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Help with body image issue 4yo boy


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Ok so here goes.


My 4yo son is regularly bringing up his ‘big tummy’ after eating. He doesn’t like how it’s a little rounded after eating (even though we’ve talked about how normal that is). Tonight he said it made him look ugly and that he could just walk around holding it in all day.


He’s also very self conscious about being seen naked by anyone. For example he is very reluctant to change into bathers at the beach. This morning he didn’t even want the DOG to see him in only jocks while he got ready for school.


At this same age DS1 was still getting his kit off to run nude in the rain! Having said that he did go through a short phase of being worried about being ‘fat’ after an older child told him he had ‘fat guts’.


Sooooo I don’t know how to handle this? How worried should I be?

Any recommendations for resources on how to talk to kids about their bodies?


I’m so sad for him.


Thanking you in advance ❤️

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Guest Chic n Stu

Oh my goodness, that sounds upsetting for you both.


I have no useful suggestions on where to from here to build him back up, but I'd be looking very hard to identify the root cause. Those sentiments don't sound as though they've come from a vacuum. My 4YO is definitely going through a phase of identifying things and people as big or small but it's a neutral thing for most of the part, or frustration at not being taller.

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Fruitmincepies

DD went through a phase a bit like this at about 5yo. She even mentioned not liking my ‘big’ tummy (I had put on a bit of weight at that stage). We chatted about how you look on the outside having nothing to do with the person you are on the inside, but I’m not sure that made much of an impression. Anyway, she hasn’t mentioned anything in ages so who knows ?

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[mention]Chic n Stu[/mention] yes I agree - I would love to know where it is coming from but i admit I feel a bit anxious to ask as I don’t want to accidentally reinforce anything.


One night after dinner he was actually sobbing asking me to help him ‘make his tummy go back’ 😫😭


It’s not every day, we can go days to weeks with no comments at all and then it comes up again. Ah jeez parenting is hard sometimes.

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I know that you mentioned that an older child called him ‘fat guts’ or similar, but does he go to daycare/preschool where another child may be saying something to him?

I only have to look at DP’s brother to see how those who should be mature adults, can say the stupidest things to kids.

My then slightly underweight, 5yr old had a similar issue where DP’s brother used to call him fat and think that it was funny!

DS wasn’t worried about people seeing him, but kept standing side on and asking me if he looked skinnier today, as he had done ‘x’ sit-ups and ‘y’ push-ups.


He still makes smart arse jokes with DS who is now 8. Hence, we don’t let him see the kids very often. I can see that some kids may have a similar situation and become obsessed with body image and then be transferring that on to kids of their own age.

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Phillipa Crawford

My brilliantly worded from a kindergarten teacher message got a 403!!!!


The gist

Look at how family and close friends talk about bodies - avoid emphasis/compliments on looks, but focus on what great things the body does - even get into the anatomical workings.


Surround him with toys, books that feature diversity - not just in shape but different ability, ethnic groups etc.


Avoid any contact with dieting messages from TV, books, yourself or grandma.


My DD recommends a facebook group Joyful eating for your family for some great ideas.


Speak to his preschool teacher - she can help or refer you on

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@Chic n Stu yes I agree - I would love to know where it is coming from but i admit I feel a bit anxious to ask as I don’t want to accidentally reinforce anything.


One night after dinner he was actually sobbing asking me to help him ‘make his tummy go back’ 😫😭


It’s not every day, we can go days to weeks with no comments at all and then it comes up again. Ah jeez parenting is hard sometimes.

 

Does his tummy hurt do you think? Like is he bloated or constipated? It's just that sobbing seems so extreme!


I definitely knew fat tummies were bad at that age. I was skinny, and in fact so were most kids back then - not like now - but you just knew somehow. You see the fat kid get teased, and the skinny kids don't - honestly I don't even know how we knew - we just did.

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I'm no help with the tummy thing, but my brother was very shy about his body at that age, didn't even like mum to see him getting dressed, all had to be behind closed doors etc. I have no idea why. But by 18yo he was wandering the house in just undies 🙄 so he definitely grew out of it. I'm pretty sure mum just went with it and didn't make it a big deal either way. And he was always skinny, lucky bugger lol

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@Chic n Stu yes I agree - I would love to know where it is coming from but i admit I feel a bit anxious to ask as I don’t want to accidentally reinforce anything.


One night after dinner he was actually sobbing asking me to help him ‘make his tummy go back’ 😫😭


It’s not every day, we can go days to weeks with no comments at all and then it comes up again. Ah jeez parenting is hard sometimes.

 

Does his tummy hurt do you think? Like is he bloated or constipated? It's just that sobbing seems so extreme!


I definitely knew fat tummies were bad at that age. I was skinny, and in fact so were most kids back then - not like now - but you just knew somehow. You see the fat kid get teased, and the skinny kids don't - honestly I don't even know how we knew - we just did.

 

No I don’t think so (re pain or whatever). It’s pretty clear it’s about his appearance. He sometimes asks me or his brother if he ‘looks ugly’ in what he is wearing. Or tells me that something makes him look ugly.


I agree the sobbing seems extreme. Broke my heart I tell you. It was right after a dinner where he’d also had a milkshake and he kept saying ‘make it go back, and I want my tummy to look like it did before’. He was pretty exhausted (late-ish night for a special occasion) so I’m sure his tiredness was responsible for the intensity of the reaction. But still.


Another time lately we were at the shops and he started to get upset because a very elderly man at the table near us looked over while he was eating. He kept saying ‘I don’t want him to look at me’ and I had to move his chair so he couldn’t see the man anymore. Then once the man left, DS2 was looking around to make sure no one else was looking at him.


For the most part he is a happy child. He’s a little reserved around new people but confident and happy around those he knows.


I can’t actually think of anyone who he spends a lot of time with who might be saying negative things about his body or theirs. Having said that I know that DH does sometimes talk about his recent weight gain and I can’t say for certain if that’s ever in earshot of the kids or not.


Thanks for the suggestions re what kinds of books to expose him to etc. I actually have a parent teacher meeting at his school today so will mention it to his teacher. And have a word with daycare.

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I'm no help with the tummy thing, but my brother was very shy about his body at that age, didn't even like mum to see him getting dressed, all had to be behind closed doors etc. I have no idea why. But by 18yo he was wandering the house in just undies 🙄 so he definitely grew out of it. I'm pretty sure mum just went with it and didn't make it a big deal either way. And he was always skinny, lucky bugger lol

 

Thanks this is reassuring.

I think I’d not be as concerned about the privacy thing if it wasn’t for the other stuff. That part is almost a bit cute on its own (if inconvenient at times).

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Hmm he definitely does sound pretty obsessed with how he's perceived by others - like quite paranoid. But I don't know whether that's a quirk that he'll grow out of or a problem. Maybe you should ask a psychologist about it - like would the normal responses be minimising or would they be the right way to go? By normal I mean I would probably just say "don't be silly, no one is looking at you" but I wonder if that's the right approach?

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Guest BusbyWilkes

A session with a paed psych may be good - just for you to talk through how best to manage it. With your extra info, it doesn’t seem like a more isolated incident that he might just get over.

As well as book suggestions up thread, I wonder if a science book that talks through digestion and excretion (what 4 year old boy doesn’t like poo stories!!) may help to allay his fears- without dwelling on them.

Good luck. You’re right - parenting can be so hard.

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I don’t want to sound alarmist but I would be getting some professional assistance, fast. It’s not unheard of for kids this little to develop eating disorders, particularly if they have anxious or perfectionist traits.


I would be speaking to the butterfly foundation to see if they can recommend some practitioners who specialise in children to help. EDs can get out of control very fast.

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i agree with the others who0 suggest it's time for help, but could it possibly be related to a dairy intolerance?

You mentioned he'd had a milkshake at dinner the night he'd sobbed about it, could he be bloated from the dairy, which causes the thoughts?

I'd try to keep a food diary for a few weeks to see if it corresponds with anything he eats (gluten was my other thought).


ETA my dad knew a woman when he was young, who'd drink a milkshake and look 6 months pregnant afterwards, she'd bloat so much. She was a model and stick thin (it was the 60's with Twiggy etc being popular) so it was really noticeable.

Edited by Jenflea
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Lucrezia Borgia

i agree with all the advice here - i wonder though if it’s also worth exploring a possible physiological reason for it? for instance - have you noticed that his tummy is noticeably bloated after eating? could it be a food intolerance for example? so his discomfort with his outward appearance is actually him trying to express an actual physical discomfort with feeling bloated, constipated etc...? just a thought.

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Hmmm I really don’t think it’s physiological, and his tummy is not excessively bloated after eating. But I do acknowledge that parents can miss stuff so I’ll try observing for a pattern anyway.
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i agree with the others who0 suggest it's time for help, but could it possibly be related to a dairy intolerance?

You mentioned he'd had a milkshake at dinner the night he'd sobbed about it, could he be bloated from the dairy, which causes the thoughts?

I'd try to keep a food diary for a few weeks to see if it corresponds with anything he eats (gluten was my other thought).


ETA my dad knew a woman when he was young, who'd drink a milkshake and look 6 months pregnant afterwards, she'd bloat so much. She was a model and stick thin (it was the 60's with Twiggy etc being popular) so it was really noticeable.

 

Yeah my tummy is like this after dairy. It's a different kind of feeling fat when you can't just suck in your tummy.


That thing about feeling like people are watching him at the café is pretty scary though.

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Is he finicky about anything else that you’ve noticed? My cousin’s little boy has outsized reactions to things and is very particular and very aware of others watching and always listens into adult gossip. He is also hyper aware of his appearance and gets very distressed if his clothes are not just so. He apparently has obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is not something I’d really heard of in children... seems a bit similar to your little one perhaps.

Edited to add- not suggesting this is necessarily what’s going on with your son, it just sounded a bit similar.

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Is he finicky about anything else that you’ve noticed? My cousin’s little boy has outsized reactions to things and is very particular and very aware of others watching and always listens into adult gossip. He is also hyper aware of his appearance and gets very distressed if his clothes are not just so. He apparently has obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is not something I’d really heard of in children... seems a bit similar to your little one perhaps.

Edited to add- not suggesting this is necessarily what’s going on with your son, it just sounded a bit similar.

 

Hmmm not really. I think his reactions to things are age appropriate (and WAY less intense than his older brother who has all of his big feelings, good and bad, in a big way).

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I don’t have any experience. But with the added info regarding the concern about people watching him at a cafe I would be contemplating seeking professional help with a child psych. And maybe talking to the butterfly foundation. ED can start as young as 4. It maybe that is it caused by something but it does sound very concerning and it’s distressing him a lot.

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Have they discussed healthy eating and exercise at daycare/kindy? I found that my DD reacted badly to that being discussed at school in PE.


She would have been about 7yo. She started really restricting her intake, which led to her being tired and grumpy. It's hard enough to get food into her, and a big enough variety of foods, without extra issues. Being a bit older than your DS we were able to talk to her and reason with her, and get her to go back to eating normally thankfully. She was and still is a bit overweight but she's very short so I suspect that will always be an issue for her. She's 11yo now and was setting up the WiiFit Board on our Wii, and she was pretty upset when it calculated her as being overweight. She had no idea. We've had to soothe her and reassure her that her paediatrician is happy with her weight, and that she's growing consistently along her own growth curve.


I'd be looking into seeing what information he's been getting from out of the home. It might be worth seeing a child psych for a few appointments so you can learn how best to guide him and support him in forming a healthy body image.

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^^^ oh yes the “healthy eating”. I had finally got a kid eating sandwiches. And he came home and refused to eat white bread because it was “unhealthy” but no other bread was tolerable. At 5. I blasted the teacher over it and told them that anymore session on healthy eating were not have him in the class.

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Oh yes, I suspect "healthy eating" lessons at school are going to be difficult for my DD. She gets very anxious, and already has such a restricted diet. I have already worded up school that yes, there will be cake and fairy bread in her lunchbox, but that everything has hidden protein in it, and we just need her to eat anything to keep her weight up.

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