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Daycare and toilet training


Daffy2016

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This is part vent, part wwyd.


DD is 3.5 and in daycare three days a week. We have been working on toilet training for several months and I’ve posted before she is very resistant to being asked if she needs to go to the toilet. She will always say no, and then usually wet her pants a few minutes later.


At home, we tell rather than ask her. She has to go and try when I tell her and we stop everything until she does. She argues but goes.


Daycare persists in asking, despite me telling them that she needs to be given no option but to try. I think the room leader is uncomfortable with telling rather than letting children decide for themselves. As a result, DD does at least one wee or poo in her pants every day, sometimes more.


When I mentioned to a staff member today that DD needs to be told, she acted as though this info was new and said they’d try it. So the leader hasn’t even passed on the info, it seems.


I’ll talk to her again tomorrow, but if the leader refuses to do it, can I just leave it up to them and they can keep changing wet pants?

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Phillipa Crawford

Staff, particularly in this area can't order a child to go.

In terms of consent and body autonomy you as a parent don't actually want a child who has so little sense of self.

I hear your frustrations but in this area what you do at home cannot and should not be replicated by strangers at child care.

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Seayork2002

Staff, particularly in this area can't order a child to go.

In terms of consent and body autonomy you as a parent don't actually want a child who has so little sense of self.

I hear your frustrations but in this area what you do at home cannot and should not be replicated by strangers at child care.

 

I agree with this, we let ds's day care sort his TT there they way that they worked with him & all the kids there.


Home we just let him go when wanted too

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Kiwi Bicycle

Yes the language at daycare and sessional kindergarten was always "would you like to try?" And they are allowed to say No. In fact DS at 7 still says when I ask if he needs to go to the toilet, " I'll have a try".

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Thanks [mention]Phillipa Crawford[/mention]. It would have been useful for the team leader to explain that to me, rather than to look at me like I was a monster and then change the subject.


I’ll add consent and bodily autonomy to my list of parental failures too... sigh.

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[mention]Daffy2016[/mention] - as a teacher, I use 'choice' as a powerful behaviour management tool.

At home, I have an almost 3yo who has figured out all of my buttons and takes a mile if I give an inch, so he is TOLD to go to the toilet (we are working on it- he is asked to sit on the toilet a few key times a day). If I say 'can you go to the toilet/ do you want to go to the toilet?' The answer is always no as playing is far more fun. So no choice at home. He sits and gets a reward for trying. Operant conditioning at its finest.

Home and school/ childcare aren't the same, so please don't feel bad! I imagine I'll face this soon when it's more than a couple of times a day 'try'...

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Phillipa Crawford

[mention]Daffy2016[/mention]

If these are your only fails you are doing well. :)

My toilet training I am sure has scarred DS - and he is 30.

When nothing worked I resorted to eating the chocolate bribes I had bought for him myself to 'punish' him when he did it in his pants.

I mean it worked, instantly but at what cost.

But in care it has to be all about choice.

Just worry about home, let them deal with it in care.

Let them know if you want the undies binned or returned.

What happens to her there is on them and her and not you, it isn't your responsibility.

She will get it.

Sorry if I sounded too abrupt I was on my phone

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@Daffy2016

If these are your only fails you are doing well. :)

My toilet training I am sure has scarred DS - and he is 30.

When nothing worked I resorted to eating the chocolate bribes I had bought for him myself to 'punish' him when he did it in his pants.

I mean it worked, instantly but at what cost.

 

Sorry I just had to laugh! That's brilliant. We all have our less than stellar parenting moments.

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@Daffy2016

If these are your only fails you are doing well. :)

My toilet training I am sure has scarred DS - and he is 30.

When nothing worked I resorted to eating the chocolate bribes I had bought for him myself to 'punish' him when he did it in his pants.

I mean it worked, instantly but at what cost.

But in care it has to be all about choice.

Just worry about home, let them deal with it in care.

Let them know if you want the undies binned or returned.

What happens to her there is on them and her and not you, it isn't your responsibility.

She will get it.

Sorry if I sounded too abrupt I was on my phone

 

That’s brilliant! 😂 We did offer some chocolate bribes but had to phase them out because she spent ages on the toilet trying to squeeze out a drop to get an m&m, and I was convinced she’d have no pelvic floor by her fourth birthday.


That was after we’d had to introduce a rule that we had to see something in the toilet before she got her chocolate - she was going in, waiting and then flushing, then demanding a reward.

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Phillipa Crawford

:)

Being No 1, of course we were pure, no lollies in our house.

So when the little horror at nearly 4 chose to deliberately do it in his pants rather than the loo - I now know all sorts of issues related to this - but at the time I figured if he knew he was going to go he could darn well go in the right place.

So I let him select this revolting pack of Freddos with fluorescent lollies -ick. Ceremoniously put them in a jar

"Now when you poo in the toilet you can have one...... Aren't you a lucky boy?"

The little horror was quite happy to keep going in his undies, as long as he saw that jar just waiting.

So then we had a serious discussion about how if he did it in the toilet he got a frog, undies meant one for mum.

Naturally he did it in his undies again so I said "Oh good, Mummy gets a frog" and ate one in front of him, giving him a mouthful by mouthful description of its wonderfulness.

The next night he presented us with a full potty, during a dinner party.

All done independently.

Not good parenting really especially in light of all the child led stuff, but it worked

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[mention]Phillipa Crawford[/mention] i love that he waited until the middle of a dinner party... just getting what revenge he could 😂

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