Givingitanothergo Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 So I recently posted about my homebody/introvert heading off to his formal He went to the after party. I asked if he was drinking and he said he had a couple of cans of JD and coke. I appreciate his honesty and don’t want to ruin it. He has since been at the same house hanging out with mates and I assume the same thing is happening.I’m happy he’s out and about and he hasn’t done anything to make me distrust him. But is it ok to reconcile you know what they’re up to. Even though you know it’s wrong Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keirapep Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 I would be glad he is telling you these things & for me it would depend on whether or not there are negative changes in him. I'm not sure how I'd be in reality - luckily so far my 17 yo DS hasn't wanted to drink alcohol, doesn't like the look or smell of most of it. Having said that I have told him that I am ok with him having a drink or two providing he never hop in a car with someone who has had a drink, or when he has his license drives after having any drinksAs a teen I was a major binge drinker - something I hope I never have to deal with with DS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustBeige Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 I was more concerned by the potential for binge drinking. I read something years ago that you should introduce alcohol yourselves so you can model responsible drinking and then have open discussions around it. DD isnt a drinker and i think its because she knows she can, - not something to be secretive about.DS definitely has mates who binge drink and he has done it twice (both times he has hated the results). So we talk about it and we talk about his mates etc from a caring perspective. I think the most important thing is to be open with them but also mindful.Oh, im assuming you are talking 17/18 yr olds here.Under that age, I headed a lot of the party drinking off by citing age and supply laws Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prancer Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 How old is he and when is he 18? I figure he must be close to 18 if he has just had his formal. I think I would just work on open communication and harm minimisation (eg dangers of binge drinking, don’t drink and drive, consent). As well as pointing out it is illegal so not to be drinking in public and be mindful of asking others to buy alcohol as supplying a minor is a chargeable offence too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DogsLife Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 Am I right in thinking this was his year 10 formal?My only issue would be that from what I have seen is that it becomes a trend or expected when they gather or there is a birthday party etc. My DD17 has a group of friends who don't drink so we have had her birthday parties etc where there isn't alcohol. She has drunk on three occasions, twice being with us in a party setting and once at a party where we picked her up and we knew the parents and setting. Each of these times she has only had a couple of Cruisers. But she has other friends or acquaintances and they drink way more frequently and binge drink. Every birthday party (for 16 years olds) has had alcohol, 17 year olds binge drinking (and then posting stuff on Instragram etc where we see it). This is normal for them and happens at least once a month.So what I am trying to say is maybe just watch how much your son goes to this friends house, keep asking about his drinking and if you think it is becoming to regular or too much then tone it back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seayork2002 Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 I am only saying what I am thinking but my son is 13 and had his first sip of champagne and prosecco at Christmas, he was not particularly a fan but that may change in a few year (I am not counting the sherry in the trifle), I grew alcohol being served at meals and my grandad made his own when I was very little it was normal for me, DH had the same but not as much as me maybe.DS has been to see whisky made but he was young so not sure if he remembers but has seen wine/beer etc. made on tv so at least at the moment it is just something there like anything else.I can't say he will ever be 'banned' from it but it is not being encouraged either so he will be told at least be sensible and it is actually illegal until he is 18 and others should not be buying or supplying until they are 18 etc.I am not sure saying 'when you go to a party you are not allowed to drink' will actually make a difference really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenflea Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 I show DD the RBT shows and Ambulance type shows where you see the consequences of drinking to excess. Well, she likes those shows and you see the results of binge drinking or drink driving on there. I'm hoping she won't binge drink, neither parent drinks so she's not grown up seeing it as normal (unlike some of her friends). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlee99 Posted January 14, 2021 Share Posted January 14, 2021 Our kids (well the now adult ones) started having a few drinks at social events at around 17. I figured if that was the worst of their rebellion then I could live with that. They always knew no drink driving, or passengers of such and they could ring me at any time they or their friends needed help/felt unsafe. I only drummed down those rules - I never gave them permission to drink because, again, I thought they needed their little bit of rebellion against parental rules. They are now mid twenties and have occasional social drinks (and still don't drive) so I think it went well. (PS their dad is a heavy drinker so I am happy they haven't followed that path) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dadwasathome Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 I worry about binge drinking and also the culture of “alcohol is bad evil and wrong as you’re 17 and 364 days” vs “18, go for it”.DS17 has also had a couple of beers at social events he has attended, and an occasional small glass of wine at home. We drink alcohol with meals and socially, and have had discussions over the years about good, bad, yes and no.He’s also been nosing wine since very young, and can probably differentiate 4 or 5 different wine grapes by the smell.If you’re culturally ok with alcohol, then moderation is the big lesson. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STBG 2 Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 I am under no illusions and know that our children tried alcohol long before their 18th birthday but that does not mean I condoned it. I never bought them any alcohol ever.The fact remains is that alcohol is toxic to the developing adolescent brain. It is a shocker of a drug. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YTT1 Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 Both my kids had one drink before 18, DD the day before her birthday. DS didn't go out much at that age (actually he is 21 and rarely goes out) but the odd times he did he did drink he took our Prado and slept in the back (rural properties) then came home later in the morning. One time he rang me in the morning asking me to pick him up because he knew he would be over the limit until late in the day. He was only 10 mins away in rural setting but he was still smart enough to know he couldn't drive. He is 21 now and has a tiny nip of rum in a cola some nights.DD is 18 and I do worry about her, she has found some new friends who are lovely but they drink heavily and do drugs. So far she has been good and not drunk a huge amount but she started drinking every time she saw them. It was a novelty and seems to have worn off thank goodness. She is spending quite a bit of time at one friends house and the mum loves her because she is a good influence for the group. I trust her but she has severe mental health issues and is on a lot of meds, we've had to stop reducing a med as she is getting unstable, I hope it isn't because of the drinking and staying out late etc. We've put a stop on the all day/night gatherings and she seems to have settled somewhat.We had a no alcohol ban prior to 18 and I'm glad it's worked for our kids. The difference is that we are semi rural with no way to get around so kids couldn't sneak out or head off on their own accord and the friendship groups didn't drink or do drugs either (well apart from DD's new friendship group). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seayork2002 Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 This is OT and not the relevant to the OP but I have been racking my brain trying to remember if I drank at my friends places, I was there a lot having sleep overs I don't think we did, I am only thinking about this as DS keeps on asking us for stories of when we were kids and teenagers so it is not relevant or anything.I did have a lot of 2 min noodles at ones friends place I remember that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GenericBeverage Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 Our kids (well the now adult ones) started having a few drinks at social events at around 17. I figured if that was the worst of their rebellion then I could live with that. They always knew no drink driving, or passengers of such and they could ring me at any time they or their friends needed help/felt unsafe. I only drummed down those rules - I never gave them permission to drink because, again, I thought they needed their little bit of rebellion against parental rules. They are now mid twenties and have occasional social drinks (and still don't drive) so I think it went well. (PS their dad is a heavy drinker so I am happy they haven't followed that path) That's what it was like for us when DS (now nearly 20) was that age. Most of his friends are older, so it definitely became a thing once they all turned 18, up to a year before he did. But he was such a sensible, hardworking kid who had given me very little grief as a teen, so I wasn't going to make a big drama about the occasional drink at a party.He's a social drinker now (not every weekend) who is very strict about not drinking and driving. Having a girlfriend who will only have one drink max because she once had a nasty case of alcohol poisoning probably helps too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenflea Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 [mention]Seayork2002[/mention] I drank at a friend's house a grand total of once. Someone had come back from a gap year OS and brought back duty free tequila, the only thing we had to mix it with was Cottee's country cup lemon cordial. It was as bad as it sounds! None of us were into drinking before our 20's, and some not even then really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeritasVinumArte Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 I don’t think there is a one size fits all for this. It depends on the individual child and their friends/social circle. I was offered wine at meals while traveling around Europe at 16. It was legal where we were. Then upon returning to Australia, I would be given wine if asked, so I had no interest in binge drinking or drinking at parties to excess, but then again I never have. Even today my family know I will or won’t drink depending on my mood. I have no issues being the only person at a party not drinking. My sister on the other hand was more rebellious in nature and with more party animal type friends so did binge drink.I am hoping that my kids will follow my example of not feeling pressured to drink.My husband grew up in a pub*. He had access to alcohol, but no real interest in drinking.DH came from from a Christmas party last month and was (unusually) ill. He managed to wake up Mr 13/15 with his sickness..... triggering Mr13 Anxiety attack about vomiting (which he hates).... so probably was a good aversion therapy for the boys to see.*His father was a Publican and they lived in the residence/accomodations above the pub. He saw drinking in all it’s glory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bornagirl Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 I know and understand all of the evidence about alcohol and the brain. I also know that we actively discouraged alcohol use without completely banning it, because that doesn't work anyway.Interestingly (and this goes against the evidence) those of us who turned a bit of a blind eye to a BIT of underage drinking amongst our daughter's 'group of four' were the three who didn't binge drink. The one whose parent said 'she can have a sip of light beer on her 18th birthday) was the one who would binge drink.At 29 our daughter has had about three hangovers in her life, and they were mild. She hates what it feels like and it puts her off. Shame more don't feel like that.As for driving, I think young people are amazing, and the fact that it's o.k. now to go to a party and not have a single drink, and that be considered very o,k amongst ALL of their peers, has seen a change of attitude, I think.I didn't go to many parties - I couldn't see the point of having to shout to other people, most of whom were drinking too much. What I DO remember, is that everybody, but everybody, was drinking alcohol. My daughter had a dozen twenty somethings here for New Year's eve, and one or two were not drinking alcohol for various reasons and no one batted an eyelid, because all of them have grown up with parties with plenty not drinking at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bornagirl Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 @Seayork2002 I drank at a friend's house a grand total of once. Someone had come back from a gap year OS and brought back duty free tequila, the only thing we had to mix it with was Cottee's country cup lemon cordial. It was as bad as it sounds! None of us were into drinking before our 20's, and some not even then really. Eew. I was the same. Dad only drank beer, and with him being an alcoholic in the end, i couldn't stand the smell (still don't like it) and only ever had the occasional bacardi & coke, which I thought was a terrible thing to do to coke at the time.Was introduced to actual wine in my mid-late twenties and discovered I loved heavy reds, and still do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seayork2002 Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 Yeah as an older teenager I worked with my mum and we had mutual friends so sometimes we all we went out as one big group and sometimes hers and mine were separate I was underage for a bit but as all the oldies were there I got into clubs (RSL/Leagues type ones) with them.There was a mix of big drinkers and non drinkers and designated drivers didn't drink so whatever people wanted to do themselves was fine with the rest of us so I don't remember ever getting really drunk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kallie Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 I'm still not sure exactly where we'll sit on this. Neither dh or I drink. I refuse to, dh would probably try stuff except that it's just not in this house and he'd have to drink it all himself. His dad is an alcoholic so that probably puts him off a bit too. He definitely binged as a teen though, but said he just felt sleepy so didn't see the point. I was the only person I knew at school that never drank. And most people got wasted at the 17th/18th birthdays. Personally I'd rather the kids were like me and just didn't drink. But realistically I know that's unlikely. I guess we'll just try to educate them as much as possible and hope for the best. The fact that he's talking to you is great and gives you room to have conversations if something goes wrong or you start to get worried Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dadto2 Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 I was more concerned by the potential for binge drinking. I read something years ago that you should introduce alcohol yourselves so you can model responsible drinking and then have open discussions around it. DD isnt a drinker and i think its because she knows she can, - not something to be secretive about. Sounds logical, but I suspect it's an urban myth, The majority of the kids in my school drank to excess in year 12, regularly and everyone's parents had a different philosophy on alcohol. I had mates whose parents were alcoholics, others who were strict Muslims and forbade any alcohol, parents who introduced it early, introduced it late, never introduced it etc I think the parents have some influence, but it is limited. Ultimately I think it comes down to the individual and what they get out of alcohol. what they need or want alcohol for., how much they enjoy alcohol etc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amdirel Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 I have never given my kids alcohol because I tell them it's illegal for me to do so. Which is somewhat true; I know you're allowed to give your own children alcohol in your own home but the law is vague; something about 'reasonable supervision' or something. My approach will be different for each kid though.DS1 is super sensible and serious, a good nerdy kid. So he has always known that I have never forbade him to drink alcohol, I think that is just asking for trouble because then they have to be secretive about it and won't feel they can come to you if they need help. So I have always had discussions with him about making sensible choices, and about the risks of alcohol. I have always told him I prefer he didn't drink, but he knows he was allowed to make that choice, when he was out with his friends. So far he has proven he is sensible. I remember he asked me permission to go to his first 'house party' and he told me there would be alcohol and if he's still allowed to go. He was 17.He is 18 now anyway, so he is free to do whatever. Whereas DD and DS2 I'm more doubtful of their decision making skills if there's peer pressure involved. DD in particular has done some things recently where she has made poor decisions. So while she is still young (15) I am now on her case about where/when/what she does with her friends. I will not be allowing her to drink at this point in time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dadto2 Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 I'm still not sure exactly where we'll sit on this. Neither dh or I drink. I refuse to, dh would probably try stuff except that it's just not in this house and he'd have to drink it all himself. His dad is an alcoholic so that probably puts him off a bit too. He definitely binged as a teen though, but said he just felt sleepy so didn't see the point. I was the only person I knew at school that never drank. And most people got wasted at the 17th/18th birthdays. Personally I'd rather the kids were like me and just didn't drink. But realistically I know that's unlikely. I guess we'll just try to educate them as much as possible and hope for the best. The fact that he's talking to you is great and gives you room to have conversations if something goes wrong or you start to get worried I think the binge drinking is hugely problematic, it's a cultural thing and it really needs to change. Drugs cop all the flak because they are illegal, yet alcohol gets off scott free and is arguably much worse than a lot of drugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kallie Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 I'm still not sure exactly where we'll sit on this. Neither dh or I drink. I refuse to, dh would probably try stuff except that it's just not in this house and he'd have to drink it all himself. His dad is an alcoholic so that probably puts him off a bit too. He definitely binged as a teen though, but said he just felt sleepy so didn't see the point. I was the only person I knew at school that never drank. And most people got wasted at the 17th/18th birthdays. Personally I'd rather the kids were like me and just didn't drink. But realistically I know that's unlikely. I guess we'll just try to educate them as much as possible and hope for the best. The fact that he's talking to you is great and gives you room to have conversations if something goes wrong or you start to get worried I think the binge drinking is hugely problematic, it's a cultural thing and it really needs to change. Drugs cop all the flak because they are illegal, yet alcohol gets off scott free and is arguably much worse than a lot of drugs. I didn't like it at the time, but these days I'm pretty grateful for the time my mum got drunk (only time i've ever seen her drunk, before that hadn't even seen her drink really) and said something I still find incredibly hurtful even though she probably didn't mean it to be. That was when I decided I was not going to drink, I'm still not willing to risk saying something that might hurt someone else for a bit of social lubrication. Combined with my family's propensity towards addiction it wasn't something I was any more willing to become reliant on than cigarettes. But I seem to be in the overwhelming minority with this. *disclaimer, i know of course some people can enjoy a drink and be no worse the wear and not get drunk etc etc. That's up to every adult to decide for themselves, I'm not like 'ban all alcohol'. I just don't like it and most other people seem to be much more indifferent about it as a substance Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghost Girl Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 I think I'm in for some very interesting conversations as my DD gets older. I was a binge drinker in my late teens and early 20s. Surprised that my liver still functions really. Not something I'm in any way proud of but it was what it was. I was with a group of friends that partied hard with alcohol but never drugs (at all). I didn't make good choices with alcohol and suffered the consequences for those choices. It took my two goes to get through Uni. But I came out the other side, and barely drink now. I think I'm just going to have to have a more open and honest discussion with my DD, can't pretend my teen years were something they weren't. I'm hoping she make a better choices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dadto2 Posted January 15, 2021 Share Posted January 15, 2021 I'm still not sure exactly where we'll sit on this. Neither dh or I drink. I refuse to, dh would probably try stuff except that it's just not in this house and he'd have to drink it all himself. His dad is an alcoholic so that probably puts him off a bit too. He definitely binged as a teen though, but said he just felt sleepy so didn't see the point. I was the only person I knew at school that never drank. And most people got wasted at the 17th/18th birthdays. Personally I'd rather the kids were like me and just didn't drink. But realistically I know that's unlikely. I guess we'll just try to educate them as much as possible and hope for the best. The fact that he's talking to you is great and gives you room to have conversations if something goes wrong or you start to get worried I think the binge drinking is hugely problematic, it's a cultural thing and it really needs to change. Drugs cop all the flak because they are illegal, yet alcohol gets off scott free and is arguably much worse than a lot of drugs. I didn't like it at the time, but these days I'm pretty grateful for the time my mum got drunk (only time i've ever seen her drunk, before that hadn't even seen her drink really) and said something I still find incredibly hurtful even though she probably didn't mean it to be. That was when I decided I was not going to drink, I'm still not willing to risk saying something that might hurt someone else for a bit of social lubrication. Combined with my family's propensity towards addiction it wasn't something I was any more willing to become reliant on than cigarettes. But I seem to be in the overwhelming minority with this. *disclaimer, i know of course some people can enjoy a drink and be no worse the wear and not get drunk etc etc. That's up to every adult to decide for themselves, I'm not like 'ban all alcohol'. I just don't like it and most other people seem to be much more indifferent about it as a substance I drink, but I think it's a terrible drug and there are many addicts out there that don't even know they have a problem. It's socially acceptable to get drunk, vomit and pass out. It's a rite of passage and a goal for many. I have many friends like this, really heavy drinkers, very unhealthy, but would be the first to leave the room in disgust if someone lit up a joint. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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