". No, it's another band-aid and one which is not at all going to help people who would find it difficult or impossible.

It's like when people decide that the answer to housing affordability is for people to move out of the cities. What happens if everyone follows the individual-responsibility solution and does that? Well, we're seeing that now with locals priced out of their own towns.

[Kreme]

@Jane Jetsonas an introvert I was thinking “have someone live in my house, are you mad?!!” LOL. Yes some people would love these types of arrangements, I am not one of them. Also the high care years do go by quite quickly. What happens when you don’t need extra babysitters any more - kick them out?

[Pukeko]

2 minutes ago, Kreme said:

@Jane Jetsonas an introvert I was thinking “have someone live in my house, are you mad?!!” LOL. Yes some people would love these types of arrangements, I am not one of them. Also the high care years do go by quite quickly. What happens when you don’t need extra babysitters any more - kick them out?

YES!!!! I feel tired even thinking of the emotional work that would be involved!!!

[Moomintroll]

Of course there would be a huge amount of emotional work involved in parenting a child with more than 2 parents. But I know quite a few people who do it. One family I know has raised 2 children (one now 18) within a 3 way poly relationship, all living in the one house. Another family I know have 2 (lesbian) mums and 2 (gay) dads, but not all living in the same house. All making it work. 

And if you don't want a third parent there's always au pairs I guess, or boarders who get free rent for a bit of baby help. 

I have had 4 boarders over the past 10 years, not to help me raise kids but for other reasons, and honestly it has been a great experience. But I am pretty easy going I think. When I am old if I am alone and lonely I will definitely consider getting a younger helper/boarder. 

It can be good thinking outside the box. 

[Kreme]

@Moomintrollbut those situations involve emotional connections between the adults. That’s not all that different to divorced parents who are repartnered and sharing custody. This is talking about bringing in an unrelated adult purely for the purpose of childcare. It seems like a dramatic solution to a short term problem. As mentioned above I’d rather see pushback on corporate expectations as my out of the box thinking rather than changing my family dynamic and massively increasing my stress (as an introvert a boarder sounds like a nightmare to me, great if it works for others). 

[Lees75]

Personally, I couldn't think of anything worse! But I have been a single parent (65-35% shared custody) since my kids were 5 and 2, nearly 13 years now, and even though I am an extrovert, the idea of a second adult (other than my now 18 yr old son!), let alone a 3rd adult sends shivers down my spine! 

However, I sometimes wonder if single-parenting, with a good co-parenting relationship, and some shared custody arrangements, is maybe easier, in some aspects, than negotiating in a nuclear family?  I would definitely think my situation with XH is a lot healthier than a lot of nuclear families I know, where the only benefits they seem to have that I don't are financial, sexual and someone to stay home with one child while you drive late at night to pick up a teen from a party! 

[little lion]

Another interesting take on family structure is the Mosuo people: https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/01/the-kingdom-of-women-the-tibetan-tribe-where-a-man-is-never-the-boss

[Black Velvet]

No way in hell would I do that. I am an uptight, anal, control freak, introvert and just the thought of it is making me anxious.