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Tetchy Teenager


Cat12

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DS 16 is pretty withdrawn. He likes gaming in his room a lot. He’s pretty lazy and argumentative about doing jobs.


Tonight whilst he was actually out in the lounge with us watching some TV DH asked him to make us a cup of tea. He refused and argued and argued until Dh got cross. Eventually he stomped off and did it then went to his room. We won’t see him again tonight.


I know he shouldn’t get away with refusing to do such a simple chore but also is it really worth rocking the boat over that and resulting in him heading off to his room to withdraw further?? I wouldn’t have asked him because I knew he would refuse and then get huffy. Just doesn’t seem like a fight worth having for his withdrawal.


WDYT?


Cat

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Guest BusbyWilkes

IMO, when they are in that stage/state of mind, it’s better to have them engaged with the family, even if that means only for fun stuff. This is not how I’ve always approached it. Now, I figure they used to help out regularly; they know how to make a cup of tea/put a load of washing on/cook a meal, so it’s not like they need to be taught the skill.

I’ve also found that if you engage with kids of that age with what they’re interested in (gaming, movies, music, sport etc) then you maintain that positive connection or relationship.

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If we were all sitting down watching tv I wouldn't ask someone (regardless of who they are) to get up to make me tea! If they are in the kitchen, or offer, sure. In your son's shoes I would probably have said "make it yourself!".


Just my two cents.

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Difficult to answer. I wouldn't think to ask a teenager to do this, but then that's probably part of the problem. When I think about it, there's no reason a 16 year old shouldn't make a cup of tea for his parents when asked. It probably isn't worth having the fight over if having to do anything for anyone else makes him sulk all night, but then, why does being asked to do something make him sulk all night?

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Relationship, engagement and connection is worth way more than any cup of tea.

That said, my 16 year old will make both DH and I a tea/coffee most days of the week but also asks us for a tea/coffee/hot milo regularly (particularly when she’s getting cranky and stressed out studying and trying to get through homework and assignments and I’ll virtually always make her one if she asks) so it’s a case of give and take.

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If we were all sitting down watching tv I wouldn't ask someone (regardless of who they are) to get up to make me tea! If they are in the kitchen, or offer, sure. In your son's shoes I would probably have said "make it yourself!".


Just my two cents.

 

Growing up we said “two arms, two legs and a heartbeat” to mean make it yourself - unlikely we’d have ever said it to mum and dad though!


That said I wouldn’t ask my kids to make me a drink in this situation either - they’re not my servant. I will often ask them to put the kettle on “if there is enough water in it” and they’re in the kitchen so I can come and make it.


The other day DD (11) said “there’s not enough water” and went off to do her painting. I went and told her I admired her saying that instead of filling the kettle. She pointed out I’d said fill it if there was enough water and I said yes but probably most people would have filled it and turned it on. She said “oh” and I said good on her as she just did exactly what I said.


I genuinely would have been angrier at my DH starting the fight over it then my DS saying no.


Pelagic didn’t he sulk because there was a fight over it? Not just because he was asked?

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I genuinely would have been angrier at my DH starting the fight over it then my DS saying no.

 

This. With moody kids (if any age) it’s a matter of choosing your battles. A cup of tea is not a hill I would want to die on in this instance.

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If your son is feeling hard done by or a bit misunderstood by his parents, this dynamic probably just reinforced his view. Note I said feeling not actual!


So kid thinks I’ll give it a try watching the with everyone. Partway through I have to do something for them and I just want to relax. Why can’t they get it themselves. Then boom there’s a fight. Now he’s possibly thinking he can’t do anything right or can’t just be out there to relax and we have sulking.


I agree the fight wasn’t worth having. Acknowledging your sons feelings about it might help him understand you ‘get him’ without having to blatantly disagree with your husband. Just a ‘I know you probably just wanted to chill on the lounge and were frustrated by the request’ or similar. If he blows up you might get what he really thought out of him, or if not he might process it over a few days.

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Agree with lots of PPs on this one. If kids are in the kitchen I’d ask for the kettle to put on/cup of tea made but I also offer if I’m in the kitchen. I wouldn’t be happy if I was comfy on the couch and someone told me to make them a cuppa.


My boys have chores (putting away washing, vacuuming, washing up) and if they aren’t done when they are gaming then that is a different matter. They have to get up and do them before they can game. But I have learned to be a bit realistic about this too- the clean clothes will be dumped on their floor rather than put away and I can live with that.

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I genuinely would have been angrier at my DH starting the fight over it then my DS saying no.

 

Same. Pick you battles seems appropriate. You son was engaging with his family and your DH decided it was good time to pick a fight over a cup of tea, that he was too lazy to get to and make himself....


If your son was in the kitchen or heading that way asking him to chuck the kettle on is one thing. Expecting him to leave what he was doing to make the drinks another.


He was engaged with the family, that should have been the priority not a damn cup of tea.


But hey I don’t get tea and coffee drinkers and it used to piss me off to be asked to make them (still does somewhat especially when people complain about how it tastes) when I hate the smell let alone the taste, so maybe I am bias :lol:

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VeritasVinumArte

[mention]Jolly_F[/mention] I also never got why you would ask someone who detests tea/coffee to make you some and then complain about the taste.


OP I agree with PP that if teen was engaged with family watching TV it was an ask to get them to make Tea if they were not going to the kitchen for you. I will happily get my kids drinks if I am in the kitchen already but if we are all relaxed watching something it is get it yourself. Similarly if my child has gone to the kitchen I will ask if they can get something for me while they are there.

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I remember when I was a late teen my grandma saying to me "Make your uncle a cup of tea". It's lucky I was well raised or the pair of them would have got a spray. Starting with"make your own damn tea you useless lazy sod " as he was sitting there watching me washing up. That was decades ago. And I'm still cross about it! lol I'm a scorpio I hold a grudge. Anyway, IME best not to ask people to make you tea , best for everyone to just offer if they aremaking themselves one.

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Message received loud and clear. Pity DH won’t listen to it. He feels entitled to cup a cup of tea from one of them every night because he’s the breadwinner.

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Agree with lots of PPs on this one. If kids are in the kitchen I’d ask for the kettle to put on/cup of tea made but I also offer if I’m in the kitchen. I wouldn’t be happy if I was comfy on the couch and someone told me to make them a cuppa.


My boys have chores (putting away washing, vacuuming, washing up) and if they aren’t done when they are gaming then that is a different matter. They have to get up and do them before they can game. But I have learned to be a bit realistic about this too- the clean clothes will be dumped on their floor rather than put away and I can live with that.

 

I have to admit I would feel this if my son was getting himself a drink we would ask for one and would be grumpy if he refused, but child or adult I would not ask someone to get up and make me one


DS13 has certain jobs to do when he is asked but this is because we are all doing them usually, or he is asked 'you left rubbish on the floor please pick it up" so if it is related to him he will be asked to do it, but I would expect this of myself and DH so would expect this of DS

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It would never occur to me to ask someone else to make a cup of tea, unless you count ordering one at a cafe.


Agree with the others, different if he was in the kitchen “could you please pop the kettle on?” And then I’d get up and make my own tea.

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My two are younger and in the past I have asked them to fetch or make something for me on the off chance that they do it, but I've never been cross with them if they decline to do it just because I'm being a lazy ass.


It's just a bonus when they do do it!!

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I ask my son to make me a tea occasionally, especially if I've had a tiring day and I've just returned home. I see it as training him to one day become attentive to his partner.


I make DS's dinner most nights. I see it as helping each other out.


If it was a control battle however then perhaps avoid.

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In my house the breadwinner is the one who makes the tea every single night(unless he forgets and it's too late for me to drink tea).

I'll ask 10 yr old DD to turn the coffee machine on, but I don't expect her to make me coffee (plus I'm super fussy about it lol).

Just because he's the breadwinner it does NOT mean the rest of you are his slaves!

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I am fully willing to admit I am lazy and if I can get out of doing something I will gladly but there is helping out because that is what people do and there is being waited on, If I was really ill I would ask very nicely' could you please make me a cup of tea' or whatever. if I am walking past the fridge/kettle I will shout out 'anyone want a drink' and hope they say no (kidding, possibly)


But I am quite capable of making my own drink

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As a 16 year old, If my dad made me make him a cup of tea every night, I’d probably hide in my room every evening too.

Doing a chore that helps everyone, like the dishes or laundry is one thing, doing something that just benefits my dad? I’d get annoyed with that unless my dad did something in return, and I knew that was linked to the tea making. (E.g, if we had an agreement dad makes my lunch in the morning in return I make him a cup of tea) and only if that was a casual friendly agreement between us, not something that would get me in trouble. I would occasionally make my parents tea, if they asked and I was feeling generous, but every night makes it an unwanted chore.


Weird request, and an over reaction, in my opinion.

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"I make the money and you make the tea" only makes sense as an argument if those roles could be switched. Your DH is the breadwinner regardless of whether his son is tetchy and lazy, or endlessly thanking and serving him. DH needs to stop feeling sorry for himself. Adults work. It's what we do.

I can imagine going "hey son I'm knackered, had such a big day, could you make me a cup of tea? Thanks heaps". I cannot imagine just demanding one though.

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Message received loud and clear. Pity DH won’t listen to it. He feels entitled to cup a cup of tea from one of them every night because he’s the breadwinner.

 

Might be your DH that is the problem, not your son!

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I ask my son to make me a tea occasionally, especially if I've had a tiring day and I've just returned home. I see it as training him to one day become attentive to his partner.


I make DS's dinner most nights. I see it as helping each other out.


If it was a control battle however then perhaps avoid.

 

Agree here - my kids do make me a cuppa occasionally and we tend to all pull together to make dinner, lunches etc. My poor kids often hear “were a team” so they are learning that supportive role but I’d never demand a cuppa and start a fight over it.

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There are so many thoughts going around in my head. I hope it's ok if I blurt them out. Maybe something here clicks? Maybe not.

Your husband reminded me a bit of my dad. He had this weird idea that until a person was economically independent, they didn't measure up to being an adult and needed to conform to the expectations of the money earners. My dad was not of the culture or generation that would be approachable regarding examining and maybe changing his viewpoint. But i bet your husband is.

Is your husband feeling like he's working all hours for unappreciative kids or do you think he has maybe taken on beliefs from his upbringing ( I am hard worker outside home, everyone else should therefor show appreciation by doing things for me inside the home)? Or is he overworked/ stressed/ something else? If he reflects on why the tea is important to him, as opposed to another way of acknowledging his role in the family and explains that to your son, might that help?

Can you explain to your husband the things your son does to contribute to the family and see if he feels like this equals his expectations for tea?


as an aside: Being a teen right now is extra, extra hard, I know there have been times when my stresses have led me to not do my best with our teens this year, even though my mantra is : mental health first, all else can wait till this epidemic is over.


I just though of another two. I rarely ask for something. If I do, and that person refuses, I get so upset. I feel as if they have denied me the world as i only ask if it is meaningful for me. And, there are times when I am exhausted and have done lots of things for other people and then I feel like they do nothing for me in return. But I wouldn;t be able to articulate it in the moment.

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