Year 7 high school friendships

My DD struggled a bit with friends in primary school (the couple of girls she befriended in the early years moved schools, and then she struggled to break into already-established groups by mid-primary). Year 5 and 6 were better, as she founds some girls she got on well with and had fun, but didn't really develop to the point of hanging out on weekends etc. School was co-ed until Year 4, and then all the boys left for private school, so she'd been in an all girls year level for a few years.

For a variety of reasons (including social), we decided to send her to a big public high school in our local area, where she doesn't know anyone and can have a fresh start. She's in the academic excellence stream, so with the same group of kids most days. She started hanging out with a couple of girls she got on okay with from orientation, who she liked, but didn't necessarily have shared interests. DD is a bit quirky, very much the 'drama kid', and passionate about theatre, drawing, music etc, and very outgoing. She's seemed to have already drifted away from the girls, and hanging out with a group of boys from her class. Which in theory is fine, but I'm a bit worried that she's written off the girls too quickly as they don't like exactly the same things as her, which seemed to be a problem in primary. She always looks wistfully at groups of teen girls hanging out having coffee and shopping, etc. and really wants that kind of friendship, which I'm not sure would happen with the boys. If it were a mixed group I wouldn't be concerned, but she's the only girl.

I only went to a girls only school so I'm not entirely sure of the norm in public schools. I know one of her issues with the girls she was hanging out with was there was much fixation on who has a crush on who at school, and DD is totally uninterested in this stuff (yet), and only looks at the boys as potential friends. She's already getting snarky comments from older kids about 'which one's your boyfriend' when she's hanging with the boys, which she hates, and I can't imagine the boys appreciate. For context, shes very attractive, and despite being a bit of a nerd personality-wise, is very cool/fashionable looking. I also worry that if the girls are talking constantly about the boys, it won't look very favourable that she's seemingly seemed to have dropped the girl friendships to hang out with the boys.

She seems happy, which is what is important, but not sure how to encourage her to be open to hanging out with others, despite having some different interests. I guess my question is, how did your kids friendships evovle in their first year of high school? None of the extra-curricular programs relating to her interests have started up yet, (she wants to join choir and drama, and was nominated for student council), so I'm kind of hoping she might find some girls with more similar interests there.

My son (now Y8) has one main BFF in high school but has made a few other friends, we have asked him to join one school club but he is yet to decide which, but he says he is perfectly happy with the friends he has and doesn't want any more.

His main talk with his friends is gaming and he talks to them, loudly!, at home through his ipad and PS4.

Growing up I had a mix of male and female friends DS had had some female friends over the years but more siblings of friends I think.

I can only go with what DS says and seems as he just wants to be left alone to have the friends he has.

One of his friends turned up at scouts this year but neither had any idea the other was doing it so not sure communicating is their strong point

I think that it is very early days of her high school journey and things to tend to change and groups form and break up and new friends are found. Maybe as you said once activities start up she can find some like minded female friends to hang out with or join the group she is currently hanging out with. I also think that crushes etc are normal in Year 7 but not often taken further than a crush or asking each other out and then they are just hanging out more than serious girlfriend/boyfriend situations.

Start of yr 7 friendships can be temporary.

All three of my girls have had/are having a very different friendship experience in high school. It all three of them, friendships that seemed to be forming at the start of yr7 changed a lot.

Dd1 just didn’t fit, and unfortunately that continued for the whole of high school. She did get in with a group of girls but pretty casual friendships, and that was kind of yr8 onwards. The friendships at the start of yr7 fizzled quickly.

Dd2 probably settled in the easiest with friends, but it was really yr8 where friendships really got solid. Then a bit of a shift in yr10. They lost of a couple of friends from the group, when a couple chose to go in a different direction (wanting to hang out with the popular kids) Now in yr12, she tends to have a small, fairly close group of friends (including one boy who used to get a bit of flak for hanging out with the girls).

Dd3 currently in yr9. Definitely a lot of shifting around, getting to know stuff in yr7. Going into yr8 she seemed to have more friends. She seems to have more of an ability to blend into a couple of different friendship groups. Part of me worries about lack of that really close friend, but she seems happy. I expect things to continue to change over the next couple of years.

Basically, yr7 you start off with the people in your class, and particularly with an extension class, that gives you some good starting points. Once the extracurriculars start up, that can connect them with kids with common interests, and really, while being friends with different people is great, having a common interest is really great. Then into yr8 and the first elective subjects, brings in more people with common interests.

So no, I wouldn’t stress over start of yr7 friends. Expect it to change and evolve, possibly even right through high school, Encourage her to stay open with the other girls in the class ... friendships don’t have to be about being BFFs, it is great to be friendly enough to be able to have a chat during/between classes.

And give it a bit of time.

Just echoing what the others have said. DD got some great advice from a close family friend who was leaving high school as DD was starting. She said just be friendly and grab some friends early on because it will help your confidence to know who to sit with etc. These people don’t have to be your perfect friends and chances are they won’t be.

DD didn’t know a soul at her high school but she took the advice and it worked well. She made some friends who knew lots of people, met more people through them and worked out who she got along with. She’s now in year 9 and has been in a pretty solid friendship group since early year 8. Some of the girls she met in yr 7 are in that group, but many aren’t. She had a best friend for a year or so but they’ve drifted apart now. She seems happier being in a group and there is far less drama. She has dance friends, sport friends, singing/drama friends, school friends, old friends from past schools. So she’s not trying to fill all her needs with one person.

I can’t advise on the boy situation as DD goes to an all girls school. Nobody she knows has a boyfriend and there is very little talk about boys that I can ascertain. There are a few girl crushes but nothing serious yet. My niece is the same age and at a coed school and all the talk is boys and couples and friends fighting over boys.

I had times growing up (and being an adult) where my closet friends were males, other times females, but I won't encourage DS to have any particular friends of a specific sex it should be who he is comfortable with same as for me

If she seems happy I wouldn't worry. They're only two weeks in. My DD is in year 7 also and it seems to change on a daily basis at the moment. She'll find her people in due time

My friendships were a bit hit and miss in high school. I had the two main friends from primary school but we weren't in classes. Drifted a bit, made friends and joined a group in year 8 or 9 where almost all of my friends were boys. Was actually quite nice 22 years later we're still friends.

Thank you for the responses. It's a topic I tend to really overthink, as I had a really rough time of it in high school (different context - very small girls school) , and I feel it's something that still effects me 25 years later.

I was saying to someone the other day that it’s really hard not to let our own experiences of high school influence how we react with our children being there.

As others have said the friendships in yr 7, and it only being a couple of weeks in so far, are fairly fluid and changing. I really would worry.

DS only hung out with boys during the last couple of years of primary and into high school.

DD thinks that the boys at school are "stupid" (mainly because they play up in class and act like dicks), but she's made a good friendship group with netball girls at school.

Does your DD do any extra curricular activities outside of school? DD's closest friend is a girl from her netball team.

She gets on very well with the other teens in her drama group. Most of her other extracurricular activities are solo pursuits, such as singing and guitar. She also does TKD, but it's only a small group with not a lot of time for socialising.

I agree with PPs that in the first 6 months or so at high school, there is a lot of movement between friendship groups.

But, it’s something that has been concerning you over a period of time, and you know her best.

Are the drama group friends people she sees at other times too? Or just people she gets along with during the group?

It may legitimately be that she prefers the boys at school to the girls. Or from some things you’ve mentioned, it may be that she finds the nuances of communication with girls difficult. So, if she has all the verbal and non verbal skills to establish and maintain friendships with anyone and chooses the boys, that’s her choice. But if she’s “choosing” the boys because they are easy and concrete in their communication, and doesn’t know how to interact on a more ongoing friendship level with the girls, this is worth considering/addressing.

Thank you for the responses. It's a topic I tend to really overthink, as I had a really rough time of it in high school (different context - very small girls school) , and I feel it's something that still effects me 25 years later.

Highschool stuff really messes with your head doesn’t it! I went to a large co-Ed public highschool and my boys do too- I think it is so much easier to find your ‘tribe’ in a bigger school. There will still be friendship issues but much more likely to find kids who like similar things. Like others have said friendships do evolve, especially in that first year of school. I think highschool (particularly those first couple of years) is a time when kids learn to navigate so many friendship dynamics, great skills for life.