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The mental load


Everlong

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If you haven’t already seen it , google ‘The mental load’ by French cartoonist Emma . It sums up this aspect of my life perfectly .


I am responsible for nearly 100% of the thought load that is required to run this household and raise children . I’m not talking about physical chores like laundry and vacuuming (that’s a different story I won’t get into), but the invisible workload. School notes , costumes for book week , rsvps for party invites , buying presents for aforementioned parties , making sure sheets and towels are changed on a regular basis , what we will have for dinner, ensuring ingredients are shopped for these dinners , also ensuring there is milk in the fridge for breakfast and enough bread for next day’s school lunches , paying bills , doing the taxes on time , planning activities for kids during school holidays , booking in dental visits for the kids .... just a small selection of the never ending things that filter through my mind each and every day .


I know it’s partly my fault that I have let it get to this stage . I like things done a certain way and I’ve done it for so long that DH wouldn’t have a clue where to begin if I had to ‘handover ‘ tasks to him.


Just a vent I think, because other than just suddenly disappearing for a month I don’t think he will ever understand the mental load I carry .

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Seayork2002

My first thought of reading that is how much has to be done against how much is done only because it is always being done that way/out of habit? (Altogether not just what you have written)


There was a post on another forum of someone complaining they were tired because and they listed a very long list of things like clean towels everyday, floors mopped and vacuumed twice a day, everything ironed typed thing and I and others were saying 'does that all really need to be done?' Not just housework but other non essential life things


So even in my own life I minimise what has to be done if possible

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I don’t think that’s what op is talking about, though I’m sure it happens.


If you asked my husband what day is library/sport/pe he would have no clue. It’s on the e calendar.

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I hear you OP. And it is not a matter of leaving them to it or expecting too much. If my DH picks up the kids from school and they give him a form, not only does he not fill out the form, he does not even give it to me, so is have no idea excursion or whatever the note was on about. DH took DD to the orthodontist which was lovely, but somehow got his email on the system over mine and did nothing about the emails they sent advising of when the next appointment was - as he thought I was getting the emails too. It often seems like the helping creates more work.


He does not worry about how to coordinate everyone’s schedules and his solution is not to take the kids anywhere if it causes stress. Last week whilst trying to plan we had a meeting around the table to get times to work for transport and eating, we got a plan and then DH messages me at work the next day saying he forgot he was going out for tea. So exhausting!

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Same problem here. I am exhausted by everything and we have had discussions about it over the last month. Things are worse since lockdown last year where all kids sports and extra school stuff never happened (VIC) and it was a bloody holiday for me! Normally he is first one home so usually gets dinner started. But I have been working from home due to lockdown, so because I am home he leaves it up to me (grr - I already do the shopping and work out what we are having). Another example is only checking email once a week so any emails regarding kids training/sports are not seen by him until its too late. So he needs to check email daily and respond. Footy training can have changes to the time/ground at the last minute and he needs to know about it. Plus he needs to read all school correspondence so he knows what is happening at school. He has no idea what the kids do.


My suggestion which has worked for us prior to covid, is to put him in charge of specific things. Such as he is completely responsible for specific sports/activities. He does all communication with coaches, keeps on top of changes to schedules, when and where games are and makes sure the invoice gets paid. Also, have asked him to prep for dinner as soon as he gets home from work. So far it hasn't really worked but I will keep on him about it. I know we shouldn't have to do it but as I don't want my kids to miss out I suck it up. Also, he is responsible for a lot of the housework/dishes etc. So it's not like he doesn't pull his weight around the house. Just 0% of the mental load.


Sorry I just made that all about me, but try to hand some things over. Paying the bills, or washing the sheets and towels, or buying birthday presents. When the kids come to you for something that he could handle tell them to ask dad. I do the main shopping but I have asked DH to monitor how much bread/milk etc we have during the week and to buy when required. Get him to take at least 1 day off work each week of the school holidays and spend it specifically doing something with the kids (and go out and leave them to it). You will have to accept that things may not get done your way, but that is also OK.

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Yep. DH does a lot (as he rightly should) but the majority of the mental load is mine. I was just thinking tonight, DD is in vacation care tomorrow, and I organised DH to take a few days off next week so she isn’t in it the whole time (I can’t take leave right now).

I was just thinking, if I wasn’t around, would he have had the foresight to organise it? I’d say he would have, because he would have had to. But I still just take it all on myself. It’s just easier, in the short term anyway.

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ineedmorecoffee

Nodding along to all the things listed upthread.


Back when we could travel, DH wouldn’t even know the details of the holidays we were taking. One time at the airport, somebody asked where we were off to and DH said Hawaii. When they asked which island and where were we staying, he had to turn to me for the answer 🤦🏻‍♀️

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It's so exhausting. Dh took ds to an appointment in December, I'd organised it and put all the details in the shared calendar. He assumed he knew where it was and went to the wrong clinic then got pissy at me. Sorry mate, your job to check not mine.

I get to offload all daycare stuff to him since he works there, that's a bonus, but things are still very uneven

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Oh it's exhausting isn't it. We have a very equal share of the actual physical care if the kids, and housework, but I am the one thinking and planning constantly.


This is such a stupid example but last year my son's news day at kindy was on a day DH took him, so they would sort out what he was taking together. It was so great to not have to even think about that one thing! This year, his bloody news day is on one of my drop off days. It's such a pain in the arse! Just one more thing to think about, remember to take, remember to collect at the end of the day. I am just so sick of all tiny mundane little things that just keep adding up.

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I actually got DH to read that article about the mental load a few years ago but he didn't get it. He just said tell me what you want me to do! Argh!


He wants to help out but just doesn't really think about the kids. Almost everything he does revolves around his wants and needs. Almost everything I do revolves around the family's wants and needs. It's better in some ways now the kids are older, but at the same time he has got worse.

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Fruitmincepies

Oh no [mention]Biscuits[/mention] , you wouldn’t want to get in the way of their special thing, organising news together. Your DH is the expert now after all! Just let them continue doing that together, and your DH can remind you that it’s news day and to not forget to take it in.

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It always crescendos for me when we go on holiday. DH throws a few things in a bag and asks me why I'm not packed yet. Meanwhile I'm making sure allergy meds are packed, perishables cleared out of fridge, library books returned, activities other than devices are packed for the trip and the countless million trivial things are done so that we don't get halfway there and realise the swimming goggles are still at home.

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I remember seeing that cartoon a while ago and relating to it. It's just the reality in our household. Hubby works long hours 6 days a week so any parenting, household tasks and all decisions related to it fall into my lap, rightly or wrongly that's how it is and as a result I decided not to re-enter the workforce full time because I know I just couldn't handle the stress.

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Sancti-claws

I actually got DH to read that article about the mental load a few years ago but he didn't get it. He just said tell me what you want me to do! Argh!


He wants to help out but just doesn't really think about the kids. Almost everything he does revolves around his wants and needs. Almost everything I do revolves around the family's wants and needs. It's better in some ways now the kids are older, but at the same time he has got worse.

I hear you there! He is the SAHP and yet I get asked what is the plan for dinner when I get home!!! He wouldn't starve if left to his own devices - and fair enough, the child probably wouldn't but it wouldn't be the happy (?) experience that it is now.


Actually...

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No solutions but lots of sympathy! I have made a conscious effort to make my boys responsible for as many (age appropriate) things for themselves. My next step is to get them thinking and planning for the broader household.I appreciate however that I am lucky I can do that because the boys do not have additional needs.

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nom_de_plume

I hear you OP. And it is not a matter of leaving them to it or expecting too much. If my DH picks up the kids from school and they give him a form, not only does he not fill out the form, he does not even give it to me, so is have no idea excursion or whatever the note was on about. DH took DD to the orthodontist which was lovely, but somehow got his email on the system over mine and did nothing about the emails they sent advising of when the next appointment was - as he thought I was getting the emails too. It often seems like the helping creates more work.


He does not worry about how to coordinate everyone’s schedules and his solution is not to take the kids anywhere if it causes stress. Last week whilst trying to plan we had a meeting around the table to get times to work for transport and eating, we got a plan and then DH messages me at work the next day saying he forgot he was going out for tea. So exhausting!

 

Yes this is us. A few years ago I cracked it and asked DP to be in charge of the kids sports. Only problem being he never passed any of the info that was texted/emailed onto me and eventually the coach just called me anyway, and I changed the contact number and email to mine.


I've given up and just accepted that I carry 99.9% of the thought load. Whenever DP whinges because I ask him to wash the dishes for the third time this week or something I just remind him I handle all of the thought load (he has never paid a bill or done taxes in the 9 years we've been together!), so the least he could do is the god damned dishes.

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Nodding along to all the things listed upthread.


Back when we could travel, DH wouldn’t even know the details of the holidays we were taking. One time at the airport, somebody asked where we were off to and DH said Hawaii. When they asked which island and where were we staying, he had to turn to me for the answer 🤦🏻‍♀️

 

Yep. Mine told someone a week ago we were doing a cruise around the Kimberly. We're doing it overland. I've no idea how he thought we were going to get from one of the end points of the cruise to picking up the hire car at Kununurra.


In one sense it was fair enough, I absolutely love all of the planning, researching and am more computer savvy than him in terms of doing bookings. BUT, I have checked with him every step of the way whether we should do abc, or xyz before committing to something significant on the trip.


It's a reflection of what he's like in everyday life - although our lives are very fairly shared in all other ways.


I had to hound him to find out the date of his nephew's birthday was (guess who buys the gifts) because his mother used to always remind us, and now she's died I've discovered it's not on my calender. Nor does he have it anywhere. I just don't want the person to miss out, so I do the thinking. On the whole I'll admit he organised things with his family. My lovely MIL tried to channel the stuff through me, but I'd just say 'oh, I'll get R, he'll be able to sort the details'. Once you start ...



ETA: I should acknowledge, he does know what 'the thought load' is, and if asked would acknowledge I do the vast majority of it.

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Silverstreak

Oh yes, the mental thought load.


I remember when we had book week last year, I picked out two t-shirts that DS could choose from, to wear over his other clothes. I showed DH the t-shirt that DS had chosen, who commented that maybe we could do a fancier costume than just a t-shirt.


So I turned to him and said: "Well, DS doesn't like wearing hats that aren't his regular hat, doesn't like face paint, doesn't like wearing capes or accessories and as he's tall, it's hard to find standard, comfortable clothing in his size, let alone costumes. So with all that in mind, why don't YOU sort out his book week costume instead then?" DH then agreed that the t-shirt would be fine.


We have got to the point where DH is now completely in charge of the shopping and food specials, so I don't have to deal with it. iCal is one of my best buddies, I put all appointments in it. And if DH's clothes aren't in the dirty clothes basket, they don't get washed, as I am not rootling through his clothes, working out what is clean, dirty, or in the "can be worn once more" pile!

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Such a timely thread. DH was just looking through his emails, and apparently the car rego has expired. Why? Because he received the invoice and all the many, many reminder emails about it directly to his email and didn't print them or tell me about it until just now. He obviously can't pay the bill, as he doesn't even know how to log on to internet banking.


So now I am adding checking his stupid emails to my mental load, just in case he has somehow put his email address on another bill that needs paying.

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Okelydokely

I so get it. I have nothing more to add than I have this weird secret desire to become incapacitated for about a month... not so incapacitated that I have long lasting effects or anything, just enough to put me in hospital for a bit and then resting at home, so he can shoulder the thought load burden for a while. I just don’t see how else he will ever realise how big it is.


Of course, the upshot of that is that all my kids appointments would probably be cancelled because it’s all a bit too hard to manage which would only negatively impact them. Sigh.


How do we do it?!

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My favourite has to be when I get asked what's for dinner, when my DH has been wfh all day and I'm still in the office....." I don't $#$# know, have ya looked in the fridge? "


Most days I just accept it is what it is cause I don't want me DD to miss you. But is just exhausting.

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I so get it. I have nothing more to add than I have this weird secret desire to become incapacitated for about a month... not so incapacitated that I have long lasting effects or anything, just enough to put me in hospital for a bit and then resting at home, so he can shoulder the thought load burden for a while. I just don’t see how else he will ever realise how big it is.


Of course, the upshot of that is that all my kids appointments would probably be cancelled because it’s all a bit too hard to manage which would only negatively impact them. Sigh.


How do we do it?!

 

have to confess that a friend was in hospital for a few weeks due to a mysterious virus (not Covid) . I was so relieved when she was ok but I have to admit - I was a bit jealous when I heard that her husband had to took over everything , including the thinking and organizing , for those few weeks .

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ClaudiaCosette

Yes, x1000. The only thing that others have mentioned that my DH does do is the financial stuff (because he knows I'd spend too much if I did it) But everything else, yes. I get that I am the stay at home parent, but sometimes I can't do everything.


A recent example: one of our kids was unexpectedly admitted to hospital, so DH stayed home with the other kids. There is a calendar on the fridge with everything written down on it, so he should have known what was happening. On one of the days, DD has sport training before school, but DH didn't feel like waking up early and getting the other kids out of bed so he could take her, so she didn't go. DS missed his music lesson because DH didn't remind him to take his instrument. And the next day was school photo day, which I knew, and from the hospital I organised for my neighbour to go to our house and do DD's hair because DH has never done her hair, doesn't think it's important, and would send her to school with the hair she woke up with.

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I had the mental load when our kids were growing up even though DH absolutely did pull his weight around the home. I did all the organisational stuff because I believed that I needed to because it would not be done otherwise.

Then I was in an accident where my first hospital admission was 10 months then 4 weeks later another 9 month admission for complications. Over the years there were so many more yet my DH who I did not trust to remember simple stuff like sport days and practice, birthdays, homework etc etc actually managed perfectly well for all 5 kids.

He turned into me because it was required of him.


I am not suggesting anyone emulates my story but to think they just can't do it was not true in my case. He could do it, I had not required it of him.


Presently the mental load for birthdates, presents etc is back onto me and I am okay about it now.


I do 100% understand that feeling OP. It is exhausting.

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LemonMyrtle

My DH is pretty good, judging by this thread. I do most thought load for the kids, cause that’s how we share the load, but he has his share as well, (e.g. school drop off 3 days a week, and a lot of the cooking, including the shopping). And he is still abreast of the other details too.


His memory is way better than mine, so he is often asking me “who has the kids on this day?” “when is that party? Do we have a gift?” “Want me to ask my mum to babysit on this day?” Cause I’m the one that needs reminding. And I can quite happily leave him in charge on any given day.


We use a shared calendar and shared Google lists to keep each other informed of events. Technology can be a great way to share the load. We text each other a lot too, cause them stuff is in writing. Harder to forget.

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