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Do you give up "too much" of yourself for your children?


Darryl

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Spin off from the Having Kids/Not Having Kids topic...


Without using the word "sacrifice" (oops!) - do you think you give too much of your time, energy and effort to your kids to the exclusion of yourself - to the point where it has you wondering how much is too much?

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I have in the past. Baby/toddler years without sleep and two rounds of PND meant I felt the only way to be a good mother was to put them first all the time, even if it left me utterly depleted.


As they’ve gotten older I’ve realised that approach actually made me a crap parent because I was constantly exhausted and cranky. I am much better now at taking time for myself and making clear to them why I do, because it’s important for them to understand that it is ok to put yourself first. Oxygen masks on a plane and all those metaphors

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I'd say yes, but by the nature of having so many so close together I also don't think I could give much less and be an adequate parent. Tis the season I guess, once they're older I'd hope to be able to make some space for myself again. I kinda miss me, but I've still got 5 years before my youngest gets to school. Only a couple of years till the middle two are though. If dh was around more it might help too, but he works such long hours, it feels a lot like solo parenting sometimes

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acidulous osprey

I'm with Pooks. My life is definitely not what I signed up for as a parent. It's better now we are getting respite regularly with a STA service DS actually likes and feels safe with.

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Oh yes definitely in the early years, having a small child was all encompassing and at one point I realised I didn't have the time/energy to cut my toenails, seriously.


I started getting back me time once DS was in kinder, his sleeping improved and I went back to work part time. Work was good for me as it gave me something else to focus on, a reason to get dressed up etc.


Now I feel as if I have a nice work/life balance and I really enjoy DS. I have come to the realisation that I am an extroverted introvert who needs quiet alone time to decompress and relax, so DH and I try to make that happen regularly.

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Probably. I do perhaps 80% of the parenting, planning and worrying about kid related things. My husband is pretty much engaged in the fun stuff only. It’s only since they’ve started school that I schedule things just for me.


I don’t necessarily see it as a sacrifice. They’re our kids and our responsibility.


I just wish my husband ‘cared’ more about doing things. He does care of course but is not proactive and doesn’t care about getting it right. Eg if I did nothing then they’d have no extracurricular activities, have a diet of burgers and chips 7 times a week and not have the right size clothes or shoes. So it feels like I do too much because of his lack of input and in comparison to him, not that I do too much as a parent per se.

 

I really relate to this. If I didn't do everything I do, noone would sign any notes for school or know what was going on, have clothes that fit, buy presents for anyone, get to bed at a decent hour etc etc. I have next to no me time but that is because I'm not prepared to allow the chaos that would happen if I stepped back.

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ClaudiaCosette

Probably. I do perhaps 80% of the parenting, planning and worrying about kid related things. My husband is pretty much engaged in the fun stuff only. It’s only since they’ve started school that I schedule things just for me.


I don’t necessarily see it as a sacrifice. They’re our kids and our responsibility.


I just wish my husband ‘cared’ more about doing things. He does care of course but is not proactive and doesn’t care about getting it right. Eg if I did nothing then they’d have no extracurricular activities, have a diet of burgers and chips 7 times a week and not have the right size clothes or shoes. So it feels like I do too much because of his lack of input and in comparison to him, not that I do too much as a parent per se.

 

I really relate to this. If I didn't do everything I do, noone would sign any notes for school or know what was going on, have clothes that fit, buy presents for anyone, get to bed at a decent hour etc etc. I have next to no me time but that is because I'm not prepared to allow the chaos that would happen if I stepped back.

 

Absolutely agree with both of you. When I was young, naive and childfree, I said things to future DH like "childcare is awful for kids, I will never send my kids there" and "I never want to go back to work, I just want to be a stay at home mum". And he took those things to heart and has never let me forget I said them. Therefore I have been a stay at home mum for 8.5 years now and the only time I've had a break from my (then 2) kids was when I was in hospital waiting for the next 2 to arrive.


I honestly think I would have been (and would be now) a better mum if I had time away from my kids that I could count on regularly. Next year I will as my little ones will start kindy, and I am looking forward to that. But the baby/toddler years have been brutal on me and all my kids have been clingy (some more so than others, but all to some degree) and DH finds this very convenient as he can say "they don't want me, they just want you."


I do feel fulfillment in being a mum and I do love my kids. I just find them so much easier when they are that bit older and not so dependent. I just don't feel like myself anymore, I'm just a mum now.

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ClaudiaCosette

Oh yes definitely in the early years, having a small child was all encompassing and at one point I realised I didn't have the time/energy to cut my toenails, seriously.


I started getting back me time once DS was in kinder, his sleeping improved and I went back to work part time. Work was good for me as it gave me something else to focus on, a reason to get dressed up etc.


Now I feel as if I have a nice work/life balance and I really enjoy DS. I have come to the realisation that I am an extroverted introvert who needs quiet alone time to decompress and relax, so DH and I try to make that happen regularly.

 

I missed this before. Yes, this is totally me as well.

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Maybe at first, because babies are helpless, you have to give up yourself for them, it’s just what you have to do. I mean it doesn’t have to be just the mum, but DH and I both gave up all else to keep the kids alive. Especially with 2 kids close in age.


Not so much now. Firstly, kids are older and don’t need constant supervision, and they’re both in school this year. Also, there isn’t a lot id rather be doing, we have done travel, we have done (and not enjoyed) the youthful pubs and nightclubs thing. We have worked and built careers (DH more than me, but I’m happy with my job). DH would probably travel more, and he would probably love to play a sport, but I’m a bit over travel and I don’t like sport.


It was a conscious decision to stop at 2 kids though, so that I wouldn’t be stuck in the baby years for any longer, and so that we could get our lives back quicker. And also so that we wouldn’t have kids still living at home when we retire.

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No I don't (which makes me sound like a bad parent). I learned years ago that I can't pour from an empty cup. I try to give DP, the kids and myself equal priority and focus on quality over quantity. I don't live I utopia and sometimes get the balance wrong, but that's what I strive for.

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No i dont, im very lucky that i have felt a good balance between being a mum and still being me over the years, im very very lucky to have a DH who is actively involved with helping with the 2 kids, and if we each need me time we take it even of it inconveniences each other as we both know that taking care of ourselves helps us be the best parents we can be. Fortnightly date nights and equal share of the housework with DH makes me less cranky and screamy (most of the time) Once or twice a year i try to take a night away in a hotel with a friend which helps me take a breather too

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I guess I try and work what needs to be done over what I feel should be done, I am a hoarder DH is a tidier and DS is more like DH than me so we just try and ensure the basics are done then if other things get done it is a bonus.


There is no point in one of saying 'you have to do it because I have decided it has to be done or done a certain way' so we try and each have time to do our own thing or help each other if the other is feeling overwhelmed

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It was easy to get a bit consumed by it all when they were babies / toddlers, but I would say now no, its a pretty good balance. I feel like we've come out the other side a little bit where I have some more freedom but they're still young enough to be pretty cruisy and the teenage bullshit hasn't hit us yet (8, 10 and 12)

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Without a doubt but overall they are with you such a short time before they fly the nest. My 5 year old already talks about moving out!


Like PP's said, your kids = your responsibility. My DH works long hours (he has left the house way before we wake up) and 6 days a week so the parenting and mental load that goes along with it is left up to me. Yes it's exhausting, I don't even get a break when I'm sick but it won't be forever and I know I'm going to miss these days and reminisce when she's older and doesn't want a bar of me. I grew up with a self-sacrificing martyr of a mother so it's been hard to for me to prioritise self-care even though I know it's so important.

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Phillipa Crawford

I think if you are unprepared to give up 'too much' then don't have them.

I don't mean you should turn yourself into the servant and abide by their every whim or set up a family dynamic where your wants are nothing. That's not doing well by a child. It benefits a child to see happy fulfilled parents so you should value your self too


However if you choose to have children that means that what is in their best interest is paramount. Just as you can't eat or drink what you like while pregnant, once they are with you, what is best for them should be a deciding factor. Very often there is a middle ground and that tough- either or decision- doesn't need to be made but in conflict, children first


In choosing to have children you are choosing the next generation to influence the world and you have to attempt to do it right.

you don't always of course, but I believe you should try

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Pigeonpairplusone

Yea definitely when they were younger - I had 3 in 4 years & wanted to be home with them. I worked intermittently during the younger years but I did dedicate myself to the kids mostly.


Now they are older & pretty cruisy kids (even the teenagers so far!) I definitely have more time to dedicate to myself. I’ve been studying, have my own small business & try to go out with friends etc.

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Probably. I do perhaps 80% of the parenting, planning and worrying about kid related things. My husband is pretty much engaged in the fun stuff only. It’s only since they’ve started school that I schedule things just for me.


I don’t necessarily see it as a sacrifice. They’re our kids and our responsibility.


I just wish my husband ‘cared’ more about doing things. He does care of course but is not proactive and doesn’t care about getting it right. Eg if I did nothing then they’d have no extracurricular activities, have a diet of burgers and chips 7 times a week and not have the right size clothes or shoes. So it feels like I do too much because of his lack of input and in comparison to him, not that I do too much as a parent per se.

 

I really relate to this. If I didn't do everything I do, noone would sign any notes for school or know what was going on, have clothes that fit, buy presents for anyone, get to bed at a decent hour etc etc. I have next to no me time but that is because I'm not prepared to allow the chaos that would happen if I stepped back.

 

Yes, I only do one day less of paid work than DH, but do at least eighty per cent of all the domestic work (including the yard). For many years, the only time I had to myself was during the evenings of an annual work conference. I’d stay at interstate hotels for 2-3 nights - one of these nights would be the conference dinner and the other(s) would be totally mine. My colleagues tried to persuade me to go out with them, but no way was I ever going to give up such precious time to myself (with literally no thought load).


These days (probably for the last 2-3 years), the kids have become quite independent so I now have plenty of time to fritter such as I’m currently doing.

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I've lost everything that made me who I am. I lost my marriage, my home, my family (I can't legally move away from XH), any chance of a career, hobbies, friends, my health - everything.


DS is amazing and I love being a Mum, but it's impossible to be a single working mum with no support and have the full responsibility to be and do everything alone. I had no idea it would be this hard.


XH on the other hand is reliving his carefree 20s.

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No, not usually.


I was very determined that it was right for me to retain non-mum time from the beginning, so I went back to my volunteering (girl guides) when the kids were 3 months, popped them in daycare for one short day a week when they were little so I had time alone and they got used to the idea. It’s been very important to have time.


Sometimes the career hit is galling. Six years and two kids on and I haven’t got the promotion I was half promised before they knew I was pregnant the first time. But to be fair, I’m not willing anymore to stay late or do the kissing up needed, so perhaps that’s reasonable. And careers are long, so hopefully that will shake out.

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No I don't think so. I get really angry if I do so I regularly check myself - DH can be a bit helpless so I have to stop myself covering for him constantly as well.


I've kept my career, friends, sport, hobbies, regular date nights with DH and personal time. I've focused on my physical and mental health. It hasn't been easy! But I feel a strong need to be 'me' and not 'just' someone's mum or wife.

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