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Fostering children?


Darryl

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In one of those "it's a small world" moments I not long ago ran into a guy who was my foster brother (along with his sister) when we were young kids. It was great to see him and we had a good laugh about our childhood shenanigans.


My family fostered about ten kids/teens over the years, which was a great learning experience for my siblings and I - even if some of the behaviour we were exposed to was not the usual kind of stuff you might expect at that age.


Have you ever experienced the foster system in any way? Would you consider fostering a child at some point in the future?

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jojonbeanie

We have had foster children, both for short term respite and for longer term. We have quite a few friends who are foster carers for children with significant disabilities whom we have met through our son’s special school. Quite a lot of the kids at his school are in foster care. These people need medals for the work they do and the love they provide.


I always thought I would have a big family of my own kids but it didn’t turn out that way. Somehow the foster kids just found me as if they knew there was a space in my heart waiting for them. My husband always supported the gathering of our clan. In fact he and his former partner were foster carers too. I can’t imagine my family without the crazy tapestry of backgrounds we all have. My own kids have been blessed to be born into a family that can give then consistent love and support. I just want my foster kids to experience the same thing. They deserve it too.

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IamtheMumma

I started the training through an agency but pulled out when they told me I'd have to prioritise the foster child/ren over my own child (who has complex medical needs). I'd been in contact with child safety for over 6 months and it was just frustrating. So I gave up. The beautiful boy I wanted to foster is still in residential care at the tender age of 6 and its unlikely he'll be able to find a home due to his complex medical needs.

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My dad and his now ex-wife fostered kids. Some were great and some not so great. One brother and sister pair who were orphans are now all grown up at 22 and 26 and I still consider them my brother and sister.


Caused some confusion at my daughters school netball team years ago. The kids are Indian. I'm very pale. One of the kids asked me who the teenage boy was. Without thinking, I said "oh that's my brother". The look on her face was priceless as she said "your BROTHER?" I didn't explain lol.

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I am thinking about fostering now my kids are bigger. Have been looking into it for a while now. I haven’t spoken to anyone about it in real life though as most people I know are against it.

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My DH’s family did it when he was growing up. He didn’t want to do it as an adult due to his memories of them leaving. Severe mental health issues would rule us out now anyway.


I used to do a program that was like a Big Brother/Sister arrangement. I worked with 2 families but the support from the organisation was so variable due to frequent staff turnover. That organisation also provided respite and foster care so it would be a good stepping stone to bigger commitments.

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I have seriously thought about it.


But mental health wise im not quite there yet.


My mum has a friend who is a foster carer - and nowadays having to facilitate visitation with dead beat parents (and grandparents in one childs case) would be really really hard for me.

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I am thinking about fostering now my kids are bigger. Have been looking into it for a while now. I haven’t spoken to anyone about it in real life though as most people I know are against it.

 

I think many are against it as foster kids generally have baggage and can be hard work to look after, and support is limited. However, I think it is one of those areas where rational thinking is not the answer and emotions are just as important. I don’t think we should put abused or unwanted kids in the too hard basket without even trying. And whilst it would be hard going, I imagine there would be some rewarding moments too. Love what matters on FB seems to be full or uplifting foster stories.

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I was fostered but I do not have any information as to why. I was in the foster system soon after being born until my mother got married to someone (not my father) a year later. My mother has never spoken to me about it. I have tried to get my records unsuccessfully. I believe this has led to severe attachment issues for me. I have also experienced group homes - nightmare experiences.

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Nope, I never would. I've already had the experience of raising children with someone doing everything they can to hold them back. I'd never go through that again. The only way I'd do it is if the parents were dead or the child was legally unable to see them. It's very painful to watch a parent ruin their child. If it wasn't for the parents I'd consider it. Children have problems but you can work on them and improve them if someone doesn't keep reintroducing them every month or so.

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I’ve looked up what’s involved several times and tried to think through the logistics. Perhaps respite care might be possible when we extend the house and have a spare bedroom available...

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StillFreddiesMum

No. I have barely held it together with our own kids - I just don't have the mental capacity to take on someone else's kids.

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Sancti-claws

Through my work I tangentially touch upon some cases that are deemed "unfosterable" for a variety of reasons - and it is heartbreaking.


However - I could never foster as I don't thing our family is emotionally stable enough to help guide anyone else. Sometimes feels like we are failing those already here.

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I’ve looked up what’s involved several times and tried to think through the logistics. Perhaps respite care might be possible when we extend the house and have a spare bedroom available...

 

This is the head space I am in at the moment too. I am also worried about the child if after 6 months or so I just found I could not keep doing it. eg if my elderly parents got really sick my kids could adapt/pitch in etc but that would not be fair on a foster child. I hate the thought of letting down a child that already has a tough life.

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Maybe when my own kids are grown, but never until then. I have experience working with the govt foster system and it's awful and leads to constant retraumatisation for every person involved in the child's life.


I couldnt in good conscience do that to my own kids. I do what I can therapeutically for now.

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ClaudiaCosette

My mum's family fostered kids when she was growing up (overseas). She has always spoken fondly of several of them, and she's still in contact with some now, but her family had a hard life, 5 kids, not much money, and I think there was some resentment there that her parents took on other kids to care for as well.


I have always thought it would be a good thing to do and if I had the capacity to I would, but as other PPs have said I have struggled just with my own kids and with my mental health and I don't think I actually could do it. And my DH has said no to having any host students (even short term) when I suggested that - he likes his privacy. So I don't think we would ever do it.

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I’ve looked up what’s involved several times and tried to think through the logistics. Perhaps respite care might be possible when we extend the house and have a spare bedroom available...

 

This is the head space I am in at the moment too. I am also worried about the child if after 6 months or so I just found I could not keep doing it. eg if my elderly parents got really sick my kids could adapt/pitch in etc but that would not be fair on a foster child. I hate the thought of letting down a child that already has a tough life.

 

Honestly, unless you are prepared to just be a bed, I'd really recommend you have a think about whether respite is what you want. In a lot of ways it's the absolute worst version of fostering, although it is necessary. You're getting a child who has attachment issues, deep distrust of adults, whose family 'don't want them' and also whose foster family 'don't want them'. They are only with you because noone else can handle them. They aren't generally going to be pleasant or open to your family experience during the respite period.


Of course this is child dependant and situation dependent, but it's more common than not.


But then in my state long term foster care is considered to be 2 years and anything over that is very very rare. Kids bounce around families until they are teens, then often are pushed into group home situations.

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I think fostering now is a whole other proposition than what it was in times where children were taken into the system for quite low level neglect, especially if the mother was single or became single for any reason. Remember the term deserted mothers, where women whose husbands skipped off were seen in a patronising almost helpless way, often leading to far greater societal scrutiny.

Now, because of advances in knowlege around child development and attachment, there is a lot more work going into making children safer in their family of origin. Therefore, the cohort for whom state intervention is required have often come from quite extreme situations. Which means the pool of placements available is smaller as the level of commitment required makes a lot of people understandably baulk. This lack of availability of care placements in turn increases the threshold of what is considered at high enough risk to warrant removal in some kind of nightmare feedback loop.. My hat goes off to those who do this work

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Spidey_Senses

Not me but I know 3 people who have become long term foster carers. (eg have guardianship)

2 have much older kids themselves and one is a same sex couple with no other kids. Its been great for all of them but there are a lot of challenges you may not think about for example family members of the childs biological parent wanting to spend time with the child and then being difficult about it just as one example, or the childs parent turning up for visitation being drunk or high.

I think its a fantastic thing to do and I admire foster carers greatly. I think it would be good, as you are doing, to talk to other foster carers to get an idea what you are in for.

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Nope, I never would. I've already had the experience of raising children with someone doing everything they can to hold them back. I'd never go through that again. The only way I'd do it is if the parents were dead or the child was legally unable to see them. It's very painful to watch a parent ruin their child. If it wasn't for the parents I'd consider it. Children have problems but you can work on them and improve them if someone doesn't keep reintroducing them every month or so.

Yep. The parents are encouraged to be as involved as possible. Foster carers I know have had some really difficult experiences due to this, if the parent is still on drugs/abusive etc.

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IamtheMumma

Nope, I never would. I've already had the experience of raising children with someone doing everything they can to hold them back. I'd never go through that again. The only way I'd do it is if the parents were dead or the child was legally unable to see them. It's very painful to watch a parent ruin their child. If it wasn't for the parents I'd consider it. Children have problems but you can work on them and improve them if someone doesn't keep reintroducing them every month or so.

Yep. The parents are encouraged to be as involved as possible. Foster carers I know have had some really difficult experiences due to this, if the parent is still on drugs/abusive etc.

 

A close friend has had this experience too. Its been heartbreaking to see the children so upset post visit or no show visit. They have the rule now they don't mention to the kids when visitation is so they don't get upset.

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I’ve looked up what’s involved several times and tried to think through the logistics. Perhaps respite care might be possible when we extend the house and have a spare bedroom available...

 

This is the head space I am in at the moment too. I am also worried about the child if after 6 months or so I just found I could not keep doing it. eg if my elderly parents got really sick my kids could adapt/pitch in etc but that would not be fair on a foster child. I hate the thought of letting down a child that already has a tough life.

 

Honestly, unless you are prepared to just be a bed, I'd really recommend you have a think about whether respite is what you want. In a lot of ways it's the absolute worst version of fostering, although it is necessary. You're getting a child who has attachment issues, deep distrust of adults, whose family 'don't want them' and also whose foster family 'don't want them'. They are only with you because noone else can handle them. They aren't generally going to be pleasant or open to your family experience during the respite period.


Of course this is child dependant and situation dependent, but it's more common than not.


But then in my state long term foster care is considered to be 2 years and anything over that is very very rare. Kids bounce around families until they are teens, then often are pushed into group home situations.

Thank you for your honest compassionate realistic reply [mention]Crombek[/mention] - I think I do have rose coloured glasses in regards to what sort of experience it would be for the child and my family. I’ve been so lucky to grow up and then go on to raise a family with only the usual challenges I really want to help kids who aren’t so lucky - I’ll keep thinking about options.

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Nope, I never would. I've already had the experience of raising children with someone doing everything they can to hold them back. I'd never go through that again. The only way I'd do it is if the parents were dead or the child was legally unable to see them. It's very painful to watch a parent ruin their child. If it wasn't for the parents I'd consider it. Children have problems but you can work on them and improve them if someone doesn't keep reintroducing them every month or so.

Yep. The parents are encouraged to be as involved as possible. Foster carers I know have had some really difficult experiences due to this, if the parent is still on drugs/abusive etc.

 

A close friend has had this experience too. Its been heartbreaking to see the children so upset post visit or no show visit. They have the rule now they don't mention to the kids when visitation is so they don't get upset.

 

I know of a situation where visitation (a 2hr 45 min drive) would mostly happen if mum was alone, would sometimes happen if dad was home from jail, but also dad had a habit of randomly forcing mum to turn up hours late, sometimes come with her (not allowed) and verbally assault and physically threaten the foster carers/child protection workers, intimidate and cajole the kids to not trust anyone but him and then take off before cops could arrive.


The courts *still* wouldn't stop visitation because the visitation was only supposed to be with mum anyway.

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Karma Sutra

Nope, I never would. I've already had the experience of raising children with someone doing everything they can to hold them back. I'd never go through that again. The only way I'd do it is if the parents were dead or the child was legally unable to see them. It's very painful to watch a parent ruin their child. If it wasn't for the parents I'd consider it. Children have problems but you can work on them and improve them if someone doesn't keep reintroducing them every month or so.

 

This was one of the problems that my parents would face.


Every time the foster child went back hike for the weekend etc there was a lot of work to be done to get him back on track. They did everything they could to make things difficult.


It is also hard the older the child is. By then many traits are ingrained and the child we had had already been in and out of various homes by the age of 11.


My parents were told they were good foster carers but the toll having the foster child in our home was high and it became more apparent that each time he went back for visitation we as children could breathe.


I hated having the kids at school coming up to me saying such and such did this or that. Not my problem.


He was with us for a year and my parents never fostered again.


The trick is to get them young so they can be turned around but once they hit double digits it’s harder to parent them and it’s often at the expense of existing children.


It wasn’t all all doom and gloom, we did have good times together but he was very hard work.

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We foster, and while I won’t go into many details our experience of respite hasn’t been that it’s ‘the worst’ of fostering as Crombek suggested (sorry I haven’t worked out how to quote) - although I can understand how some situations might lead to that.


Providing respite to the same child over time means we have a strong relationship with them. This is a younger child though, which is probably easier in lots of ways. It can be pretty full-on but mainly from the ‘extra child’ aspect than too much baggage.


I think we are lucky though, and we saw some sad situations while doing emergency fostering.

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