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Young and pregnant


Bucket

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I had my first young. I was 19 when she was born. My life has not been dictated by my age when I first became a mother, but rather my personality and my determination to do well for myself and be a good example to my kids. I have a degree, I'm doing post grad currently. I own a house, we have next to no debt and I'm happy.

I think I turned out fine despite being a teenage mother. My ex husband/ father of my oldest 3 was a mistake, but not my kids.


Would I change it, or her? Absolutely not, but I do want more for her in her life than a baby when she's young.


The public system is fine. Most of the country has their baby via the public system.


Don't get advice from a GP. Get the referral letter to your local hospital antenatal clinic and have the antenatal bloods done by the GP, but that's it unless you know your GP is up to date on pregnancy care.


I do a lot of booking in antenatal appointments and the vast majority of GP's don't know what they're talking about, order the wrong bloods, or miss things unless they have recent and up to date antenatal training. It's extremely frustrating and women receive substandard care because of it.

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Fwiw op, I was young mum. I turned 21 in jan and had my oldest in March. No one in my family was very happy for me and my work didn’t handle it well. The reasons my life has been challenging have very little to do with how old I was when I had my kids. Being young and inexperienced probably helped me adapt to parenting kids with disabilities as I had nothing to compare against, no friends with kids or life experience about what parent was meant to look like. There is a great thread here somewhere about whether the age you had kids mattered. Maybe have a wade in?

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I think you sound like a terrific mother, OP. You are continually putting your daughter's wants and needs above your own worries and thoughts. I commend that and I hope I am like that when my kids are older.

I can imagine it would be hard not to step in too much and to not give too much advice.

My mum had always wanted more kids (secondary infertility, so only me), so when I feel pregnant with DS 1, she was so excited....and we had a few tiffs in the beginning..."shouldn't he be wearing a singlet, it's cold" etc. But we got through it, I realised that it was because she loved me and her grandson so much, and I grew in confidence and we are closer now than ever. The same will happen with you and your daughter because you are already recognising these things! I can imagine thinking of a baby within your baby is quite surreal! And a big adjustment too. Just like becoming a mother isa big adjustment, so would becoming a grandmother.

Your daughter is lucky to have you.

I understand your concerns about the three year old and them being in a new relationship....it sounds like his parents are quite supportive. It also sounds like she has a great family and loves kids, so she will be ok. With life there can be a few bumps, but it will all turn out ok.

Keep posting.

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OP with regards to trying not to interfere with advice too much etc, it might be helpful to see if you can find a "grandparents course" to attend closer the the birth of the child. My parents went to one of these at my request despite already having 3 grandchildren. It means you will hear the same / similar info that she hears - eg current advice on feeding / sleep / birth etc. I found it super helpful that both parents heard this from an expert (not me). It helped when I was breastfeeding (mum kept reassuring me despite never having done it herself) and dad sked me the other day "how long will you have milk" (in a curious not condescending way) instead of rolling his eyes that I was still breastfeeding at almost 14 months which he may have done otherwise. Just an idea

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It's funny, our mum's generation 21 was the average age to be married with a kid or 2 already. now it's considered young. Having a baby at ANY age is a life changing event, and you'll all muddle through, make some mistakes, get in each other's faces, but you'll come out just fine. As long as you all show respect to each other and help as needed(or not) that baby will be loved and grow up knowing it.


And make sure you get your whooping cough booster and flu shot!

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This is not your wish for her and I truly understand this but it can be a wonderful thing too.

21 is young as far as average age of first time mums these days but she is an adult and I would trust her to make the right decisions for now.

I have looked after many 'young' pregnant girls under the age of 16 and with the right support even these girls can be awesome mums.

I think your role now is to let her know you are there to listen and advise if that is what she needs.

Public systems are fine, in fact probably better suited to young first time mums than the private sector. All she needs is a referral but these days the first visit to the clinic at the hospital is well into the second trimester so first bloods and 12 week ultrasounds are often ordered by the GP.

I hope all goes well and allow yourself to feel disappointed without feeling guilty. It is normal.

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It's funny, our mum's generation 21 was the average age to be married with a kid or 2 already. now it's considered young. Having a baby at ANY age is a life changing event, and you'll all muddle through, make some mistakes, get in each other's faces, but you'll come out just fine. As long as you all show respect to each other and help as needed(or not) that baby will be loved and grow up knowing it.


And make sure you get your whooping cough booster and flu shot!

 

Yup, I was 30 when I had my 22 year old dd and it was the hardest thingI ever did, like all first time parents! I barely coped those first 4-5 months, thank god for my dh!


As for your daughter, I don't have much advice. My 22 year old had a pregnancy scare in July and gave her the fright of her life, evdn though she has a partner she decided she wasn't ready for a baby, I would have been there whatever the choice. She wasn't pregnant. My parents were 22 and 23 when they had me, like most of their friends.


We just need to support them.

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I was your DD over 25 years ago. I had my own DD at the age of 21, completely unplanned. But honestly finding out that I was pregnant was one of the happiest days of my life. I had always wanted to be a mum. And she turned out to be an amazing human being, so despite my plentiful mistakes in parenting I can't have done too badly.


As long as your DD has your love and support she will be fine. My own family wasn't great at that but my then partner's family was amazing. It makes all the difference.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I had my DS when I was about to turn 20. I was still in uni. While I don’t recommend it, I don’t think it’s the end of the world.


Though what has gotten me where I am now is my mum being my rock through thick and thin. She is an amazing grandmother and an amazing mother.


I’m now in my early 30s, had an awesome 20s, done a bit of travelling, finished my studies, own my own place, married and now a white collar professional in a middle manager role in a big four bank earning more than most of my friends.


Having a child young isn’t the end of the world. If anything, it has made me a much better person.


All the best to your DD. Keep giving your DD your love and support and hopefully your DD will figure it all out.

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