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Real impact of patriarchy on your life currently


Alta Gaudia

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Alta Gaudia

So this thread was sparked by a discussion I'm having elsewhere, where part of the difficulty in communication was defining exactly where the biggest issues with patriarchy are, currently.


(I had one person trying to say that employment demographics were really beside the point).


But that got me thinking; where do we most keenly feel the impact of patriarchy today? What's our current lived experience of it, collectively? I'd be grateful to know what you think!

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MintyBiscuit

I am not being flippant here. Patriarchy. Matriarchy. Why differentiate?

 

Probably because the patriarchy exists and regularly impedes the rights of women, whereas the matriarchy doesn’t exist as a broad social construct, only in certain communities, and doesn’t impede people’s rights?


Anywhoooooo. Personal impact for me is in health - I have few options when it comes to my menstrual/sexual health because those are “women’s issues” and funding doesn’t get out towards them. My hand hurts because phones are built for men’s hands.


Broadly, I think the impact of the patriarchy is pretty obvious in the abhorrent reality of domestic violence in this country - two awful murders just this week. And yes, not all men, blah blah blah, but the systems that exist to protect really exist to protect straight white men. Rape culture impacts all of us. Fewer women in positions of power means their needs are more regularly overlooked at both a macro and micro level - that impacts all women.


Basically I read this book and it opened my eyes to just how huge the impacts are every single day

https://www.penguin.com.au/books/invisible-women-9781784706289

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Not sure about your stance on matriarchy. It is more subtle than patriarchy. Both are abhorrent.


As people. no gender...what do you do?

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The *boys will be boys" attitude. Boys playing roughly with girls and other boys against their wishes. Does my head in. See it regularly in the playground.


I am highly educated. But I am unable to work because I have become the primary carer for my child. Why did this happen you ask? Well my less qualified husband is paid significantly more than me and we couldn't survive on my wage.


Male violence. I often feel unsafe out and about, just having to always consider situations and what people's (well men) intentions are.

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I am not being flippant here. Patriarchy. Matriarchy. Why differentiate?

 

Probably because the patriarchy exists and regularly impedes the rights of women, whereas the matriarchy doesn’t exist as a broad social construct, only in certain communities, and doesn’t impede people’s rights?


Anywhoooooo. Personal impact for me is in health - I have few options when it comes to my menstrual/sexual health because those are “women’s issues” and funding doesn’t get out towards them. My hand hurts because phones are built for men’s hands.


Broadly, I think the impact of the patriarchy is pretty obvious in the abhorrent reality of domestic violence in this country - two awful murders just this week. And yes, not all men, blah blah blah, but the systems that exist to protect really exist to protect straight white men. Rape culture impacts all of us. Fewer women in positions of power means their needs are more regularly overlooked at both a macro and micro level - that impacts all women.


Basically I read this book and it opened my eyes to just how huge the impacts are every single day

https://www.penguin.com.au/books/invisible-women-9781784706289

 

3. There was a 3rd murder today :-(

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The *boys will be boys" attitude. Boys playing roughly with girls and other boys against their wishes. Does my head in. See it regularly in the playground.


I am highly educated. But I am unable to work because I have become the primary carer for my child. Why did this happen you ask? Well my less qualified husband is paid significantly more than me and we couldn't survive on my wage.


Male violence. I often feel unsafe out and about, just having to always consider situations and what people's (well men) intentions are.

All of this.

My DS is a really gentle, kind, soul, and has been picked on by a couple of the 'boys will be boys' boys. I hate it.


I am in the same position as you - highly educated, but primary carer for my children because DH's job pays so much more. Have very little super in comparison, too. Feel quite down about the fact that I'm not using my skills, knowledge, qualifications, or experience in the way that I could be if I was not primary carer.


And yep, the constant threat of male violence. It's so ubiquitous that we don't even notice we're dealing with it half the time. I went to a concert (Harry Styles) a few years ago which was attended pretty much entirely by women, gay men, and the occasional father of a younger girl, and the absolute joy and freedom of being able to just...relax, and enjoy the concert, without fear of drunk and/or gropey men, was liberating. I had/have never experienced anything quite like it.

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The biggest ones for me are the uneven burden of domesticity and child rearing (I don’t care how good your husband/partner is, this is bigger than individuals and even in the rare truly equal relationship the woman will still bear the burden in wider society).


And the second is men’s violence. The way it modifies the way I and other women can live our lives.



Edit- Oh, and in the time it took me to write my post others have posted with similar thoughts so these are clearly key issues.

Edited by Lou-bags
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I don't know how to reply to any of this. As I have not really been afraid. Of men, or where I go. I grew up in Sydney and went to Kings Cross to hang around when I was 16/17 and learnt how not to be a victim (more than likely from those that were victims).

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The biggest ones for me are the uneven burden of domesticity and child rearing (I don’t care how good your husband/partner is, this is bigger than individuals and even in the rare truly equal relationship the woman will still bear the burden in wider society).

Yes, this is so true. My DH is truly amazing, super aware of these issues, and actively works on making sure things are as equal as possible. And STILL he doesn't see so much of the imbalance, he doesn't notice the mental load, doesn't understand the societal burden, and there are so many things he doesn't consider - because he has never had to.

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Not necessarily impacting me right now but in the recent past.

1. I worked in a role where more than 90% of frontline workers were women, 50% of lower management are women. Less than 20% of upper management were women.

2. I previously worked in a role where 85% of the frontline workers were men. 95% of lower management were men. 100% of upper management were men.

3. Health. DH has had some health issues recently. Not once has it been suggested he's imagining it or anxious. Every woman I know experiencing similar has been told "it's probably just anxiety".

With DS I was consistently told I was imagining things, it was anxiety, maybe I wasn't coping with parenting. When DH said "no these symptoms are happening, the doctors literally sat up and took notice. Not once did anyone question the accuracy of what DH was saying or suggest he didn't know what he was talking about, even about things like say breastfeeding feeling different. He was believed. Every single time. And every other mother I met had had the same experience as I had, time and time again.

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Learned how not to be a victim? Are you fucking serious?

 

Yes I am serious. Maybe I should have worded it better. I learnt how to look after myself. amd not be so accepting of people. If I didn't like who they were, I walked away, If I didn't like what they did I walked away (not necessarily how people would do nowadays).







.

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Learned how not to be a victim? Are you fucking serious?

 

Yes I am serious. Maybe I should have worded it better. I learnt how to look after myself. amd not be so accepting of people. If I didn't like who they were, I walked away, If I didn't like what they did I walked away (not necessarily how people would do nowadays).


.

Well, when I was 12, I ran away, not just walked, and the 4 older boys boys still caught me and pinned me down.


Your post is quite insensitive.

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[mention]Lees75[/mention] I am so sorry.


Fuck the patriarchy. And fuck all the men who don't call out the violence and inappropriate behaviour of men and boys. Why does it always fall to women to call out this behaviour, even though we are the victims of it. Men need to grow some balls and take ownership of the issues. Oh wait, that's right they won't because it doesn't affect them.


Yes, I am angry tonight. I think I should buy one of those swear word badges. Or maybe all of them.

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@Lees75 I am so sorry.


Fuck the patriarchy. And fuck all the men who don't call out the violence and inappropriate behaviour of men and boys. Why does it always fall to women to call out this behaviour, even though we are the victims of it. Men need to grow some balls and take ownership of the issues. Oh wait, that's right they won't because it doesn't affect them.


Yes, I am angry tonight. I think I should buy one of those swear word badges. Or maybe all of them.

 

This I am so sick of women having to call out men’s violence & i am so sick of hearing that women are violent too every time the topic is brought as an excuse to not address the problem.


Lees75 i am also so sorry.


The biggest way patriarchy effects me is in relation to mens violence. I’m a family violence worker so get to see everyday just how damaging it is to women & children & this week has been a terrible reminder of that. Also as a woman I naturally have to think about my own safety. I hope one day we can see patriarchy destroyed but I don’t hold out much hope it will happen in my lifetime.

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A letter to elise

As someone with endometriosis and several auto immune diseases (that are more common in women), not having my pain taken seriously. Not even by my husband sometimes. I just have to soldier on regardless. Even doctors are an issue. Trying to explain that my other health conditions mean I really can’t take NSAIDs, and I’m not just being neurotic and trying to get codeine for fun. I plan Drs appointments in my head, trying to think of t.he best thing to say to get them to believe me. My husband has never had to do that.


The last few weeks, my kids, husband and I have all had a nasty case of bronchitis. I am still getting up with the kids every day at 5.30. He has been sleeping 12 hours a night because he’s sick. So am I, but not once has he suggested that I should get an early night, or that he’ll take over kid duties for a bit so I can rest too. Last night he was angling to get my last two codeine tablets so he could sleep even more, when he knows full well I will need then when my period hits, and I can’t always get them promptly from my specialist. He is completely oblivious to how sexist and selfish he can be,

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Learned how not to be a victim? Are you fucking serious?

 

Yes I am serious. Maybe I should have worded it better. I learnt how to look after myself. amd not be so accepting of people. If I didn't like who they were, I walked away, If I didn't like what they did I walked away (not necessarily how people would do nowadays).


 

 

This is called "just world fallacy" and is another way patriarchy affects women. Women convincing themselves that the reason they've been safe and others haven't is down to them handling situations better than other women. It's whistling in the dark to keep your courage up when in reality, you were just lucky enough not to meet boys who were truly committed to the cause of assaulting you.


I'm not sure if it's kind to burst your safety bubble like this but it's actually really damaging for survivors to hear others trotting out "just world fallacies". Not only does it minimise their experience, it blames them for what happened to them.. Slow up on the point scoring and think please.

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I remember as a young adult moving to Sydney not long after and not far from where Anita Coby was murdered, in the late 1980s. There was so much outrage and I was so stressed by having to get around by myself at the time. So your question as to what impacts me, is this, how many years on, over 30, we are still dealing with the same crazy awful safety issues way to much. I plan my work life, so I don't have to walk to my car at night after work. Whilst we have our current form of gaslighting patriarchy, I can see if changing.

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ClaudiaCosette

Chiming in as another who is more highly qualified than DH, yet I am the SAHP because I'll never earn as much. My mum had exactly the same experience, and was never able to regain her career once us kids were older. It worries me, too, that I will never do any more meaningful work, because I'll be close to 40 by the time I can even think about it, and who will hire me, not having worked for a decade?


And seconding the PP about sickness. When DH is sick and takes a sick day from work, he gets to stay in bed all day. When I'm sick, I still have to deal with kids all day. DH gets over, say, a cold, in about 3 days. My colds last about 4 weeks. I'm sure if I had the chance to actually rest and recover, I'd get better a lot sooner.


I'm fortunate not to have any first-hand experience of violence from men. But I am deeply saddened and shocked by everything I read and hear about the treatment of women (and children) by some men.

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I'd rather not get into any of the more serious impacts for me personally right now because self care. Though I did recently bail on a solo day trip I'd planned because a woman was dragged into bush and raped at the destination.


One of the things that weighs heavily is those more serious experiences being so common a news item that it's almost impossible to go through the world without having the violence in your face at every turn and getting triggered and ungrounded.


And having it officially confirmed that if you live with the impacts of prior violence on your mental health that every predator has been given the green light to assault you with no consequence because apparently people with trauma symptoms have no credibility.

Wanna talk about the tribe has spoken Scotty? You're the friggin chief of the tribe and you tacitly supported the notion that women whose mh has been impacted by trauma have no credibility. Confirmed by the NSW police, the friggin PM, the Perpetrator General and half the news media (Hi PVO) You just made it unsafe for half the country to ever reveal mh struggles to anyone;. Because if there's a predator who hears the info you're a walking target,


So yeah, we live in a country where our leaders give men permission to rape women, as long as they pick their target carefully .

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Caring responsibilities has meant more time out of the workforce and less super.

 

3. Health. DH has had some health issues recently. Not once has it been suggested he's imagining it or anxious. Every woman I know experiencing similar has been told "it's probably just anxiety".

With DS I was consistently told I was imagining things, it was anxiety, maybe I wasn't coping with parenting. When DH said "no these symptoms are happening, the doctors literally sat up and took notice. Not once did anyone question the accuracy of what DH was saying or suggest he didn't know what he was talking about, even about things like say breastfeeding feeling different. He was believed. Every single time. And every other mother I met had had the same experience as I had, time and time again.

Not being believed by doctors has been a frustrating one for me. Pain and weakness had been explained off as anxiety and depression, so here’s a script. Even after the cause was accidentally found through an X-ray the doctors still dismiss the pain and referred me to meditation, calming strategies or antidepressant. The surgeon wouldn’t accept my description of pain until after the mri because I might not be reliable in my recounts, but the mri clearly shows the damage so now what I say makes sense and can be real and accurate. Male family members have never experienced that kind of questioning.

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LemonMyrtle

Personally, it affects me in the ways mentioned here too, which is domestic load, childcare, and pay.


DH and I have the same degree. He earned more when we were young, mostly his ambition, but also just cause. Then I had kids, and as usual, he got promotions while I went part time. Now the differences in our salaries is ridiculous, insanely different.

Then there is the cost of childcare, even when I worked, every dollar I earned was offset by childcare costs, so why work at all??


So now I have less income, less super, lower level job, etc.


I don’t mind the lower level job cause I tried a senior role once and it was too stressful, but I do wonder if I wouldn’t mind a bit of extra work stress if I didn’t have the household thought load as well? I’m even regretting taking on an extra work day this year cause I am struggling to get everything done. So that’s all part of it.

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Currently, being massively underpaid and under recognised for my experience and qualifications due to having time out of the workforce to raise a family. All the systems fail working mothers.

Also men in charge who look at the skills they want through their male lens.

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lollipoppsy

I'm agreeing a thousand times over with what has been said here, but another one I hate is having to think how I'll dress.


I'm quite busty and I am *constantly* having to think about what message my outfit will send out and then dealing with men who quite openly stare/lick their lips or *accidentally* brush against my breasts or put their hand on the small of my back if they let me walk first through a door. Having constantly being described by colleagues as "she's the one with the big t!ts"


Men aren't reduced to being a physical feature. It would be nice to be thought of as an actual human being instead of a walking pair of breasts.

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