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Be understanding or lose my shit?


HypnicJerk

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I would think that while yes, I do tell my 11 yr old DD that it's her body and her choice who touches it AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE her parents have final say in medical matters because we're the adults who have the care of her.

We know that whatever issue she has needs to be looked at, and while she might hate it, it has to be at least checked out. I would do my best to give her all the facts and information of what might happen at the appointment, but in the end, I have the final say, at least until she's about 16 or so.

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Look, I would want my child checked out too. But I do think we send mixed messages which is why I would try and cut her some slack.


I am sure if her football coach told her he needed to further examine her hamstring injury and massage it and because he is the coach and has consent from her parents and she must comply, people would take issue with this. And if the parent happened to be into female circumcision we would say it is not up to the parent. Are we saying a 14yo does not get a say in abortion or birth control? I just think the girl was left in a tricky spot and possibly terrified not knowing what would happen or totally embarrassed and felt like she had no options left other than to run, and does not need to be punished for that or given messages that her views around her body are not important.

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Kiwi Bicycle

So did the physio basically do a pelvic exam? Sorry if they did ( like when I went to a pelvic floor physio), at that age. I wouldn't of pushed it. Just got her some incontinence pads, liners or period underwear to wear and left it until she is older.

 

Are you being serious?


You don’t ignore bladder issues in a 12yo, it’s not normal for a child of that age to be experiencing such issues. Things like this don’t just better on their own and the long term issues that it could come from it aren’t nice!

 

Sorry OP but I have to address this.

Have you had a child with urinary incontinence? I have. Yes DS was 4 years when diagnosed with over-active bladder and had to take meds. It was a total disaster. He atopped eating anything I gave him in case it had medicine it. So I waited for a year and he was older and we were in a batter place.

Kids live with incontinence issues all the time. Google kids incontinence products and you will find lots. Incontinence isn't like diabetes and can be left.

I was asking about the pelvic floor physio. I have seen one and having fingers in me while practising squeeze and release is not fun for an adult, let alone a teen. In this case it wasn't that as explained later by the OP. But maybe that's her daughter's fear? Maybe there wasn't enought information about what was going to happen?

Sorry OP to hijack.

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Karma Sutra

So did the physio basically do a pelvic exam? Sorry if they did ( like when I went to a pelvic floor physio), at that age. I wouldn't of pushed it. Just got her some incontinence pads, liners or period underwear to wear and left it until she is older.

 

Are you being serious?


You don’t ignore bladder issues in a 12yo, it’s not normal for a child of that age to be experiencing such issues. Things like this don’t just better on their own and the long term issues that it could come from it aren’t nice!

 

Sorry OP but I have to address this.

Have you had a child with urinary incontinence? I have. Yes DS was 4 years when diagnosed with over-active bladder and had to take meds. It was a total disaster. He atopped eating anything I gave him in case it had medicine it. So I waited for a year and he was older and we were in a batter place.

Kids live with incontinence issues all the time. Google kids incontinence products and you will find lots. Incontinence isn't like diabetes and can be left.

I was asking about the pelvic floor physio. I have seen one and having fingers in me while practising squeeze and release is not fun for an adult, let alone a teen. In this case it wasn't that as explained later by the OP. But maybe that's her daughter's fear? Maybe there wasn't enought information about what was going to happen?

Sorry OP to hijack.

 

I had this happen to me at 10-11 and continued and I dealt with it accordingly. Eventually it did go away by itself but before I get a period I tend to suffer on the odd occasion bladder leakage.


Mum never thought to take me to the doctor and it would have been hell to the no anyway as she favours male doctors.


It’s not medical negligence or even remotely bordering on it. It was a phase I went through. If it’s ongoing then consult medical advice but even I having had four kids I wouldn’t blame her for running either. I would have done the same.


With those sort of appointments I tend to make it about the child themselves and make sure that the time surrounding it is clear and treat it like a mother daughter girls stuff sort of thing with a treat at a local cafe afterwards as a reward.


Although I commend you for holding your shit together in a situation I would have lost it and just taken her to school and thought stuff it. But I tend to plan ahead to avoid this from happening.


It’s scary enough for me having anything done to my pelvic region but imagine how a 12 yo going through puberty etc would feel?

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A letter to elise

If that behaviour was really out of character, then a calm chat about what happened is as far as I would take it. She sounds like she was absolutely terrified and panicking. I’d make it clear that the behaviour was unacceptable, but I wouldn’t punish her. She’s probably very embarrassed about it now. I’m glad the appointment went ok in the end.

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ClaudiaCosette

I remember having hospital appointments when I was around that age (for a couple of different issues). I had grown up as an outpatient of the children's hospital, but around age 12 was when I started becoming aware that this was something other kids didn't have to do and I became resentful about it. I don't remember my parents actually explaining to me what was going on and why I had to go to these appointments. I'm pretty sure I may have reacted in a similar way to your DD on a few occasions, because I was scared and confused and didn't understand why I had to go.


So if the same was happening with one of my kids, I would probably be more understanding of why they've reacted that way. 12 is a kind of turning point age, and to have something like incontinence happen to you then would be pretty frightening, I imagine. I'd go easy on her, but still explain as much as possible why it's important to get it checked out and treated if necessary.

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lazycritter

I wouldn't punish for that. Your daughter was clearly terrified. Obviously, she needs to know that biting isn't ok but I would let this slide as I'm sure she knows that.


I've got three kids on the spectrum and the eldest has had a couple of incontinence sessions when he was under 10. But my daughter, who is now 13, boy this kind of appointment would have her shut down. She'd need coaching on what was going to happen before hand to prepare her. I wouldn't even bother trying to get her to school that day either. She's in a space where everything is super embarrassing and it's been going on for over a year

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Julie3Girls

I think it is possible to address the issue without “going off” at her, or punishing her. Being very up front about the impact of what she did is part of that. That sort of reaction is so very focused internally on herself (and very understandable), that even now, she probably wouldn’t be really registering the real impact,

The next part is letting her know you understand why, and talking about what other options she had instead, what would have been a better course of action.

Just ignoring what she did and letting it go doesn’t help her next time her emotions overwhelm her. It’s not about punishment, it’s about helping her long term.


One of things I would discuss is how very important it is to talk. Rather than just going into full denial mode. That mum is there to help, but it’s hard to help when you don’t know what’s going on in her head,

You have the added bonus at the moment that the appointment ended well.


As for not addressing the issue ,.. I get what people are saying about her body, her choice. But I would want incontinence in a 12 yr old looked at, not just wait and hope it goes away. It’s an issue that could have a major impact socially, and on her self confidence. Kids at school can be cruel, and all it takes is one accident that is visible, or even just being a bit smelly and it could cause all sorts of problems socially. Might sound shallow to be worried about it, but I’ve seen too many times the immense emotional damage that can be done by kids in high school,

And I’d also be worried about something medical underlying, as it’s not a normal thing. Not sure if this something that has started recently? If it was I’d be even more worried.


I would also trust that health professionals would be appropriate with their choice of treatment of a 12 yr old, and that it would be approached differently to an adult, so nothing internal I guess. And I probably would have asked what the appointment would involve.


At 12, she’s old enough to discuss it, to be told what is going to happen, to tell her if she is feeling uncomfortable she is allowed to say stop, and that mum would be with her. She is also old enough to understand that it is important to look into it.


But it all comes down to discussion, and trying to force a 12 year to discuss anything is incredibly hard. Hands over ears, la la lah, don’t want to hear this, walking away now .... been there, done that. You just have to keep trying. And know your own child - how much information is going to help, and what will just cause more stress, that sort of thing.


Really hope that now the first appt went well, and not as horrifyingly scary as she thought. that maybe it will get easier from here. Fingers crossed you start getting answers and solutions.

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Look, it is easy to have an opinion when you are not in the situation! In the heat of the moment I would be furious. But as I am not emotionally connected, it is easier to see the other side.


I would cut her some slack. She clearly told you she did not want to go and felt forced to go. I can of course see where you are coming from wanting to give her medical attention. But it is also her body. We often push the message ‘your body, your choice’ but then don’t listen to children. I know I still have some post birth issues I probably should see a doctor about but haven’t. I imagine I am not alone and it is my choice when I do something about it.


Think if it was anyone else wanting to do something with her body that she did not like. You would want her to run away, kick and bite. I think it warrants a conversation, but she acted the way she did as a form of self protection and it sounds like it was out of character. She did try and tell you she did not want to go but that did not change things.

 

The OP also has a right to bodily autonomy and to not be bitten and kicked.

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Am I the only one thinking that was such an extreme reaction, and wondering if there could possibly be a more sinister reason? I mean I don't mean to scaremonger, but tbh I'd be at the very least keeping this at the back of my mind and keeping my eyes peeled for any other behaviours that may be warning signs...

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Lukes mummi

So did the physio basically do a pelvic exam? Sorry if they did ( like when I went to a pelvic floor physio), at that age. I wouldn't of pushed it. Just got her some incontinence pads, liners or period underwear to wear and left it until she is older.

 

Sorry but I am a physiotherapist, and that’s dreadful advice. If the problem is muscle weakness or control it will just get worse and she risks lifelong weakness as well as skincare issues in a very delicate area.

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