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Bucket

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Not me. DD. She's 21. Not planned. Only been with the guy for about 10 months. She has booked a GP appt for Wednesday. I don't know what to say or do. I was so disappointed when she told me. Not disappointed in her or with her, but more for her. That she won't get to experience much of life before she has a child. I don't know if she understands that (she only came by briefly).


Can anyone offer me some tips on... something? I don't even know what I'm after. Reassurance she'll be okay? I don't even know what the next steps are (I should, I have had three, just my circumstances were different, I went private - although with my GP for my first, so a whole different system, and it seems like it was a different world back then). I don't even know what her options are. I have no idea how they will live, but I know people manage. They are currently living rent-free at his parents, but there will not be space with a baby. We will support her as best we can.


Thanks.

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Practically speaking she'll be able to go to her gp and get referred to her local public hospital (at least that's the vic system).

I think this was mum's biggest fear for me, and of course you know your daughter. I'm sure she'll be okay though xx at least she's got support, that's a lot in itself

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So tough as the parent when your kid if young with an unplanned pregnancy. It will be ok. Even if it is isn’t ok, it just is, because what else can it be? I can imagine how she’ll shocked you must be and that’s ok too. Some time to process and adjust is reasonable. And for later on when it feels more appropriate: congratulations!

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The public system is totally fine for giving birth , so don’t worry about that part.


There are lots of positives to being young parents. And at 21 she is not too young. She has experienced turning 18 and probably some partying that goes with it. She has probably had a taste of working and is already living out of home. She will have plenty of energy to keep up with her children. Being a mum may bring out the best in her. It does not mean the end to her career neither, she may be more motivated to study or provide for her child. Centrelink is low income, but if she had a partner and child, the income is bigger and all money pooled together will allow them to live okay. Centrelink also offers subsidised child care and talks to them about looking for work or studying when the baby is over.


The best you can do for her, which is easy to say, is be positive. Not sure what your relationship is like now, but I would be trying very hard not to say anything negative and keeping my mouth shut over any concerns,

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Guest BusbyWilkes

Did she specify that she wants to have the baby, or was she just letting you know she’s pregnant?

Assuming she wants to continue with the pregnancy, the GP should go through the “what next.” Usually will do blood tests, possibly refer for a dating scan, discuss options/where to birth.

Given it’s not planned, she could start a pregnancy supplement ASAP. They can be pricey, so getting some for her could be something practical you could do now.

A baby doesn’t take much space. If her partners family are happy for them to stay, then space shouldn’t be an issue to begin with. Is she working or studying? If she needs help, you could start looking at what financial assistance she would be eligible for (mat leave, rent assistance if they move out, family tax A/B.

At the moment, just being there for her and listening without judgement is what she will need (and what it sounds like you’re already doing).

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Try not to worry about not enough room for a baby. My sister lived in a 1 bedroom flat with her husband for the first year of her baby's life. IKEA catalogues often show cots in the parent's bedrooms, tucked into wardrobes etc. A friend of mine lived in 2 bedrooms of her mum's house with 3 kids while putting a second storey on her house.They will have time to sort out living arrangements.

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No advice here. Just a story.


A friend got pregnant young, she was out of high school, early 20s, but no further studies, just working at Cole’s. She had the baby, stayed with the father, he finished his studies and got a good job. They rented together, then she had a second baby, then they bought a house together.

When the second was quite young she went back to uni, so she raised 2 kids, and worked part time while studying. Then she got her education degree and also had a third baby.

Now, she is still in her 20s, has 3 kids, a house and a degree. Her partner is doing well with his career and she is about to start her career as a teacher.


And I’m actually a bit jealous that she managed to get to where she is so young. She has her whole life ahead of her and has already got the hard bit, the babies and the struggle of early home ownership, out of the way.


I’ve always said, there is never a good time to have a baby, they come when they come. You make the best of it.

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Well... I mean, what's experiencing life, anyway? Having a baby is certainly experiencing life. If she's happy to have a baby now, that's up to her - maybe that's the life she'd like to experience. Not everyone wants to experience lots of corporate existence (I do, but that's me), and it's not like you can travel right now anyway.


A very dear friend of mine had her first at 21 (planned, though). She and her husband have a beautiful, loving family, and though I'm a good 12 years older than her, her older-than-mine kids are now reaching a level of independence where she gets to experience much more life outside the family than I get to! As long as your DD is happy, it's swings and roundabouts - it's now, or later, really. If she's not happy, that's of course a different story and requires different support.


I had both of mine in the public system, by the way, and they were great. Could've kept me in a night more the second time after DD2 re-enacted Alien on my butt, but otherwise I couldn't fault them.

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She'll be fine.


I had my first around that age, unplanned.

My public hospital was great.


We are at the stage now where our kids are adults/teens and we have freedom to enjoy life and we're finally in a great financial position.

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It must be a shock for you all and maybe not how you had envisioned how things would go for your daughter, but in time you will all come to accept it and then will feel excited. After all there's your grandchild.

I don't have much advice about anything, only I'll echo what PPs have said...find out what she is entitled to from Centrelink, work maternity leave etc. Down the track she can study if she wants to. It would be good to know if the partner's parents are happy for them to stay. I am sure that would be ideal. Babies only need a sleeping space. In fact with the less room, means the less stuff to buy. Public hospitals are great.

Keep posting here. It may benefit you to explore all your feelings here and share them with us...and then that way you have openly voiced your feelings and can then support your daughter better.

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Have you heard of the Brave Foundation OP? It is aimed at teens, but their website may still be helpful and has plenty of positive stories on it. It is easy for fall for the media spin that teen parents become single mums on welfare for life, where that is not the reality for everyone at all.

https://bravefoundation.org.au/

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In my opinion paying private is really not worth it. You have the gap between what private covers and what you have to pay anyway. I had 2 c-sections in the public system and had a private room each time. Regardless of where you have the baby now you have to provide everything for you and the baby. Plus if the baby needs specialised care they might be sent to a bigger public hospital depending on where you live.


As for space, babies don't need much space, just room for a cot.


And missing out on her 'youth' is not really an issue. I have friends my age whose kids have grown up, moved out and they are able to do as they please as they have had time to save and plan.


If they are happy, be happy for them. If she chooses a different trajectory support her. But never make her feel guilty about the outcome, that will only harm your relationship with her.

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Oooh how exciting!! Congrats* to your DD, and to you grandma!

*presuming she's keeping the baby.


Just to share my experience, it's pretty similar, except 'worse' lol... I was with my now XH for 3 months before accidentally falling pregnant. We were both 19. We had the baby (he's just turned 18!), then got married, had 2 more kids. I started uni, got divorced, then graduated when my kids were in primary school.


Have I travelled? No, but I don't have a huge urge to anyway. Do I own my own home? Nope, but our incomes wouldn't have achieved that anyway. Did I miss out on partying? Nope, I did a couple of years of that before falling pregnant, and I was actually getting pretty bored of it by that stage anyway.

I can't really think of anything else I could've 'missed out on'.


I've loved being a young mum. My kids love that I'm young too.


As for the process, yep GP first, then book into public hospital. I had 3 x brilliant experiences in the public system.

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A positive story, if it helps: (please don't quote for privacy)


My brother and his fiancee are young parents. Their situation is even more unusual, actually - they were friends, interested in each other but my brother was using substances and she wouldn't have a bar of him til he was sober. She fell pregnant after a one-night fling with another guy and that was the incentive he needed to straighten up; when she was 7 weeks pregnant he dropped out of uni (which was horrifying at the time, we thought he was ruining his life), moved back to our hometown, got a flat and a job, and they moved in together. At the time she was 18 and he 19. She had only finished school a few months earlier, had never really had a job, etc. Their daughter is now almost 6 and could not be more loved. He has moved up to a reasonably senior role in his organisation, she (with lots of encouragement and support) went to TAFE to get a qualification, got her driver's licence, found a job in her field, etc. Last year they bought a house together and this year had their second baby. They're now 25 and 26 and doing really well. I couldn't be prouder of my brother. I don't think they've 'missed out' on anything per se; occasionally they lament the frustration of not being able to go out with friends etc. but that would be true if they were parenting in their 30s too!


Good luck to your daughter OP, I hope everything works out well :)

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ClaudiaCosette


There are lots of positives to being young parents. And at 21 she is not too young. She has experienced turning 18 and probably some partying that goes with it. She has probably had a taste of working and is already living out of home. She will have plenty of energy to keep up with her children. Being a mum may bring out the best in her. It does not mean the end to her career neither, she may be more motivated to study or provide for her child. Centrelink is low income, but if she had a partner and child, the income is bigger and all money pooled together will allow them to live okay. Centrelink also offers subsidised child care and talks to them about looking for work or studying when the baby is over.

 

This is what I was thinking also. 21 is young, yes, but there are plenty of positives to have a baby at that age.


And I agree that the public system is fine for giving birth - I've had all my kids through the public system and I can't imagine going private would have been that much better.

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My advice is just be there for her.

It’s not always ideal to have kids so young, but if she has a good head on her shoulders and family support she will be fine.

I had my first at 18. It’s been challenging at times but certainly not the tragedy some people make it out to be. Life doesn’t end when you have kids.

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Lizzybirdsworth

I had my first at 16. He is 19 now. Best thing I ever did was have him.

The best thing you can do for her is just be there. Listen, support and lots of cuddles.

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Oh OP, I can imagine what you're feeling.


I was your daughter. Pregnant at 19, had my first at 20.


While my friends were travelling the world, I was knee deep in nappies and bottles.


Would I change it? No. You can't miss what you don't know. I had no inclination to travel the world etc. I was always a homebody and quite shy. I loved to party but didn't hesitate to alter my life. I still saw my friends, just in a different capacity - I would go to parties but would leave when things got crazy. We would meet for lunch or at someone's house. We messaged A LOT.


I made new friends along the way.


My ex and I bought a house when I was 21. I got a good part-time job and fell pregnant with my second shortly thereafter.


My ex and I split after 7 years together, when DS2 was 2.


I am 30, with a new partner, and 3 kids. A soon to be new home. I run a successful company and we have no debts to our name (not even a credit card). When I am 40, I will have a 20 year old, 18 year old and a 12 year old! If travel is allowed by then, I can do it in style ;)


My life hasn't been dictated by an age number, try not to let your daughters. The biggest thing i needed was non-judgmental support, and someone to occasionally watch the kiddos so I could blow off some steam (not every weekend by the way! Just whenever Mum would offer, I wouldn't say no).


The first year was especially tough. I had no experience with newborns and my parents lived over an hour away. But I made it through with the support of my ex and my ex in laws :)

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Thank you all so much for your encouragement and stories. I am a bit less shell-shocked today. She has started on vitamins, and thinks she's about six weeks. I believe the intention is to have the baby.


Entirely happy with the public system, just it's different to what I know, so I'm not as sure about how it works. I know they'll take good care of her. My first was early so we ended up in a tertiary hospital anyway.


[mention]mumlife[/mention] I haven't got a pm, please try again.


I know that 21 isn't super young, and that she can do things when her child/ren are older. I just kind of wish she had a firmer foundation. I'm not sure about the Dad. He already has a 3 y.o. I don't really know him that well to be honest, but may have to remedy that now. I am a bit worried about the relationship side of it, I wouldn't have encouraged a child at this stage of their couple-ness.


Thank you for letting me express my concerns, and providing some reassurance. I know it won't be easy, and she is going to need support during the pregnancy and beyond. I think part of my problem will be not interfering too much. The balance between being there and being too much there. I will do my best to guide but not direct. And not voice my opinion on everything. She will be a great mother, she loves kids, I have absolute faith that she will make this work for her. It's not how I thought her life would go, but she steered from that course years ago. I adore babies too, just have to remember this little one isn't mine (but the big one still is).


[mention]Blueskies[/mention] thank you for the suggestion to keep posting here. The knowledge here is immense, and hopefully I can draw on some of it to help me through this process, and with the balancing act. And then I can be a better mother to DD when she needs me.

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Re the public system, I had a pretty good experience. I only had to pay for my 12 week scan and blood test and 20 week scan, everything else was free It ended up being a week in hospital pre-birth, five day stay after birth, caesar, epidural and special care for DS for a couple of days. I didn't get my own room and I saw a different OB during each appointment, but the care was excellent the entire way and very thorough.


Anyway, good luck and all the best. As they say, life is what happens when you're busy making other plans! There are definitely some advantages to having kids when you're younger and more energetic, I am an older mum and gee sometimes I feel it!

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Having an already 3 yr old would be a concern to me, mostly because of the age of the dad, so in that way I absolutely empathise with you. A positive story though is a friend had a baby in a new relationship, the dad never even saw the baby, baby was so well cared for it missed nothing and is a successful person.

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