My 16DD wants to have sex with boyfriend

My DD16 has had a boyfriend for 4 months. he is a nice kid. Nice parents.

She came to me this afternoon and said that she would like to have sex with him. She said they have spoken about it. She said he isn't pressuring. I told her if she has any doubt whatsoever, she doesn't need to do anything.

We are currently away at the beach and she said they will do it when we get back home - awesome!

I have always raised my girls to feel they can talk to me about anything. I have always had a very open line of communication in regards to sex, puberty, etc so can't be too shocked she's so open about this with me about this.

My mum only threatened, so I always told myself that if I ever had daughters, I would not be like my mum.

I had sex at 16, so I'm not stupid. I'm not going to tell her no. I did what I wanted to do at that age & had sex.

I would love her not to have sex and wait but again, I'm not stupid. She will do it no matter what I say, so best I support her and help her where I can.

Her father will freak, so I'm going to keep this quiet for the time being.

We are very fortunate to have a great female doctor. I will make an appointment in the new year so they can have a private chat (GP has always offered for me to bring the girls in and she will talk to them alone about these matters). I will get her on to some contraception as a second layer of contraception. I told her that if it's not on.(condom), then it's not on! This is something I am very firm about.

No specific question here but more of a 'I need to get this out'. She is my baby - my first daughter. It only feels like yesterday that she was rolling around our living room floor as a baby.

Any tips from others would be great? Am I missing something here?

Sorry, feel I'm rambling!

TIA

I think you are handling it well. Safety, safety and safety is what is key

We have used that line with DS, and I must admit, I am probably more terrified as well, he is a boy.

Oh wow, that would be overwhelming.

Bit she has come to you. That is awesome.

GP appt and mitigating issues is great. Well done mum.

You have done brilliantly!

OK I had typed out a response and the computer ate it ! I think it's a credit to you OP that your DD can talk to you about this and tell you beforehand what she wants to do. I also applaud the fact that you are going to take her to a female GP to discuss the issues of contraception and anything else that she may want to ask before having sex.

Keep those lines of communication open and I agree with the PP who said "safety, safety, safety".

Been there, it's hard to get your head around!! My 22 year old dd was 16, the 19 year old over 18. I felt she was more emotionally ready but not much I could do really. My parents were so strict and hard on us, I didn't want to be like that as 3 out of 4 of us really rebelled behind their backs.

Not me, I was perfect

All I can say is we can't have done too bad if our kids are talking to us about it! My ,mother would have just screamed and called us whores. Yes really.

I think you are handling it well. Safety, safety and safety is what is key

We have used that line with DS, and I must admit, I am probably more terrified as well, he is a boy.

Thanks JRA for your reply. It's comforting to hear from a mum of a DS who also gives the same message to their teens.

Been there, it's hard to get your head around!! My 22 year old dd was 16, the 19 year old over 18. I felt she was more emotionally ready but not much I could do really. My parents were so strict and hard on us, I didn't want to be like that as 3 out of 4 of us really rebelled behind their backs.

Not me, I was perfect

All I can say is we can't have done too bad if our kids are talking to us about it! My ,mother would have just screamed and called us whores. Yes really.

Yep, that was my mum..she just threatened and told me not to get pregnant. I felt so lonely and that I had no one to turn to.

I had sex more in spite of my mum than I wanted to, if that makes sense.

To be honest, I feel quiet sick on the stomach thinking about it.

Thanks for everyone's replies.

You are an awesome parent, I hope my kid is as comfortable with me at that age.

I don’t have girls, but have had many talks with my 19yo since he was that age about sex and relationships. Honestly, I think the key is being able to discuss these things with your kids. My DS comes to me with questions from time to time which I am really grateful for. Hang in there, it gets awkward for a little while! Lol

Both you & your DD are handling it perfectly.

I have a 17yo son & while I'm hoping he will abstain for a while, he knows that sex is not something I would attempt to stop him doing, or be uncomfortable with him coming to me to talk about, I just want him to be as safe as he can be. I think the parents of his girlfriend are much the same. At this early stage in their relationship it so far has not been on the agenda for either of them

I hope I can handle this as well as you when the time comes!! It must be hard but you’ve done an amazing job that she’s so comfortable with you

Agree you’re dong a great job. I don’t think you’re ever ready for the idea of your kids having sex!

It sounds a bit like a good first though - been together for a while, nice kid/family, not feeling pressured, how spoken about it before hand.

I would just encourage her to think about what their expectations are, how things don’t always go to plan, and only doing things she’s comfortable with.

My first reaction to this is for my blood to run cold (I have an almost-15 DD).

My second reaction is admiration at what a great relationship the two of you have and how supported and comfortable that must make her feel about this.

My third reaction (as someone not emotionally invested) is that your DD is about to start one of life’s big journeys of discovery. I hope sex brings her lots of joy and closeness with her partners during her life. It is kind of something to be celebrated. Sex can be rubbish (and probably will be initially) but it can also be wonderful.

I remember my mum warning me off having sex as it was something that only men enjoy. When I figured out how amazing it could be with the right partner/s I was sad for her because I realised this must mean she never experienced physical pleasure from sex.

Anyway you are doing a great job as a parent and I hope my DD will be as comfortable discussing it with me when the time comes.

What they all said

Only thing I would add is to make sure your DD understands that sex is supposed to be fun, enjoyable and not hurt. For both partners. If it hurts or it’s not fun she is well within her rights to say no and stop, regardless of how much she loves him (or he loves her).

Congratulations on raising a DD that can come to you about that your my inspiration for the future in how I’d like to be with my DDs.

While I know she’ll be wanting to do it when you get home, if she’s going to be going on the pill etc please explain that these take some time to come into effect and it would be safer to wait until both layers of contraception are working. Yes the chances of getting pregnant from

an accident during the first time are probably low but the chances are still there.

What they all said

Only thing I would add is to make sure your DD understands that sex is supposed to be fun, enjoyable and not hurt. For both partners. If it hurts or it’s not fun she is well within her rights to say no and stop, regardless of how much she loves him (or he loves her).

Yep. Lots of talks in this house about respect and consent. Take heart that every parent of male children I know has had numerous discussions with their young men about respect, consent and healthy relationships.

I think you're doing brilliantly, too.

Like some PPs my initial reaction is eek, but then admiration that your DD feels comfortable enough to talk to you. I hope I will be as good (DD is 11).

On the other hand I have DSs 13/15. Neither are interested in girls but I do periods talk to them about the importance of consent and play Tea and Consent for them. DS15 at most recent playing last month rolled his eyes and told me the number of times this year it had been shown at school too. He could recite the whole thing.

What they all said

Only thing I would add is to make sure your DD understands that sex is supposed to be fun, enjoyable and not hurt. For both partners. If it hurts or it’s not fun she is well within her rights to say no and stop, regardless of how much she loves him (or he loves her).

 

Yep. Lots of talks in this house about respect and consent. Take heart that every parent of male children I know has had numerous discussions with their young men about respect, consent and healthy relationships.

That is very comforting. Thanks.

That is one of my biggest fears. My girls will be with someone who hasn't been raised this way.

Oh gosh, I'd be devastated. But well done to you that she's coming to you with that. That's just amazing.

High five you for being an awesome parent. What a wonderful relationship you have with her. She trusts you. That is just brilliant.

My brain went lalalala when I realised DD, then 16, had started having sex. I was grateful she waited till 16 and I talked to her about safe sex. I told her where the condoms were in the house. I was trying so hard to play it cool but I was freaking the fuck out.

Oh gosh, I'd be devastated. But well done to you that she's coming to you with that. That's just amazing.

Why would you be devastated? Just curious...

My older DDs are now in their 20s and we never had those conversations. I'm a bit sad now TBH.

That’s beautiful that she feels safe and comfortable coming to you.

Have you actually asked her WHY she wants to have sex with him? Will she think it will strengthen their relationship? Is she just curious? Or does she think it’s the next step in their relationship?

Four months seems still relatively new but hey, that’s just me. We’re all different.

Great communication between you and your daughter.

My daughter is 18 and said she has had sex, not really sure if she has due to some issues but hey who am I to disagree lol. She has been on the pill for a while due to terrible periods and knows to use a condom as well.

I'm scared for my son who is 21, he has never had a partner. I keep stressing to him to make sure he uses latex free condoms because you should have seen the damage latex gloves did to his hands. Lol I told him to remember the pain and the swelling the latex gloves did on his hands - you don't want it on your penis!!

Great communication between you and your daughter.

My daughter is 18 and said she has had sex, not really sure if she has due to some issues but hey who am I to disagree lol. She has been on the pill for a while due to terrible periods and knows to use a condom as well.

I'm scared for my son who is 21, he has never had a partner. I keep stressing to him to make sure he uses latex free condoms because you should have seen the damage latex gloves did to his hands. Lol I told him to remember the pain and the swelling the latex gloves did on his hands - you don't want it on your penis!!

Might be worth buying him some to have on hand...