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Kids birthday party dilemma


Joeyinthesky

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Joeyinthesky

DS is turning 8, and as we couldn’t (phew) throw a party last year because, Covid; we’re doing that this year.

The guest list is causing bothers. His class from prep & yr 1 has this year been split into two composite classes w yr1s. He wants to invite 4 friends from one of those classes and two from the other (all yr 2s)

His dad & I feel maybe he should invite all the yr 2s (only 10 kids total) because a. one kid he’s not inviting invited him to his party in December and 2. We don’t like the idea of leaving kids out in such a small cohort.

His reasons for not inviting the others are that he doesn’t play with them/they’re mean or annoying to him.

I’m torn between thinking “it’s his birthday, his choice” and reluctance to exclude kids.


Can anyone who’s been through this stage weigh-in?

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So he wants to invite 6 kids of a 10 kid year 2 cohort?


Yeh I’d do as you suggest and invite all 10.


Our rule of thumb has been less than half, or all.

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Joeyinthesky

So he wants to invite 6 kids of a 10 kid year 2 cohort?


Yeh I’d do as you suggest and invite all 10.


Our rule of thumb has been less than half, or all.

 

So much more concise than my explanation 😂 yes that’s about it.

Would your answer change if two of those children not being invited have a history of giving DS ‘Chinese burns’ and other similar torments?

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So he wants to invite 6 kids of a 10 kid year 2 cohort?


Yeh I’d do as you suggest and invite all 10.


Our rule of thumb has been less than half, or all.

 

So much more concise than my explanation 😂 yes that’s about it.

Would your answer change if two of those children not being invited have a history of giving DS ‘Chinese burns’ and other similar torments?

 

I wouldn't invite them if they bully your son. I reckon 6 is close enough to half. And likely 1 or 2 won't attend so it will be about half.

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By 8 I think kids are old enough to make their own choices. 6/10 is fine, don’t invite kids who are mean to him. If it was 9 of 10 kids it would be different, but I’d still never invite someone who physically hurts my child. And dont worry, kids don’t expect reciprocal invites so you’re safe there.

Don’t over think it! Hope your son has a great party

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Julie3Girls

Depends on how the classes are run ... honestly, my girls were in a lot of composite classes, and there was really only one year where there was a clear year divide in the class (a yr2/3 class where there was only 7 yr 2 kids and 22 yr3 kids).

Usually the kids socialised/played across the different year groups, so parties often included kids from different grades too. So I’d actually see it as 6 kids out of two classes.


6 out of 10 kids isn’t too bad anyway.

And no, I would not make my child invite someone who tormented them at school,

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I think by year 2 its fine to just invite the kids who your child wants. So long as it isn't the majority of kids, or only one kid of a gender excluded. eg. if your son invites all but one boy and a few girls that could be hurtful to the one boy. Does that make sense?


PS. I also dont think its necessary to punish little kids for minor acts of poor behaviour by withholding party invitations - and I'm not saying what is or is not minor, thats a judgement call for you to make.

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Seayork2002

I invite who I want to my parties as an adult so ds had the choice to do the same, and is well aware not all kids go to all parties himself so not being invited himself is perfectly fine

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Kiwi Bicycle

Also it is the case that often you are having more expensive experience type parties at that age, 10 pin bowling, lazer tag etc. You cannot invite the entire class, so someone has to miss out. Plus kids recognise they have friends and who they like and dislike by now. I believe that by 8 years you don't have to do the invite the entire class deal, especially in composite classes. If it was excluding 1 person out a an entire class, that's not on, but 3 from this class, 5 from another, no issue.

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So he wants to invite 6 kids of a 10 kid year 2 cohort?


Yeh I’d do as you suggest and invite all 10.


Our rule of thumb has been less than half, or all.

 

So much more concise than my explanation 😂 yes that’s about it.

Would your answer change if two of those children not being invited have a history of giving DS ‘Chinese burns’ and other similar torments?

 

Not necessarily. What other 'similar torments' are we talking. Is he an active participant in some kinds of silly play that go too far? Or is he minding his own business and gets targeted? Are these issues he or you have raised with the teachers? Is it ongoing bullying?


Kids can be mean from time to time, either unintentionally because they are still learning, or because they are lashing out due to their own challenges, and I concur with [mention]LifesGood[/mention] 's PS addendum to her post upthread.


In your circumstance, if he really doesn't want to invite all of the children, then I would be telling him he needs to reduce his invite list by a couple of kids. IMHO excluding just 3 kids out of a class of 10 is not something I would be comfortable doing.

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We’ve never had a say in who, only how many.


DS is 7 and he gets to choose. If he doesn’t play with them, like them, feels uncomfortable around them, why on earth should they have to come to his party.

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I think that’s the key here [mention]JomoMum[/mention] - how many kids.


For me being mindful of who my kids invite to their parties and talking to them about how others will feel to be left out is a chance to practice inclusivity and kindness.


I wouldn’t invite 6 of 9 work colleagues to my party, leaving just 3 out. That would be awful. It’s very different to inviting just 2 or 3 of an otherwise small group.

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He wants to invite 4 friends from one of those classes and two from the other (all yr 2s)

 

I'm not seeing a huge problem with people being left out.

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Joeyinthesky

I’ve just read his invite list again - it’s 5 kids actually.

His class of yr 1/yr 2 = 12 kids total, he’s inviting 3 girls (his absolute besties) who are yr 2. Plus 2 yr2 boys from the other class of 12 (50/50 split both yr1/yr2 classes)

Plus one friend from outside school and two cousins.

I wouldn’t say the behaviour is bullying, it’s mean and he/we have mentioned it to the teacher. That child is one who he has clashed with since they were at kinder - sometimes they’re friends but often not as his play is rougher than my DS can tolerate.

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My DS had his 13th birthday party in year 7. He invited everyone in his class but one kid. I was totally on board with it. This kid is horrible (he still is, 4 years later). He systematically bullied almost an entire class of boys in primary school. If I had made DS invite him, a couple of his good friends probably wouldn't have gone.


The kid knew everyone else was invited. He knew why he wasn't. And it hasn't changed him.

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ClaudiaCosette

I've let my kids invite the friends they want to their parties. At 8, I would trust their judgement about who's a friend or not. My DS was invited to one party of a kid he wasn't really friends with (from the higher grade in a composite class, at the start of the year) and it was pretty uncomfortable for him. I had to take him home early as he was basically being ignored and had no one to play with, and he was pretty upset. I'd rather no invitation than a situation like that. Also, at that age I'd be expecting that kids are getting dropped off and left without their parents staying. I don't want to be responsible for any kids who may cause trouble.

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I think it’s pretty simple. Invite his list of friends. Don’t make him invite people he doesn’t want there. And especially no to kids who are mean! Bloody hell it’s his birthday. His choice.

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Joeyinthesky

I think that’s the key here @JomoMum - how many kids.


For me being mindful of who my kids invite to their parties and talking to them about how others will feel to be left out is a chance to practice inclusivity and kindness.


I wouldn’t invite 6 of 9 work colleagues to my party, leaving just 3 out. That would be awful. It’s very different to inviting just 2 or 3 of an otherwise small group.

 

I agree, and I’ve had that conversation with him several times. However, it also doesn’t seem fair to ride roughshod over his expressed reluctance to invite kids whom he doesn’t enjoy being around to his birthday; for adults concept of fairness.

FWIW, DS has a strongly developed sense of empathy & fairness and likes to do the ‘right thing’ - his teacher notes this at every conference.

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Joeyinthesky

Wait, you school has class sizes of 12 kids!!! That's amazing.

 

Yes it is awesome! One of the reasons we chose this school for him was the small class sizes - the other choices were 25-30 plus and he wouldn’t have coped well with the noise and chaos in prep.

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I’ve just read his invite list again - it’s 5 kids actually.

His class of yr 1/yr 2 = 12 kids total, he’s inviting 3 girls (his absolute besties) who are yr 2. Plus 2 yr2 boys from the other class of 12 (50/50 split both yr1/yr2 classes) .

 

So he's inviting 5 out of 24 - I can't see any issues there.


I also don't have a problem not giving a reciprocal invite depending on context - if someone invited my child to a "whole class" party and my child is only having a small one, I don't expect my child to return the invite.

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Jersey Caramel

I think it's fine to just invite those that he has chosen, it's not like he is only excluding one or two kids and he is getting to an age where friendships are becoming more fixed and based on common interests and personalities.


I would just make sure he knows that it is not polite/kind to talk about it excessively in front of the kids who are not invited. I always do an email invite to the parents to avoid having invitations handed out in front of kids who are not getting one.

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Joeyinthesky

I would just make sure he knows that it is not polite/kind to talk about it excessively in front of the kids who are not invited. I always do an email invite to the parents to avoid having invitations handed out in front of kids who are not getting one.

 

Yes, we’ve had that convo too and will again when he takes the invites. Unfortunately I don’t have email or fb connections for all the parents so some will have to go to school.

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