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Sensitively sharing pregnancy news


Biscuits

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I'm 15 weeks pregnant and have been slow to share the news this time around. So far we've only told our families. I'm not one for big announcements as it is, don't do FB announcements etc. My problem is, I have a few very close friends who I know have been TTC for a while now, without success. I can't put off telling them much longer, but I'm struggling with what to say, without feeling like I'm totally insensitive to their journey. Any ideas?

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  • Ozgirl

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Yes and via text, email, messenger.


Tell them you are not doing it in person cause you realise that the news might be hard for them to hear.

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Thank you, yes was definitely going to contact each privately, and I'm glad that you say text is fine, because I struggle with my words in person. I really don't want to cause more hurt.

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As per PP, the phrase "I am sorry this might be hard for you to hear", was one of the kindest I remember. For me, it acknowledged that the person understood where I was at in life, and really gave me the headspace to be that weird mix of "delighted for you, but devastated for me".

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When this was me I liked getting a text message I could respond to in my own time. When I announced babies 2 and 3 to friends TTC or with fertility issues (and one who wanted more kids but her situation didn't allow it) I went with text messages. Particularly for a couple of my friends with complex fertility issues I think it was helpful. I did make the mistake of assuming everyone would be happy for me even if they were sad for themselves, the reaction I always felt when we were undergoing fertility treatment. I had one friend who was decidedly not happy for me. She didn't speak to me for some time, and when we did speak made it very clear that she was angry with me. I distanced myself a bit for a while and things seem to have resolved since I had my last child, though she remains in fairly intensive counselling regarding the whole issue.

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Kiwi Bicycle

I remember the shock and upset when my sister skyped me to tell me she was pregnant ( for the first time). We hadn't told anyone we were trying, but we were at the 6 month mark and no success. Plus DH had just been made redundant and we were talking if we should pause trying. I wish she had just emailed or texted me instead.

So even if you don't know someone is TTC it can cause issues too. I actually had to stop talking to her for a couple of months I was so upset, but I actually got a positive 3 months later so we sorted that out OK.

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Lukes mummi

I think text or email is best. Mind you i told a friend who I knew was having ivf via email and she rang me furious and said it was impersonal and as she was my bridesmaid she would have expected a personalised phone call. I think whatever way I told her would have been wrong.... we are still friends 15 years later,

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Congratulations! Try not to worry too much about making other people sad. Not because it doesn't matter, but because they were sad anyway. You having a baby doesn't take away a baby from them. Remember to take some time to be happy and excited.

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magic_marker

Congratulations! Try not to worry too much about making other people sad. Not because it doesn't matter, but because they were sad anyway. You having a baby doesn't take away a baby from them. Remember to take some time to be happy and excited.

 

This. A true friend will be happy for you and hope it all rubs off on them.

Unless they've been through umpteen IVF cycles or something else devestating, you really would hope that people would just be happy for you.

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Congratulations!

Yeah, two minds on this one. I was that person struggling with infertility, multiple miscarriages and years of trying. In those years, I swear every single person I was close to that was childbearing age fell pregnant. We kept our TTC journey completely private in the beginning, ie, not a single person even knew we were trying until we had our first miscarriage after our first IVF cycle. Even when it became more widespread knowledge in our circles, only one friend showed some sensitivity when sharing her pregnancy news. Yes, each announcement stung a bit during that time, but feeling happy for my family and friends always overcame any negative emotion. To actually fall out with someone close to you over this is unfathomable to me. When I did go on to have two successful pregnancies and made very low-key announcements, everyone showed me great support and genuine happiness. I would have been gutted had it been any other way.

The other mind says there really is never any reason to make a grand, show-stopping pregnancy announcement. Ever. Especially publicly or with lots of friends and family present. That shows a distinct lack of concern for who could be in attendance and how that could affect them. The one friend who did delicately tell me of her pregnancy when we were the throes of infertility hell texted me, with the preface of saying she was really sorry to tell me this news and was worried about how I would take it. I was fine but really appreciated that gesture. It was absolutely the right way to do it.

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I've been on both sides of this. When I it was me, I preferred a text which meant I could process it in private. I also appreciated it being acknowledged what I was going through and when I was told that I didn't need to respond. I always did respond though, because ultimately I was happy for my friends even though I was sad for myself.

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I agree with texting/emailing privately to let them know. I remember how hurt and I will even admit to being a little jealous too when another friend announced their pregnancy but the texts gave me Time to process so I was able to send a genuine congratulations as I was very happy for them

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I called a friend who I knew would take it hard- she was on her umpteenth round of ivf. I said:

“I have some news which is good but also a bit shit”

“oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I’m actually pregnant, I’m sorry I know that’s hard... I just wanted to let you know before I put anything online”

“oh... um... were you trying long?”

“not really...”

“you bitch!” (But she was half laughing)

“Yeah I know, sorry about that!”


Then we had a nice little chat about something else. I think she did appreciate that she wasn’t blindsided opening up FB, and that I acknowledged that it was tricky news for her.

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I want to add (and I am sure you wouldn't do this!) but what I found hardest was people who knew we were doing IVF complaining about pregnancy - not genuine pregnancy-related illnesss, but whinging about their old clothes not fitting, not being able to drink, not being about to eat soft cheese etc. One friend even literally said she wasn't getting enough special treatment!

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Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences, I really appreciate it and I feel reassured in that I'm on the right track with my approach.


[mention]zeldazonk[/mention] I know what you mean, and yes absolutely wouldn't be making any complaints to these friends (or most people really).


I don't typically announce anything in a big way (birthdays, engagement etc) so I find pregnancy difficult in that you can only keep it to yourself for so long.

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Congratulations! Try not to worry too much about making other people sad. Not because it doesn't matter, but because they were sad anyway. You having a baby doesn't take away a baby from them. Remember to take some time to be happy and excited.

 

This. A true friend will be happy for you and hope it all rubs off on them.

Unless they've been through umpteen IVF cycles or something else devestating, you really would hope that people would just be happy for you.

 

Both can be true and co exist.


Of course people will be happy for you. But its still painful for them. Anf they feel awful for feeling awful. And they dont want to make their friends news about themselves.


Sending via text or similar and stating why is good. That gives the friend time to process their feelings.

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So I experienced this today.


As the receiver.


It went as well as can be expected.


My friends called me.


Ruined a lovely afternoon that I was having with a friend. Dropped their bomb.


I fell like a bitch. It sounds like I’m making it all about me.


I just fucking hurts.


They tried their best I know that.


I actually told a mutual friend of ours to tell them to tell my via text when the time came. He didn’t.


He will find out tomorrow with everyone else.

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