I didn't get her flowers

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Bornagirl
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#26

My daughter's a florist. They other day they sent out some flowers with 'Happy Birthday' followed by what could have been a very nasty surprise. They were hoping it was some sort of in joke with the couple.
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magic_marker
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#27

Don't waste your money on flowers, just find a card with flowers on the front. Job done!
Let her know that you understand what affect a stroke can have on peoples memory and she may have forgotten all the care you showed her post stroke. But you didn't realise what a bitch it could make her turn into with stabbing you in the back & betraying your trust like that. Use your own words though, you'll be able to put it much better l'm sure.
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Lukes mummi
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#28

Oh and please don’t get flowers for your next sick friend! Flowers in hospitals are a pain in the neck! I’ve worked in hospitals for nearly 30 years now- there’s less volunteers to arrange/ change water due to covid, people move rooms, lack of space on the room, roommate or nurses have an allergy to the flowers. I always give soap, chocolates or hand cream if I’m visiting someone in hospital- at least they can pack them , or give them away easily.
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LunaFreya
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#29

If I was in hospital I’d like gift cards, especially for Uber eats or menu log, for when I get home
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Jenflea
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#30

knowing the food at our hospitals, I'd want uber eats delivered to me on the ward.
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Babetty
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#31

I was sent flowers when I was in hospital to give birth and, while lovely, I just didn't see the point. A pain to try and get home at the end of the stay.
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IamtheMumma
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#32

Jenflea wrote: Wed Feb 10, 2021 2:18 pm I'd send her flowers and say on the card something like "Here are the flowers you asked for, now leave me alone and stop bitching about me to everyone"
But I'm a bit of a bitch myself now I'm in my 40's, tired and cranky lol.
Can I up the ante and say send her a wreath with "Here's your fucking flowers, RIP friendship".
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Zogee
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#33

It really hurts when a friendship ends, but sometimes it’s inevitable and has been on the cards for a long time. I don’t think you did anything wrong and she sounds like she’s spoiling for an argument for whatever reason. I hope you’re ok xx
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Prancer
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#34

If a friend had been through a hard time, I would like to think I might try and hang in there are be supportive. But if it was a weak friendship or she had shown issues earlier, not sure if I would bother.

It may be that she would have appreciated more support and found it hard to ask? So many people will say things like ‘let me know if I can help’ without actually doing anything to help! It just takes a lot of time and organisation sometimes to ask for help, let alone if someone has trouble doing so. Or maybe she just wanted flowers!
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#35

Chillipeppers wrote: Wed Feb 10, 2021 12:29 pm She has been known to do this to people in the past, I just never thought she would do it to me. There’s no brain damage as much as I wish there was a reason for it.
I became very good friends with a woman YEARS ago - met her through a mutual friend. The woman had been best friends with mutual friend’s sister growing up.

I’d hear of her terrible treatment of friends in the past but we became so close (like see each other every day, babysit her kid frequently close) I didn’t think it would happen to me. Then she turned it on me late one night when some bloke did not come home with her! It was my fault apparently - I caused all the men she dated to leave (still single to this day I believe). It went on for half an hour before I woke up to myself and hung up on her. I the. told her once never to bother contacting me again. Her mother tried to smooth things over and I told her I wasn’t interested in smoothing it over and not to bother contacting me.

No one was surprised and she’s continued to burn friendships - the mutual friend and her sister are also no longer friends with her.
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Mooguru
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#36

Given the history I'd walk away. In terms of mutual friends, I'd just say "I tried to offer support, she refused it. I don't understand what happened but I don't want to involve anyone else in it." (I mean obviously I'd be saying in the hope they then dish out ALL the gossip whilst i kid myself I'm taking the moral high ground :lol: )

All the friendships I've had that have really burned out (rather than just drifted apart) they all had a habit of very intense, quite short term friendships that always ended with a bang. I don't know why I was so surprised when it then happened to me.
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Sancti-claws
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#37

Given all of the water that has now passed under the bridge, this is a moot point - but at any point have you gone to see her?

My sister had neurosurgery and one thing that is very true is stuff that messes with your brain (surgery, trauma, strokes) can have massive impacts on personality, memory and behaviour.

It was over 25 years ago and the best information that we could have been given because the person that we had to deal with, especially in the first few months, wasn't the person that we knew.

Small things (even wrong things) irritated greatly and she would lash out with words, she was very quick to take offense and get upset, her emotions were not as controlled and once on a course she was righteous.

Over 25 years later and there are still bits of that person who took over my sister's body, but we have gotten more used to her.

She did lose friends with it.
'The time has come,' the Walrus said, 'To talk of many things: Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax — Of cabbages — and kings — And why the sea is boiling hot — And whether pigs have wings.'
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#38

OP, you have done absolutely nothing wrong, your friend sounds very entitled and self absorbed. I'm sorry she's badmouthing you to friends, maybe in the end they'll work out what she's like too.

EFS
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Chchgirl
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#39

Good riddance. I'm too old for people's passive aggressive bullshit and have no tolerance for crap anymore. If they want to carry on and walk over flowers, then bloody do it. I don't run after people and my life is very peaceful for it.

If I've been in hospital, I couldn't care less about flowers.

When my dh died nearly 10 years ago, i couldn't tell you who gave me flowers, I was too busy. And yes, I had many people not bother with me after, and I didn't run after them,. Good riddance.

You haven't done anything wrong OP.
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Kerilyntaryn21
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#40

That's crazy, you offered to help and get dinners and checked in, to me that is worth way more than flowers
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#41

Neurosurgery can affect personality or perhaps in her case, it might temporarily have affected her perceptions and/or mental processing such that she formed and subsequently fixed these false ideas about you. It would only ever be guessing whether/how neurosurgery might/might not have affected her, so a practical approach might be to conclude that whatever the reason(s), the relationship is no longer positive nor worthwhile, but giving her the benefit of the doubt (about the possibility of effects from neurosurgery), might make the loss less bitter.
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LifesGood
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#42

That's really sad OP, you must feel so hurt. You did nothing to deserve the treatment you are receiving, your friend is behaving very badly.

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the friendship but then move on.
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#43

Kiwi Bicycle wrote: Wed Feb 10, 2021 11:28 am People who have had strokes ( or any brain trauma) can have personality changes. I don't think you have treated her badly. It maybe she's struggling with her own reactions to her trauma. My grandma became very weeoy after her stroke for the first 6 months afterwards.
This,

If it were me I would say something " Hey, I can't think of what I have done to upset you so much to want to end our friendship. I want you to know that I do care and I am sorry that if me not sending flowers hurt your feelings. I was planning to come and see you after you got home from the hospital. I want you to know that I still care for you and if you want to take a break from our friendship, I am here for when you are ready to talk. I am always here for you. Take care".

A stroke is such a horrible life changing event... and like it messes with peoples emotions and reactions and responses. It doesn't mean that its permanent but I would do whatever possible to let her know that the door she's chosen to close can always be opened and that I would be there for her. If we cant be there for our friends when they are sinking and not their best, then when can we be there for them?
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#44

OP, I haven’t seen this come up in a post, but if your friend was in hospital in 2020, could you even have visited? Some hospitals were very strict and imposed limits of two visitors a day. If she had a partner and other relatives who visited regularly, you probably couldn’t have visited on most days unless you prearranged/booked a slot with her family.
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Chillipeppers
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#45

Sincerely wrote: Sat Feb 13, 2021 8:10 pm OP, I haven’t seen this come up in a post, but if your friend was in hospital in 2020, could you even have visited? Some hospitals were very strict and imposed limits of two visitors a day. If she had a partner and other relatives who visited regularly, you probably couldn’t have visited on most days unless you prearranged/booked a slot with her family.
We were not allowed to visit while she was in hospital but she was referring to when she returned home. I didn’t visit her when she got home because she was complaining of severe migraines and having to keep all her blinds shut. I did offer to drop off food for the family but she declined so I wasn’t really sure what else to do. She specifically wanted flowers to be delivered to her.
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#46

Chillipeppers wrote: Sat Feb 13, 2021 10:28 pm
Sincerely wrote: Sat Feb 13, 2021 8:10 pm OP, I haven’t seen this come up in a post, but if your friend was in hospital in 2020, could you even have visited? Some hospitals were very strict and imposed limits of two visitors a day. If she had a partner and other relatives who visited regularly, you probably couldn’t have visited on most days unless you prearranged/booked a slot with her family.
We were not allowed to visit while she was in hospital but she was referring to when she returned home. I didn’t visit her when she got home because she was complaining of severe migraines and having to keep all her blinds shut. I did offer to drop off food for the family but she declined so I wasn’t really sure what else to do. She specifically wanted flowers to be delivered to her.
You certainly had all the intentions & actions of a thoughtful good friend. I guess some of the comments here (including mine) give her the benefit of doubt as to how her specific condition might have affected her perceptions and judgement, but otherwise, her behaviour is undeserving of your friendship.
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#47

You have done nothing wrong. If she's done it to people in the past, then it's her with an issue, and she'll never change. Sounds like she thrives on drama.

I worked with someone who insisted their current bf had to send her flowers to work on a regular basis, as for her it was a public way to "show" everyone that she was in this fantastic relationship.

The reality was, her relationships were pretty dysfunctional. She would waste time throughout the day, telling everyone, one by one, about the latest problem/drama her partner had, and that she was thinking of leaving him. Then flowers would arrive at work, and she'd be all mushy and say "omg I am so lucky".

She never took the flowers home, and often wouldn't put them in water, so they'd die fairly quickly. She often got really stinky ones that made people in the office feel sick, so she'd move them to another room for those office workers to suffer, and she was once told by the manager to put them outside.

She had about 5 boyfriends in the 2 years she worked there, and every one of them followed her demands of sending her flowers. It wasn't romantic to receive flowers when she'd told them they had to send her flowers, but in her head, it was a sign of a fantastic relationship.
It is narcissistic self-idolatry to think you can create your own truth based on what you “feel"
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#48

OnFire wrote: Sun Feb 14, 2021 1:35 pm You have done nothing wrong. If she's done it to people in the past, then it's her with an issue, and she'll never change. Sounds like she thrives on drama.

I worked with someone who insisted their current bf had to send her flowers to work on a regular basis, as for her it was a public way to "show" everyone that she was in this fantastic relationship.

The reality was, her relationships were pretty dysfunctional. She would waste time throughout the day, telling everyone, one by one, about the latest problem/drama her partner had, and that she was thinking of leaving him. Then flowers would arrive at work, and she'd be all mushy and say "omg I am so lucky".

She never took the flowers home, and often wouldn't put them in water, so they'd die fairly quickly. She often got really stinky ones that made people in the office feel sick, so she'd move them to another room for those office workers to suffer, and she was once told by the manager to put them outside.

She had about 5 boyfriends in the 2 years she worked there, and every one of them followed her demands of sending her flowers. It wasn't romantic to receive flowers when she'd told them they had to send her flowers, but in her head, it was a sign of a fantastic relationship.
This is why I refuse to celebrated Valentine's day, I saw a few of these at work when I was young and also people I knew, I have never celebrated Valentine's day in any relationship and told my late husband when I met him that I didn't believe in it. I still feel this way 30 years later although I am single by choice!

I dislike gifts and flowers, i prefer people to treat other decently instead.

Sounds like the OP is a decent person in my eyes.
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#49

So it’s been a few months since I’ve spoken to my ex friend and during this time I have been approached by various mutual friends telling me she has badmouthed me and has tried to insinuate to some friends that I have said bad things about them (all not true). I have kept my distance but I have told everyone who has approached me that she is just angry because I didn’t get her flowers and she is trying to stir shit for me now. Yesterday I get a text message from her saying she misses me and would like to chat over coffee. I feel this is not sincere because of all the bad things I’ve heard her say about me. Do I reply or do I ignore the message?
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#50

Chillipeppers wrote: Thu Apr 08, 2021 3:25 pm So it’s been a few months since I’ve spoken to my ex friend and during this time I have been approached by various mutual friends telling me she has badmouthed me and has tried to insinuate to some friends that I have said bad things about them (all not true). I have kept my distance but I have told everyone who has approached me that she is just angry because I didn’t get her flowers and she is trying to stir shit for me now. Yesterday I get a text message from her saying she misses me and would like to chat over coffee. I feel this is not sincere because of all the bad things I’ve heard her say about me. Do I reply or do I ignore the message?
She sounds like she has such a personality disorder; I would not get sucked back into this at all.
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