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Aust-27

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So my daughter is pregnant. Drunken one night stand. She is 30. He is 24. She is employed casual. Sound company. 28 hours a week. She says he has no interest. (He is young and scared most likely).


She believes she is fine doing it on her own as that is her personality (don't tell me what to do!!) She cant do it on her own without our emotional support. And eventually financial.

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That sounds like a lot for anyone to take in all at once, I hope you will be able to have some time and space to process things in the coming weeks and months. Things can get overwhelming very fast when big changes are happening.


Good luck to your daughter and congratulations on your impending grand-baby. Will it be your first grandchild?

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Just to get a clear picture and to give advice or empathy I am going to ask a couple of things.

The age difference is nothing - is she 'letting' him off the hook due to that reason? Did she know him at all prior to the event? Is she planning on continuing with the pregnancy? Was the pregnancy in some form a subconscious decision and not a pure mistake? Was any form of contraception used? Is this a new announcement from her or has time passed since her announcement?

i know these questions might seem odd but in all honesty asking them will give users the opportunity to support you in order to be able to support her

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Guest BusbyWilkes

I’m sure it’s come as a big shock to you all. Take some time to process it.


Has she been to her gp to confirm the pregnancy? If she’s planning on having the baby, it would be a great idea to start on prenatal supplements ASAP, then see her doctor to check what other tests etc they would recommend. If she’s had unprotected sex with a stranger, she should also be tested for STIs (both for her own health and for her baby’s).


Does she live with you? As a single parent, she will likely be eligible for Centrelink payments. She could contact them to check what she would be eligible for eg maternity leave, family tax A or B, rent assistance etc.


At 30, you don’t need to provide her with financial or emotional support. If you’re in a position to do so, it would likely be beneficial to her and your grandchild (though this depends on the relationship you have).

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First grandchild. We have two other older children. One married and another wedding in March this year. We didnt expect this.


She lives in another state. No family there. No real support system.


She is not letting him off the hook. She has always said she would rather have a child on her own but I thought she was joking. Seems not.


We have gone through all the centrelink payments etc.


I am trying to not think too much about it and try and be happy but I know it is going to be hard for her as she will be doing it on her own. I have planned to go up their before the birth and after for a few weeks.


I should be very happy but there is a big sadness in me as well.

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Living in another state could be an issue when she has no close support BUT that is up to her to either move closer to support or be ready to be a full time single parent. It's going to be a big change to her, however, she is an adult and she is going to have to be prepared to work things out on her own.


My advice would be to have a chat to her, let her know that you are happy for her (don't mention your feelings) and support her choice to have the baby BUT she is going to have to support the both of them on her wage, same as if the father was a part of the picture, treat her the same as you would if she were in a committed relationship. She does need to start preparing to get child support from him, and if she wants full custody of the baby start those preceedings as well. Whilst I get the whole drunk, one night thing this is as much his responsibility as hers and he needs to own his actions.


It is most likely going to be hard for her, however, it is her life and she has chosen what she would like to do with it, interfering or showing open disappointment will only cause friction between you. It's going to be hard for you as well but remember that there is no such thing as a 'normal' family, family is who and what you make it.


My personal concerns would be STI's, HIV, Hep B & C and if he has any genetic or hereditary issues that need to be taken into account as well

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Literally Nobody

You might just be surprised, she may be more ready and mature than you realise. If she’s not then she will quickly learn to be.


And don’t be sad, grandchildren are the best.!

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At 30 I’d think she’d be very capable of raising a child, all else being equal (that is, no special needs at play). That said I’d think most new mothers require emotional support. As for the financial side she doesn’t sound overly well set up, but she will be entitled to child support if she’s not with the father of the baby, and she has the whole pregnancy to plan, plus she should meet the requirements for PPL.

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OP congratulations! Your 30 year old daughter is having a baby!


Everyone needs emotional support to have a baby. Heck lots of people need financial support too.


How settled is she interstate? She may want to consider where she wants to settle long term before the baby is born, particularly if he's showing no interest. But if she's happy where she is that's fine too, particularly if that's where her work is.


Also, at 30, it's possible this was an "accident on purpose" (consciously or subconsciously). But whether it was or it wasn't doesn't matter at all because your daughter wants to have this baby and she will make it work.


PS mum and I are fairly sure my late gran assumed I had a one night stand to get pregnant and then we made up the donor sperm story for her benefit 😂😂. She wasn't fussed by this at all, but was worried he may move in and then take my house. So if my 95 year old gran can cope with the idea (even if that wasn't true) others will ok too!

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Ah, a hug for you, OP. Life is what happens when we're busy making other plans, eh? This may not be the future you've envisaged for her, but it is the future. Now it's up to her to work things out.


Good on you for planning to visit in the first few weeks. Keep an eye out for the baby blues, particularly if she's not living with the father and is doing it completely on her own. And check in a few months down the track if possible, for me that's when I was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid (quite common after pregnancy) and was feeling very teary and down.

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StillFreddiesMum

That's a lot for you to take in and process OP but your DD is 30 years old which means she is well and truly an adult. Yes she will need emotional support but we are lucky we live in a country that does give some financial support via Centrelink.


Just be there for her, she may ring you up one day in floods of tears saying "what have I done? I can't do this on my own !" and assure her that you love her and the baby. She does need to statt building a village of support as she goes through this, maybe alone / maybe with a partner. She may want to move closer to you / family - and thay may be for the best but again, she's an adut woman and barring any issues (drugs / alochol / serious MH problems) she can do this.

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Thanks everyone for you words. They have helped. I am a worrier I have been told! She is a very capable, responsible person.


I am happy for her and for us and she knows her father and I are only a phone call away.


I think the border closures is making it more of an issue with me as we are not able to fly/drive up to see her.


She is settled where she is, has been there for many years, and that's where her job is. She has said that if things become too difficult she will move back to our area if needed. She doesn't want to but she is realistic that it wont be a walk in the park doing it by herself.

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It sounds like you are a bit in shock which is to be expected. Give yourself time to adjust to the idea and it will feel very different. Yes it will be hard, having kids is hard no matter what, but as others have pointed out your DD is an adult capable of doing this. Wishing all of you the very best, along with congratulations.

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I too agree it is a bit of a shock. And not what you were wanting/hoping for your child. Not ideal having the father not keen and her being on her own, but not a distaster neither.


Centrelink payments are okay for single parents. Definitely better than jobseeker payments. She can get child support off the dad too. Plus subsidised child care if she wants to return to work. This could be just the thing that results in your daughter thriving. It is hard work but people cope. She may be more inclined to throw herself into her mum’s group or other baby related activities if she has limited support. Child care can act as a support too. And as she said, she can move home if she needs help.


Give yourself time to adjust. The father may need time to adjust too and may change his mind. You are go to be a gran for the first time - how exciting. And if your child is independent and headstrong, no doubt they will push their way through the hard parts.

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She can do it on her own without your financial support I'm sure. Plenty of women do. When I started to read it I thought you were talking about a teenager, not a full grown 30 yr old.

She'll be fine, you'll be fine and the baby will be fine as long as it's loved. The rest will work it's self out. Babies don't need a lot of expensive stuff, just a good car seat, decent cot and pram (that meet safety standards) and some clothes and nappies.

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Hills Mum Bec

I think you are overthinking everything. I have a close friend who's 25yo daughter lives interstate and had a surprise pregnancy, finding out she was pregnant when she was in labour. Father of baby is not in the picture at all, friend flew interstate to be with daughter when baby was born and tried to convince her to move to home state for more support but she was insistent she could do it alone. She was fine, friend helped out financially in setting her up with all the baby stuff she needed so she could actually bring surprise baby home and she has done an amazing job of raising her child without any further financial support and with family emotional support from interstate. Surprise baby has just turned two and my friend's daughter has just decided to move back to her home state as COVID restrictions have made visiting family hard.

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I am going to be deeply honest here.


Please don't be sad.


I would have likely got an abortion if i was your daughter - but now im 41 and spending thousands on IVF to be a single parent.


The good news is she already has a 28hr a week job that may be easier to go back to than negotiating part time at a job she was doing full time hours at.


If you think it might help I have a spreadsheet all figured out for when i am back at work (and one for mat leave) happy to email it to you if you send me a PM.


My FTB for example cancelled out my childcare costs as a single parent (after rebates)

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  • 2 months later...

Update. She is here now. We are happy. She is not stressed anymore. She saw a lawyer (family court) today to know what she needs to know.

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Update. She is here now. We are happy. She is not stressed anymore. She saw a lawyer (family court) today to know what she needs to know.

 

What a lovely update. All the best on the upcoming grandchild.


I'm a single mother by choice. My (divorced) parents went to a grandparent's antenatal class on my request (despite having 3 grandchildren). My dad (an older Greek man) in particular was mortified that I asked him to go, but they went together because I asked. It was really helpful as they heard the same information as I did and so they were aligned on some things. Also my mum actually had some practical breastfeeding support advice for me that she learned, despite the fact she never attempted breastfeeding (and my dad is still completely non fussed when he sees me breastfeeding despite her being 18 months).


Long story short. If you have a class available to you (even online), go to it. It will mean a lot to your daughter but you will also hear the contemporary advice

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