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The mental load


Everlong

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Oh, this thread is relatable! DH is like many on here- will do as asked, but my problem is that by asking it implies that I need to be the one to remember everything in the first place.

I created a joint email account for us, using the Netflix password for it so he couldn't claim not to know it, and directed the kids things to there.... but he doesn't check it. Aarghh!

Birthdays are the thing that frustrates me. We are between birthdays for my two and I don't think he knows what any of the presents are, didn't do anything for the party planning (I literally had to ask about specific people's RSVPs before he would say anything...) and just expects it all to happen. So it does, because my kids love it.

The worst bit is that with the latest medical thing for our boy (not too serious, but will.mean more investigations, more things to understand and more time), I'm going to ask to step back at work as I can't do it all and DH had the audacity to look smug and say 'I told you you were taking on too much'. Nope. Could absolutely do the work thing if I didn't have to do all of the thinking and kid stuff at home (we both work the same number of days part time and share the physical cooking/ cleaning stuff pretty well, but the thought load is drowning me).

Sorry for the 'me, me, me'.

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Okelydokely

I dropped my kids and husband at the airport Friday night and they are interstate for a week now.


I am just blown away by how free I feel, how little I have to think. It’s making me feel really depressed because I’m truly realising how big the impact has been on me lately.


I hope I can have a frank discussion with him when he gets back about sharing the load.

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Same problem in our house too. We're in the process of moving back to Australia and having to pack up the house. DH is stressed and complaining about the 'mess' everywhere. The boxes of stuff, sorted, cleaned and packed to send by myself. I told him if he wants it all gone that he needs to actually do some of it so we can organise shipping. So he asked what I want him to do. When I told him to go round the house and pick what he wants to send, he said he wants nothing. So I asked if he'd be happy for me to throw out anything I haven't packed away and of course he said no. Then when I pointed out the obvious issue with his responses, he asked me what I wanted him to pack...of his own stuff!!!

Today he's complaining because I ordered some things to take with us because we'll be doing 2 weeks of quarantine with 3 kids under 6. Except guess who'll be in charge of packing my own suitcase + 3 kids?!?! Not him!!! He thinks we can just order everything we need when we get there but with how strict Melbourne is going to be with deliveries, I know it just won't be possible. Which I only know because I've done the research. By myself!

I've a mind to pack my own suitcase and sit back and watch the carnage

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Just a quick note - as women get older and hormones fluctuate more, there can be a direct effect on executive function (ADHD families will be familiar with this already ;) ).


So all the decision making and planning and STUFF that we did when our hormones were more stable (assumption here) is going to be that much harder as they begin to change.


I’ve also in the last few years delegated tasks and thought load ownership to DH including - his family - he organises their gifts etc and also gift ideas for our kids. I was so sick of having to come up with ideas, research them, pass them on to respective grandparents and just bloody manage it all.

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Oh and then there was the time I got pulled over by the police and fined $750 because the car was out of rego, even though he said he had paid it. Apparently he had got distracted mid-payment and didn't finalise it.

 

Thats why I liked that we had our own bank accts. Dont get me wrong, everything was joint and we got equal allowances. But if shit like that happened ex dP would have taken the finacial hit from his 'fun' money.


Def they need consequences of their actions.


They would if they didnt live with us.

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We work on division of labour and we re-assess when things change. I do the washing and fold laundry, DH irons. I hang it out but he'll help if he's around, or do it if I'm heading out and let him know it needs doing.


I meal plan and do most of the cooking, but DH will choose a meal, put the ingredients on the shopping list and cook if I tell him I want him to cook a certain night (he usually cooks once a week).


He pays all the bills, including getting new insurance quotes etc.


He's also responsible for anything technology related including researching new purchases, fixing things, sorting out parental controls for kids devices, phone plans, determining whether games are age appropriate etc. So "technology" is really quite a big bundle.


I do school, playdates, etc of the kid stuff and holiday care / logistics etc.

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ineedmorecoffee

I do the washing, hanging, folding and putting away of laundry

I iron when its needed

I clean the bathrooms

I do the vacuuming

I make the beds every day and change sheets when required

I make dd’s breakfasts and lunches during school term

I plan and make dinner

I pay all the bills, manage the finances/insurances

I buy gifts for my family

I research, plan and book all holidays

I manage all school related notes/permissions/payments

I manage play dates

I take dd to swimming lessons

I shop for all of dd’s clothing/shoes

I manage bed time/shower routine for dd

I work F/T from home


dh tidies up the kitchen and stacks and unstacks the dishwasher.

Will remember to wipe down the bench tops when he gets round to it or when I lose it at him.

dh will tidy the courtyard, sweep up leaves when we are having people over

dh can’t be bothered with gifts for his family.

He works F/T from home.


We shop for groceries together.

We do taxes together.


Depressing when I list it out like that :(

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Purpleblaze

Maybe show him the list Ineedmorecoffee, that is definitely nowhere near an even split, and that's physical stuff too not just mental load.


I dream of what a women's strike would look like if we downed tools for a few weeks.

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My husband is pretty good at this stuff, though I carry most of the mental load. I read Fair Play a while ago which was eye opening- I thoroughly recommend it!

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Little Bear

I carry a lot of the mental load in our household. There are times when DH has enough trouble doing what is needed for himself. It’s amazing what an impact ASD, ADHD, anxiety and other MH issues can have on a household and it’s dynamics (not just talking about DH here).


I do the grocery shopping, prepare and cook food, make sure the dishwasher is set when required and empty when needed (training DS to do this). I am responsible for household cleaning, the kids and my own laundry and washing towels/tea towels etc ~ DH is supposed to do his own personal laundry. I don’t iron. I’m now at the stage where I can pass folded clean clothes to the children and ask them to put them away. I don’t do housework anywhere near as often as I should because I just don’t have enough energy/motivation left in me. I take the rubbish bags out to the wheelie bins. I make sure the wheelie bins are put out the front at the right times and brought back in once emptied. I am responsible for knowing when it is DS’s sports uniform day, filling in any school related notes, texting DS to make sure they get to the office if required, paying for excursions or free dress days, ordering tuck shop twice a week and making sure DD does everything required of her for Distance Ed (re: completing and submitting work to teachers). I take both children to their GP appointments, therapy appointments and am responsible for NDIS related stuff. I pack DS’s lunch box each day. I play with the kittens and DS also helps. DD likes to give her kitten cuddles and pats and throws the occasional toy for their enjoyment. I clean the kitty litter multiple times a day. I make sure the kittens have enough food from the pet store so they don’t run out and clean their water bowl. I remind DS to have a shower if he hasn’t had one. I remind DD to make sure her dirty clothes get to the laundry. I make sure there is enough money in the bill paying account to cover groceries and automatic payments like insurances. I make sure the Rates bill, Telstra bill and the Electricity bills are paid. I do the general wipe down and clean of surfaces like the bench tops. I do the buying of clothing and shoes for kids and myself. I work with the kids to de clutter their rooms at least once a year. I make sure the kids medication is sorted.


I know what the kids will eat and when they usually eat. I know what medications the children have and when they take them/dosages.


DH is in charge of technology related stuff - The internet plan we have, networking within the house, purchases children have in relation to gaming, fixing any IT related issues for anyone in the family. DH has in the past organised to be home if we need a tradesman out for something. DH does the subscriptions for Netflix and STAN. DH is home when DD is doing Distance Ed. I work four days a week. DH does the phone calls to banks etc as needed.


We are both responsible for organising our own tax returns, car services, car rego, filling the car with petrol. DH is supposed to take cats to the vet when required. Finances mean we’re not really buying presents right now (though the kids get money for their birthdays).


We have outsourced lawn mowing/edging. Neither of us wash or vacuum our cars regularly.


Everyone is responsible for putting their own dirty dishes in the dishwasher when they have finished with them


Our patio area including the table and chairs is in desperate need of a clean but I just can’t do it right now.

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ClaudiaCosette

Oh, holidays. My DH doesn't like to travel. I do. So I do everything you can imagine needs doing to organise and execute a holiday (with 4 kids) while he brings a book and sits back and relaxes the whole time. And then complains how much he hates holidays. So we hardly ever travel because it's basically like being at home, except more stressful.

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This morning. We are packing house. I’m working. Dh keeps asking me all about what the kids have done this morning. What he needs to get done today. What should the cleaners do?

I don’t care. I’m at work. Figure it out.

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  • 8 months later...

I’m bumping up this old thread because I am in the middle of end of year stress and am having the whole ‘if I don’t remind everyone of their chores etc, no one does’, feeling very invisible and undervalued. 
 

So I listened to this podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/emotional-labor-the-invisible-work-most-women-do/id950464429?i=1000410737773 

and then read the guest’s original article: https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/

and have forwarded both to DH and my older kids. 
 

I am stepping back and seeing what they come up with. I find this is a bit of a cycle that pops up every few months (more frequently this year due to the extra Covid stress). It is causing me so much frustration, friction with the kids because I have to remind them yet again if their regular chores etc. I’ve tried lists, I’ve reinvented the wheel so many times. I’m very over it all right now. 
 

The podcast was really interesting, particularly with reference to having to  manage my DH’s emotions as well when raising this topic (yet again). 
 

I’m going to start up a thread titled “what I am doing for myself today” because it is something we often sacrifice because we are so busy managing life and family (not even micromanaging, just the regular shit). 

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I think part of the solution to this lies with me. I need to stop doing what I'm doing, let things go a little. My DH is like the one in the article - will do what I ask him to do mostly without complaint, and does lots of regular stuff without being asked. But has no idea about the mental and emotional load that he leaves to me. I have let some things go, but because my kids are not NT (and nor is DH) it means that life starts to fall apart pretty fast. So when I let things go it's not like someone else picks them up, they just don't happen, and often we suffer for it.

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