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I wish I had known parenting tips for young adults?


Iamferalz

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Hi all,


DD is turning 18 soon and has just finished school. She has a uni place for next year, one of her offers is unconditional, so that is a relief. She has a job and would like to get a car.


It is a bit of a transition though - she is starting to say things like “why do you need to know where I am going and when I will be back?” and every time we fight she threatens to move out.


So are there any “I wish I had...” tips? This is a new stage for me! It can be about anything, e.g shared chores, moving out, rent etc.

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Hi all,


DD is turning 18 soon and has just finished school. She has a uni place for next year, one of her offers is unconditional, so that is a relief. She has a job and would like to get a car.


It is a bit of a transition though - she is starting to say things like “why do you need to know where I am going and when I will be back?” and every time we fight she threatens to move out.


So are there any “I wish I had...” tips? This is a new stage for me! It can be about anything, e.g shared chores, moving out, rent etc.

 

We are at the same point as you, although no unconditional offer.


Our line is "respect". If I am going out I let DH know where I am going and when I will be back, it is just what respectful family members do. Will that line work, not sure.

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It is a bit of a transition though - she is starting to say things like “why do you need to know where I am going and when I will be back?” and every time we fight she threatens to move out.

 

 

I'm not there yet, but when I was 18 and not living at home but with flatmates we would let each other know roughly where we were and when we'd be home - it's respect and safety. It's ok if plans change, but someone needs to know when to start worrying and ring the police!

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Thanks, good examples that I will keep ready for next time. We will get there eventually I think. She has a good heart, just a bit drunk with the impending emancipation ha ha!

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Hi all,


DD is turning 18 soon and has just finished school. She has a uni place for next year, one of her offers is unconditional, so that is a relief. She has a job and would like to get a car.


It is a bit of a transition though - she is starting to say things like “why do you need to know where I am going and when I will be back?” and every time we fight she threatens to move out.


So are there any “I wish I had...” tips? This is a new stage for me! It can be about anything, e.g shared chores, moving out, rent etc.

 

Our rules were that if you live at home you need to tell us whether you are coming home and an approximate time. They did not have to come home but it they chose to stay out we also wanted to be told so we didn't lie looking at the ceiling wondering if they were in a ditch.

Their father and I always told each other when we'd be home, it is just good manners.

We were quite relaxed, but we did expect them to contribute in some way when living at home. They did not pay board or the like but they were expected to do dishes, keep their rooms 'fairly' clean. Change their linen when I left it at their door.

If any threatened to leave home we just reminded them we were not stopping them from doing so but they'd need to start saving their money.

Good luck, it is a trying time but it does improve.

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I am not a parent of an adult child yet but I have been living out of home for over 20 years and I still text my mum if we go away that we get their safely and when we get home.


As a older teen my self my mum just wanted basic manners so if I was staying with a friend, would not make dinner, running late I just had to let her know, she was fine if I did that


I expect the same from ds now and when he is older

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Yep, as a 41yo who is kinda living at home, basic respect is required.


I have gone back and forth at various ages. And the rule was always, are you home for dinner tonight, are you coming home tonight. Texting really helped top be able to text some story as to why I wasn't coming home! LOL


To be honest the 'where are you going' is probably a moot point. Cause lying is easy. And yes I still don't tell me parents exactly where I am going all the time!


But yes when you are expected home is a must no matter the age.

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Hi all,


DD is turning 18 soon and has just finished school. She has a uni place for next year, one of her offers is unconditional, so that is a relief. She has a job and would like to get a car.


It is a bit of a transition though - she is starting to say things like “why do you need to know where I am going and when I will be back?” and every time we fight she threatens to move out.


So are there any “I wish I had...” tips? This is a new stage for me! It can be about anything, e.g shared chores, moving out, rent etc.

 

We went more with a light-hearted "When should I worry?". We didn't expect DD to tell us where she was going (wouldn't have believed her mostly anyway), but we wanted to know roughly when she'd be back (we generally would have liked to know where she was, but if she wasn't going to tell us, we couldn't force her to).


We also went with a lot of "Do not get in a car with an unsafe driver. Call us. Anytime. We will come and get you, and anyone else that needs a lift". (We started that long before 18 though). DD did use this a couple of times, and she has since said she was very grateful to know we would rescue her. We made the same offer to a niece as her parents are in a different country and we wanted her to have a safety net too.

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I used the 'chatting' option a lot. Ie, talked about what I was doing , then asked what they were up to. Talked about their friends and asked how they were , showed a bit of an interest in their life and tried really hard to nod and not let my eyes cross when they launched into their next episode of D&D.

I also went with basic respect and caring with letting me know when they will be home or not.

With my two, I also turned it around and would let them know if I was going to be home or late, so I would remind them of that too.

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mumsytobigones

I wish I had some of these problems, mine either bombard me with excessive information I don’t need or I’m driving them around and picking up so I know exactly where they are. All but the youngest who is a teen have licenses but they seem to like me driving them. When I say just take the car for goodness sake I tend to get the line ‘you might need it in an emergency’. My DH (their dad) also has a car so ???. When I point this out I get ‘he might go out’. Not likely. To be fair I think it’s because none of mine are drinkers so they automatically get targeted at the end of many things by people wanting lifts whereas if I pick up they don’t have that problem ‘I would, but mum is coming to get me, don’t think she wants to detour all over the neighbourhood, sorry’.


I have even considered buying a nice new shiny car so there will always be one absolutely free - checkmate.


I think I may face problems with my last one that I have not encountered with the others as they are happy to sleep away from home etc whereas the others not so much and nothing seems to have changed.


Must admit, I do get one of them to drop and pick up if I am going out for the night though. Figure I deserve it with all the running around I do for them. They hate it and say things like ‘don’t make it late’ etc. If it goes past 10pm they start ringing me, and I ignore them. When they pick up it’s sometimes like a scene from that ad where the oldies are drunk in toga’s and the young adult who comes to pick them up shakes their head. It’s not often though so I don’t feel bad.

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VeritasVinumArte

Not quite there yet (eldest is 15) but DH and I model behaviours like PP have mentioned - about it being about Respect and Safety. We drive 900kms to visit my family. The kids hear me phone my folks and give them updates on our estimate arrival time. When we stay for the week, they hear us organise and coordinate our outings with the rest if the household. So being mid 40s I don’t NEED my Mother’s permission, but it is respectful to let her know our plans - Eg whether we will be out for dinner or not.


So hopefully this modeling will help when my kids get to that age - fingers crossed. I also believe personality comes into play. I was respectful when living at home, but my sister was rebellious. I can see my eldest 2 being more like me, but my youngest is very much like her aunt (my sister), so I am not hopeful.

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We went more with a light-hearted "When should I worry?". We didn't expect DD to tell us where she was going (wouldn't have believed her mostly anyway), but we wanted to know roughly when she'd be back (we generally would have liked to know where she was, but if she wasn't going to tell us, we couldn't force her to).


We also went with a lot of "Do not get in a car with an unsafe driver. Call us. Anytime. We will come and get you, and anyone else that needs a lift". (We started that long before 18 though). DD did use this a couple of times, and she has since said she was very grateful to know we would rescue her. We made the same offer to a niece as her parents are in a different country and we wanted her to have a safety net too.

 

My kids are not even teens yet but I am already laying this ground work as it is how my sisters and I were raised. I talk about my teens and early 20s living at home - how my younger sister and I had our nights responsible for cooking, our cleaning and washing responsibilities etc. They already know that they will always be welcome to live at home with me (as we were with my parents) but once they are adults with jobs it will be like sharing with housemates insofar as I will not be cooking and cleaning for them.


To me that housemate thing includes letting people know when you'll be back if you go out - that's what I did with my parents, my housemates and my now XH. Like a PP if I am going to visit my sisters or dad we let them know when we leave and also if we get delayed so they don't worry - the kids often make the phone call so that they are already seeing that courtesy in action. They also see me call or text my family when we arrive back home from a visit.


My mum and dad would also pick us up to ensure our safety. They never wanted us to get in a car with an unsafe driver.

 

Must admit, I do get one of them to drop and pick up if I am going out for the night though. Figure I deserve it with all the running around I do for them. They hate it and say things like ‘don’t make it late’ etc. If it goes past 10pm they start ringing me, and I ignore them. When they pick up it’s sometimes like a scene from that ad where the oldies are drunk in toga’s and the young adult who comes to pick them up shakes their head. It’s not often though so I don’t feel bad.

 

We three girls were often on mum duty once we had licences! When she retired from one job she had a dinner with workmates so we dropped her there and picked her up later. The three of us girls went to collect her so that we could see her colleagues (who we'd grown up knowing) and have a drink with them.


She was very "merry" and after we dropped her friends home (she offered them a lift) she vomited on the dashboard as we weren't fast enough to get the car pulled over and the door open! (She wasn't a big drinker so it hit her once she was out of her party). We cstopped at a servo at almost midnight to clean the car up as best we could so dad wouldn't know and then we left the windows open in the garage.

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I can only say what has worked for me. I’ve always treated my ‘kids’ the way I would have liked to have been treated. At 18, they are adults. For our eldest, who started school early, we even factored the year in, so at 17, we considered her to be 18 like all her friends. When she got her P license, DH gave her the keys to her car and said she was free to come & go as she pleased as long as she didn’t disturb the rest of the household. She usually texted me about her plans anyway as we have a good relationship.


She has been working hard both at Uni and as a tutor and saves conscientiously. She moved out with her boyfriend (a graduate engineer) earlier this year, the week after she turned 21. She doesn’t get any support from us at all (I offer but she likes the fact that they are independent). My Dad passed away last week after a hard battle with cancer. She & I spent twelve hours every day by his bedside for a fortnight, keeping him comfortable. It was heartbreaking but she was my pillar of support and bravely helped to nurse him. She also did her exams yesterday and thinks she got through with flying colours. She is an absolute gem. I will take a little bit of the credit for allowing her to grow.

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FeralRebelwClaws

DSD has recently turned 18 and we gave her a car for her birthday. DH and DS and I went away last week for a wedding and she stayed at home with my Mum. She still texted us if she was doing anything out of her usual routine. She knows she doesn't have to give a heap of details, but things like "Just going to XYZ shopping centre on the way home". I pointed out to her a little while ago that if she goes missing and they ask us where she was and we say NFI it makes us look bad hehehe ;) But she's really good at just texting to let us know. She even was texting me doing "getting on bus #x." "Just got lunch now getting on bus #y" but I told her she didn't need to give me THAT much detail hehehe I think sometimes she would do it if she was feeling like there was someone dodgy on the bus. It made her feel better that I knew exactly where she was.

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Spidey_Senses

My oldest is only 10 but I guess I would be wanting to impress that Im not approving or disapproving any of her activities, its just about safety, I want to know when she is coming home so I know she hasnt been hit by a car, not because I judge how late she is going out. And that the same rules apply to all adult members of the house, eg if DH or I go out we tell the other where we are going and when we will be home.

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Once I turned 18 I didn't have to tell them where I was going, who I was seeing and what time I'd be home anymore. We never really discussed it, I just remember telling my Dad where I was going and him saying, I don't need to know now you're 18, have fun. They had cunningly bought me a car, so I was the permanent sober driver.


Not sure if I'll be able to do that with my kids.

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I’m happy to report that DD is now pretty much telling me where she is and when her ETA due back. I suspect she has probably talked to people her age who have told her it’s not an unreasonable request. She also suggested that I have her phone location on my IPad, although I don’t need to go that far.


She is streetwise but can sometimes be clueless about other viewpoints.

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I’m happy to report that DD is now pretty much telling me where she is and when her ETA due back. I suspect she has probably talked to people her age who have told her it’s not an unreasonable request. She also suggested that I have her phone location on my IPad, although I don’t need to go that far.


She is streetwise but can sometimes be clueless about other viewpoints.

 

That's great she is now being reasonable :)


Re the bit in bold. I would probably do that. Its really handy if she loses her phone.

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