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Daffy2016

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I am honestly at my wits end. I know three is a terrible age but DD drives me nearly to tears every day. I am snappy and angry with her but I honestly have nothing left.


She doesn’t listen, every request (or direction) is ignored, getting something done - like a shower - takes hours of repeating myself, time out, negotiation attempts at every step.


She does shout or scream much, but just totally ignores me. Or every comment or question is met with ‘why’, which goes in circles until I lose my patience.


I don’t want to be this parent but I honestly cannot cope with her anymore. She stayed at her grandparents on Friday night and I felt like a new person. Even DH commented how I was in such a good mood.


I love her dearly but I don’t like her very much at the moment, and I feel terrible.


Is there anything I can do or do I just wait for it to pass?

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Fruitmincepies

My 3yo is particularly into hurting his big sister, and throwing tantrums. At daycare he is apparently the most friendly, lovely, caring, helpful kid, and they all love him. He just saves his devil-side for me and DD.


There have been a few times lately where I really wanted to lock him in a cupboard. I would have except I felt it would probably have made the behaviour worse!

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Kiwi Bicycle

Is she doing daycare or kindergarten at all? They don't take nosense, and if anything gives you a break to regroup. She might even be eager to go. If she's not old enough in your state for kindergarten, what about daycare for a couple of days a week?

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Ugh, 3yos. Mine is getting closer to 4 so some things are improving, but he gets very very fixated, so if he wants something and he can't have it, my god the drama. I'm a bit of a hard ass atm though, this is what needs to happen, you can come willingly or I will move you. If you want to tantrum that's fine but I've got other stuff to do, come see me when you're ready for a cuddle. Too many kids to stay still and console every little thing 🙈 anyway, it does get better, just do your best and it'll all work out, and take any break you can get xx

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My longest ever thread on EB was one I started complaining about my three year old (DS2). When I used to have the time to follow Facebook parenting groups, almost everyone posted about their 3.5yos. Three year olds are hard, but some are harder than others.


I never shut my 3yo in a cupboard, but I used to shut myself and DS2 (a baby at the time) in the toilet to give DS1 a chance to calm down and us a break from him hitting us.


I spent a lot of time reminding myself that what made them difficult 3yos wouldn't make them difficult adults. But OMG getting there is hard.

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[mention]riotproof[/mention] I do - DS is three months old. I know a lot of this is adjustment but honestly poor DS spends most of his time lying on his mat being ignored while I try to deal with DD so I’m probably not as sympathetic as I should be.


[mention]Kiwi Bicycle[/mention] shes in daycare three days a week. They say she’s fine there although they pretty much leave her to do her own thing. For example, they’ll ask her if she needs to go to the toilet and just leave it when she says no. Then she has an accident (usually one, sometimes two). I’ve told them she always says no if asked and has to be told to go, but I’m still washing multiple loads of wet undies each day.

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[mention]mandelbrot[/mention] I try to remind myself that some of these qualities will benefit her as an adult, but it’s hard! She generally doesn’t tantrum - she’ll just choose to ignore anything she doesn’t want to hear. So I can tell her ten times to put her pants on, but she won’t do it until I threaten time out. I tried doing timeout straight away but she started talking about how naughty she is so I stopped.

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It’s really hard for all of you, don’t get me wrong.


Sometimes it can just help to make her feel important. So, when the baby is completely happy on the mat... ask her, can you please check that baby is happy? Or is she asleep?


Make her feel included in little ways. Maybe she could have a special chino with you on the weekend or when Dh is home.

Could she pick the baby’s outfit? Just little things like that.


Fingers crossed for you!

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Fruitmincepies

We have left the house many times recently with DS either mostly nude or still wearing his pyjamas. He usually chooses to get dressed as soon as we get into the car (which is annoying), but now when I say do you want to get dressed or go in your pyjamas he usually chooses to get dressed in the house.

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I would try not to repeat yourself when you ask her to do something. If she doesn't do it the first/second time then apply some consequences that you are happy with. For example "if you don't have your pants on on the count of 3 I will put them on for/you will stay in PJs/we can't go out" whichever is most suitable for your circumstances. So not a punishment but a logical consequence that results from her decision. I personally went with the "you will stay in your PJs route" because really it doesn't matter, but gave DD the choice within a limited timeframe.


And then repeat this method over and over and over again with all of the things. And also make sure you seem rather uninterested in the result of whichever decision she makes (as much as possible). She gets a sense of more control, and less attention when she is not listening to you.

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Positives with work better than punishments. Work out what her currency is (mini M&M, episode of Bluey, sticker, mum time) then work out one or two behaviours you want to change. Tell her she will get a gem/star/sticker when she does behaviour (brushes teeth, gets in bath) and tell her you will only ask X amount of times and then she doesn’t get the reward. I took my girls shopping and we got them a pit each and a packet of gems from the $2 shop. Each time they did one of the behaviours they got a gem in the pot. When they got five they got the reward. I got much more immediate improvement in behaviour than when I was threatening time out or taking away something.


I also like the book: how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk.

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Thanks [mention]Fizgig[/mention]. We have tried several rewards methods but she loses interest after a few days and doesn’t care anymore. I’ve also tried some of the tactics from the book but she doesn’t engage - when I try to talk solutions with her she just shrugs and says she doesn’t know. I’ll have a reread though.


Sorry to sound so negative but I’m feeling very down about it all at the moment.

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Three can be so hard. And it can be different for different kids. My older one, man he was hard. He would howl and scream and carry on so much. We found lots of sensory activities helped him and limited choices. Too many choices = meltdown. Not enough choice = meltdown. Not enough sleep = meltdown. Etc. logical consequences worked best. Rewards etc for positive behaviour did absolutely nothing (those types of things never ever worked for him). Strict consistent boundaries and routine helped somewhat. And time.

The younger child, well we used timeout a bit. It worked for him unlike the older child. Again he needed very consistent boundaries. But it wasn’t unknown for me to be carrying a screaming 3 yr old under one arm still dressed in PJs to daycare...


On the bathroom thing, I was blunt and if they said no to a bathroom break it was the option of nappies being out on because I wasn’t going to be washing multiple undies a day when I knew they were perfectly fine to use the toilet but were too “busy” not too use it. Actual accidents didn’t bother me. I’d actually be annoyed at the daycare over that. Ours always carted off the entire group for a toilet visit at the same time for the rooms with kids in undies.

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Fruitmincepies

I would try not to repeat yourself when you ask her to do something. If she doesn't do it the first/second time then apply some consequences that you are happy with. For example "if you don't have your pants on on the count of 3 I will put them on for/you will stay in PJs/we can't go out" whichever is most suitable for your circumstances. So not a punishment but a logical consequence that results from her decision. I personally went with the "you will stay in your PJs route" because really it doesn't matter, but gave DD the choice within a limited timeframe.


And then repeat this method over and over and over again with all of the things. And also make sure you seem rather uninterested in the result of whichever decision she makes (as much as possible). She gets a sense of more control, and less attention when she is not listening to you.

 

Yes, this is where choose your battles really comes into it, isn’t it? For me the important thing is leaving the house on time, it doesn’t really matter if DS is dressed or not. So I tell him he can get dressed or not, I don’t really care either way.

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Thanks @Fizgig. We have tried several rewards methods but she loses interest after a few days and doesn’t care anymore. I’ve also tried some of the tactics from the book but she doesn’t engage - when I try to talk solutions with her she just shrugs and says she doesn’t know. I’ll have a reread though.


Sorry to sound so negative but I’m feeling very down about it all at the moment.

You are not sounding negative. I totally get it. My DD was a nightmare from about 20 months ans it took her until about 6 to understand consequences and be able to change her behaviour to avoid them. I actually got fed up with all these well meaning comments around being consistent, trying x,y and z, positive rewards work etc. It just did not work. Every time I gave a potential consequence I would always have to follow through and 100 times later it would not be any different!


Anyway, I had no idea how much a baby would turn my toddler’s life upside down. Doing positive things with her would back fire - a special trip out with mum ended with tantrums and me feeling like how on earth would I manage the two of them in public.


Practical things that did help was a lock for the baby’s room so I could be sure they were safe when asleep and no little person would be throwing toys to them or poking them. Toilet training seemed to turn into a power struggle, so don’t feel bad about going back to nappies. Takes the stress off. Take any offers of help. Shop on line. Read different parenting articles and try a few different things.


Remember there is hope! Mine is a teenager now and still stubborn and difficult but also very independent and is pretty sensible. I have 2 others that were also high maintenance but never seemed quite as extreme as her - they both have ADHD diagnoses. So if it does not pass, get some help. Or even get help now. It might be normal it might not.


The best advice I heard that sticks with me is that if you are finding you are not liking your child, it is your responsibility to find a way to connect with them. So I would always try to find something, even if it is reading a book, playing a game I find boring or watching Bluey together. I also read something about telling your child you loved them 7 times a day so I would do that (even if I was not totally feeling it) as with all the negativity it is easy to get lost.

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