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What am I doing wrong?


Guest Chamomile

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Guest Chamomile

Hi EB,

I’m a mum of a 1 yo and I’ve received so much good help from EB in the past.

I knew mum-life would be hard, but I’m finding it out of this world difficult. I can barely go on. Please let me know where I am going wrong. I am willing to make changes and have tried to seek help, but no luck so far.

- my baby doesn’t sleep well usually wakes 3-6 times per night. I give him a tiny breastfeed back to sleep because it is the quickest and I have to do all the nights (and days). He has never slept thru.

- i wake up, give him breakfast and have my breakfast.

Then we usually go to the park to get him a bit tired.

Then morning nap for an hour at 9:30-10am.

Then we try to stay indoors during the middle of the day because he doesn’t wear a hat.

Then afternoon nap at 3pm.

Then at 5:30, my husband takes him to the park for 40 mins and I frantically do housework and cook dinner.

Then eat dinner, I run a bath.

Then a bit of play on the mat and bed at 8:30pm.

I need to sleep when he does at 8:30pm. If I stay up while he is sleeping, I will not have the energy for all his wake ups.


So my main complaints are:

- I never get to leave the house. I had a lunch out in July. I haven’t been out without DS since.

- Any free minutes I get are spent cleaning. I have to clean because he crawls around and puts his hands in his mouth. And there is endless washing. So I have zero spare minutes. I don’t even shower everyday (see how shower wasn’t in my daily routine.)

I have asked my mum for help and she comes over once per week and does the lunchtime and afternoon sleep with me. I use this time for housework.

I had a referral for tresilian, but my psych said it’s a lot of crying and I wouldn’t like it.

I’ve had PND. Done individual psych sessions. But I don’t even have the time for them now.

I’m sorry this is so dumb. I just can barely go on. I need a break.

What am I doing wrong?

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I know my DS (19months) wouldn’t have been able to sleep well overnight wish a later afternoon nap. We started to go to one nap around 13 months and that’s when he started sleeping through consistently. I work 4 days so my schedule at that age (and now) was dictated by needing to leave for work and following the daycare routine on home days but here’s what we did


6am wake up


7.30am breakfast


Outing if home day (swimming, shops, park)


Big snack before nap


11-11.30am - 1.30pm nap


Lunch after nap


Play


5.00pm dinner

5.30pm bath


Bed by 6.30

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I cant say what you are doing wrong but I did not clean that much I did a job a day so mop downstairs one day, dusting another, vacumming upstairs the next. we went out every day either for a short walk in very bad weather a longer one or for half a day.


My son ds have a long afternoon nap (and a shorter one in the morning when he was smaller) so after my one job a day was done I relaxed then.


I prepared vegetables if was home more otherwise we did it when dh got home.


I didn't feel like ds used a lot of clothes because he had one outfit in the day and one at night, a onesie usually - unless he was sick/bad nappy

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Fruitmincepies

Clean less! Dirt really isn’t that bad, and in fact may (may) be protective against developing allergies. Mopping once a week is fine, vacuuming once a week is ok too. Just sweep up the crumbs under the high chair (or eat outside!). Washing is never ending.


Other thing - as they get older they can become more adaptable and you can break the routine more, so hang in there. It’s hard when they are still breastfed.

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A two nap day would’ve been


6am wake up


7.30am breakfast


9.00am nap (1 hour)


11.30am lunch


1.30pm nap (1.5 hour)


6.30 bed


We started to find that we could t fit the two naps in without bed time blowing out and he’s up so early that later than 7pm for bed wasn’t working

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Ok, first and foremost, you are doing Nothing wrong. Nothing. Parenting is hard hard work and some kids are easier than others. My first used to wake up after 20 minutes, 24/7, got the first year of her life. I've had 4 kids now and nothing has been as hard as that first year with #1.


Anyway, some things you could try:

See if bub's is ready for 1 midday sleep, this may help improve night sleep.

If possible (very child and set up dependent) do the housework you can with bub, he could hand you clothes to put in the washing machine, or dry the plastic dishes after they've been washed etc.

If you can shortcut stuff eg. Use a dryer if you usually save it for emergencies or whatever, put yourself first and save the time

Also, if you're cup is low, the housework can wait. Take some time for yourself. Ds will survive getting a little dirt in his mouth, he Needs his mum to be okay

Get your partner to do some chores when you go to bed with ds, it's his house too (I could say a lot about men not sharing the load here, but i'm sure it will get covered)

Much love op, you are doing awesome xx

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A two nap day would’ve been


6am wake up


7.30am breakfast


9.00am nap (1 hour)


11.30am lunch


1.30pm nap (1.5 hour)


6.30 bed


We started to find that we could t fit the two naps in without bed time blowing out and he’s up so early that later than 7pm for bed wasn’t working

 

Our schedule was similar at that age but 7-7. She’d usually wake around 6.30 though. First nap around 9, then lunch 11.30, nap at 1.30 then dinner at 5.30, bath, book and bed at 7.

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First of all you're not doing anything wrong. You're doing your absolute best under very trying circumstances, us mothers have all been there.


It sounds like a couple of issues.


1) sleep and routine - it sounds like your routine is pretty good however that amount of waking overnight at 1 year old is way too much, bubs must be so tired, and you! If you can both get a good nights sleep you have much more energy during the day.


It took me to child #3 to seek a sleep consultant (private) - best thing ever! They helped us with settling and gave us a good routine to follow (this was when DS was 5 months old). He improved in literally 1 night and by week 4 was self settling. In that 1 night of "training" we went from co-sleeping (and doing tiny breastfeeds to sleep) to him in a cot in his own room with 1 dreamfeed a night. Changed my life.


I don't know what methods Tresilian use but my consultant let DS cry for 2 mins max before going in to settle him. I was ok with that. She was able to point out his crying was in frustration and not distress which was eye opening for me. The feed to sleep becomes a habit hence the constant waking. Overnight sleep is paramount for you both, please see if you can get some assistance otherwise you may battle this for a LONG time.


2)personal sanity - never leaving the house - this is difficult because of the sleep bubs needs during the day. However you are not a solo parent and this is where you need to talk to your husband and tell him (don't ask, tell) you need some time for yourself on a regular basis. Whether it's for psych sessions (please look after your mental health), meditation, exercise, socialising with friends or whatever activity you enjoy. Your husband needs to step up so that you can have a break from all the parenting and domestic duties. As an aside, consider lowering your cleaning and household chore standards, doesn't have to be forever but just to give you some breathing space. I also had a cleaner come in once a fortnight but I know that is a luxury not many people can consider.


Please look after yourself as a priority, try to find assistance to improve bubs night sleep and get your husband on board to give you regular alone time that has nothing to do with parenting or domestic duties.

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I don't think you are doing anything wrong, but that isn't any kind of life you are leading. It would make me depressed too.

Here are a few random ideas, I don't necessarily think you should try all of them. Just one or two might stand out as something you could try.

1. You should not have to be a martyr to motherhood. Every parent needs time to do things they enjoy. Can you afford a day or even a half day of day care (eg occasional care or family day care might suit for a half day option). Then you could relax a little or even go out for something you like

2. Can you start taking your son out to child friendly activities where you can mix with other adults. Eg playgroups for little ones, mother's groups, ABA group, playdate with a friend, etc. there are probably a range of options available near where you live. Your son is old enough to start getting something out of these, but mainly it's about sanity for you

3. Your son may sleep better if you night wean. I had to do this with my youngest at 13 months as she was waking to feed back to sleep more and more. It only took nights and she slept through once I refused the breast (you can get your DP to help with this by doing the nights for those few days)

4. Clean less. Children don't need a really clean environment. It doesn't matter if they touch the floor then put their hands in their mouths, really. It's good for them. Children mainly catch illnesses from other children, not from the floor.

5. Janet Lansbury is a parenting expert some people admire a lot. She advocates teaching even very young children to be able to occupy themselves in play alone for significant periods. She suggests setting up a safe play space (maybe using baby gates) and teach your child to enjoy time exploring there on their own or with you nearby but not holding them,

I hope you can find some ways to make your life more enjoyable.

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I agree with previous posters that there likely isn’t anything you are doing wrong but things need to change to meet your needs.


At that age I took my DS out a lot. Sometimes to Mothers Group but mostly to a shopping centre for an hour or two. Sometimes to one a bit of a drive away to get the nap in. Bit of groceries and lots of window shopping to get the steps up. Once he was crawling those little soft play areas were good for a stop. I would use the parents rooms but often would feed or do nappy changes in the car.


On weekends I would go out without the baby, my DH was able to take over and is quite a homebody.

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Guest Chamomile

Thanks everyone. Some really helpful tips.

He’s waking up every 20mins tonight. I seriously don’t know how I can last the night. I am exhausted.

Should I go to my GP in the morning and just say I cannot do this? There must be some help out there. I need to sleep or I can’t take care of him.

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Fruitmincepies

A baby waking every 20 minutes is terrible for your health, but it’s also terrible for the baby! They need deep sleep too. A GP visit for a check up and a referral to sleep school is a very sound plan. When DS wakes up more than twice a night, it’s either thunderstorms or ear infections. So you might find your DS has multiple things going on, and not just a boob-association sleep problem.

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Can you go to the Child health nurse? They can get you into something like Tresillian pretty quickly if needed. Every 20 mins is crap. No one could handle that for anything other than the occasional bad night, If you feel comfortable sharing your state or city then we might be able to suggest services for you.

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Guest Chamomile

I’m in Sydney.

He’s sleeping nicely while I hold him. But I can’t get any sleep.

GP will just refer me to Tresillian and I don’t want him to cry it out. The only thing I have going for me is that I feel like he is well looked after. I don’t want to lose the only good thing I have.

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Also you aren't doing anything wrong. Parenting is really freaking hard. Especially with a baby who isn't sleeping.


Maybe your DH needs to take a days sick leave and just hold on to him all day and let you sleep before you fall down completely.

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I have been to sleep school (the place i went to is now a branch of Tresillian) and i didn't think their philosophy was the same as cry it out but that is a very personal thing, The book they used is Safe Sleep Space. I remember a lot of singing to settle and waiting near the door before going in. I didnt do anything i didnt feel comfortable with.

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Fruitmincepies

I don’t know about tressillian, but sleep school here is certainly not cry it out, it’s about responsive settling. So you listen to the baby and respond as needed - you don’t just leave a distressed baby to cry. My DD would cry going to sleep - it was a frustrated cry, because she was tired and wanted to go to sleep. I could leave her and she would cry for less than a minute and would be asleep.


DS gets super distressed at me not being in the room, and there is no way I can leave him. But a day stay at sleep school helped us move from co-sleeping and feeding to sleep to DS sleeping in his cot by himself, to sleeping through or waking once or twice a night within a week. He’s now 3yo and still needs me to be in the room while he goes to sleep, and is still waking up some nights and needing me to get him back to sleep. It’s ok but not ideal.

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I hope you get some sleep. Funnily enough, given your name, my European relos would suggest giving him chamomile tea. I'm pretty sure they think it's the answer to everything.

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Guest Chamomile

Haha. I wish chamomile tea would solve our problems!


We survived the night. I got about 2 hours sleep. Going to the GP this morning. I hope there is something they can offer.

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Oh Chamomile that sounds so rough. I know many many parents found that waking constantly and only sleeping on someone was a sign of reflux caused by diary intolerance.


Also, look up the possums approach to sleeping. It’s still about feeding or rocking to sleep if that’s what you do (we did until recently) but encourages you to “mentally stimulate” baby and build “sleep pressure”. I’m in a Facebook group where so many people rave about it and it’s basically what I’ve done with DS without realising!

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Can you afford a cleaner for 3 hours fortnightly? When I had PND and then right up until my guy started 4 year old kinder I had a cleaner. Took that rush rush feeling away.

Good luck, lots if good advice here. BTW sleep school often let's you have a night or 2 sleep while they handle things.

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