Having Kids/Not Having Kids

I don't really regret having a child, but I do imagine my life without one. I am sure I would have had a fabulous life without a child and, in fact, a life that is more adventurous and full in many ways.

I had DD when I was 38, so left it late and very much enjoyed my life till then. DD is great, well loved and has a great life. I learned a lot by having her, especially as she was born very prematurely, so life taught me some lessons there too.

I hate people pressuring others to have kids. I don't like people saying that life isn't full without kids. It's simply not true.

The older I get the more I realise that life is super short and nothing is certain in life.

I do regret not living my dreams and being the real me. So much of life is conforming to society's norms. I wish I was more radical. And for me, that would include not having children.

[mention]Happyone89[/mention]

A very interesting post for your first one, welcome to everybump!

I, like [mention]Froyo[/mention] am childless not by choice. My hand was forced by my husband’s cancer and it’s something I am still coming to terms with. It doesn’t help that our lives are impacted by his lifelong health issues and limitations so it’s hard to “move on.”

As for your decisions, I have two very old friends who both did not want children and continue to be happy with the lives that they have chosen into their 40s.

This topic reminded me of that lovely saying “Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one and they all stink!”

Life experiences affect us all differently and your choices are just as valid as anyone else’s.

PPs have had more insightful comments than me so I’m sure those will assist you.

I have 3 children but could have been just as happy without. Like Jerry said it is just a different road.

DH and I agreed that we would try for kids, but also agreed that if we had issues conceiving than it wasn’t to be and we would continue on childless. Really quite ambivalent about it.

Half of our friends (we are mid 40s now) actually don’t have children, they are happy with their lives.

Life can throw so much at you that you can not plan for. Enjoy the life you have, the choices you have made AND DO NOT LIVE WITH REGRET!

To have children is a valid choice, to not have children is a valid choice.

My biggest dislike is when people trot out the “you never regret the children you have”.... I call complete bullshit on that. People can and do regret.

I grew up thinking I wanted 2 kids. Then in my 20s was unsure if I wanted any. Then in my early 30s was tossing up getting my eggs frozen in case I met someone later in life.

Then aged 35, almost 36, I realised I was going to miss the boat (still single, had no frozen eggs yet) and suddenly I was not happy about that at all. I decided I wanted a family of my own, with or without a partner. And so embarked on IVF as a single mum, and frankly the IVF process was such a horrible rollercoaster that by the time I got pregnant 10 cycles later the idea of being a single mum didn't seem that scary.

And now she's been here almost 16 months and we are a little family and it's bloody amazing (and tiring too!).

So now maybe I want another baby, but for me the trade-off is how hard I try because my odds are still very low and I will turn 40 this year. And I don't want to be distracted doing IVF for the next few years and then miss the time with my daughter. My period hasn't returned yet so I'm basically kicking the can down the road and that's a decision for later.

Oh and it annoys me when people assume because I'm single one child is enough. Someone said to me "but you'll be outnumbered". But she has 3 children and only one husband so she's outnumbered too?

I don't really regret having a child, but I do imagine my life without one. I am sure I would have had a fabulous life without a child and, in fact, a life that is more adventurous and full in many ways.

I had DD when I was 38, so left it late and very much enjoyed my life till then. DD is great, well loved and has a great life. I learned a lot by having her, especially as she was born very prematurely, so life taught me some lessons there too.

I hate people pressuring others to have kids. I don't like people saying that life isn't full without kids. It's simply not true.

The older I get the more I realise that life is super short and nothing is certain in life.

I do regret not living my dreams and being the real me. So much of life is conforming to society's norms. I wish I was more radical. And for me, that would include not having children.

Luckily for us, we aten’t dead, well not yet. I plan on being one of those mad old women shouting at manspreaders on the tram, hurling cats at school children and stealing pistachios while staring the store holder dead in the eye.

I am so happy that I have had my two kids, it really is my biggest fulfilment. Sometimes (often) I wonder if we will regret not having a third.

However, I am determined to appreciate what I have and my life situation. It hasn't been easy. I suffered from PND and PNA and it really was difficult. In some ways it is hard because I really never know what the future holds...kids could move away, never have children, the list goes on, so I definitely don't have guarantees for any certain future.

I know people who are childless and think it's a crock that they should have regrets. You find enjoyment, happiness and love in all sorts of life situations.

The important thing is doing what is right for you.

A hard one. I"ve got both experiences. I've had kids without having them. Both choices are valid in my opinion.

While I think having kids is draining and sucks the life out of you, I also think they're maybe the only things worth doing, because after you die, they keep going. And they make you experience life differently.

I certainly don't think childless people are selfish for that choice and if they are able to face a world in which the whole of the rest of human history goes on without anything of them in it, good on them.

The other half of the time I think, thank god I won't be subjecting my children to the future world.

Nothing is ever really black and white is it.

I grew up wanting kids really young. I did ended up as a young mum.

I thought I was done but then DH came along. He was fine with not having another child. I didn’t want him to regret it even though I wasn’t too sure I was prepared for the work ahead of me. Anyway, DS2 came along.

I’m going to be brutally honest here. As much as I love my children and would die for them. However, if I am given the opportunity to go back to when I was 19, I would choose a different path and I wouldn’t have children.

My maternal instinct left me at 18.

I regret nothing.

And I absolutely hate being told that I’ll regret not having another one after DS1. I needed people to STFU because I was feeling so guilty about not wanting another child because I rather have no children.

I wasn’t going to tell people that, especially those who were so opinionated on a topic that was so personal.

One friend was so relentless that I just stopped talking to her and avoided her completely.

I truly despise it when people say "you never regret a child you have" when people are wondering whether or not to have one. Prior to having kids one of my workmates confided in me that she adored her children but secretly regretted becoming a mother and would have chosen differently if she could have a do-over. I remember being shocked and couldn't understand how any mother could feel that way, but now, with 3 kids of my own, I can completely understand and relate to her. I always thought having children would be the most amazing thing I could do, but I've realised that although I do love my children, I'm not sure I should have ever been a mother and I do wish I could revisit my child-free days and make the most of them.

......

While I think having kids is draining and sucks the life out of you, I also think they're maybe the only things worth doing, because after you die, they keep going. And they make you experience life differently.

 

I don't think children are the only thing worth doing. Travel is worth doing. Living on your own is worth doing. Research is worth doing. Helping others is worth doing. Being kind is worth doing. Just surviving is worth doing.

I am sure there is no meaning in life. Just living life.

After you die, you are gone. And it's ok if there is no great "legacy" living on.

Yes, children make you experience life differently, but not experiencing it is also just fine and a wonderful life.

I have three and I'm finding it really hard.

But I also have ADHD and I'm unmedicated, so I think even if I didn't have them I'd find life difficult.

I love my kids they're incredible. It warms my heart to see how much they love each other.

I had one for five years, One is a good option for many people, it definitely suited us. You can still travel easily, daycare costs don't break you financially, you don't have to change your car and you can live in a 2 bedroom apartment. Plus one person can take them out and the other parent gets a break. Now if DP disappears with one child I'm livid, he comes home thinking he's father of the year!

I certainly don't think childless people are selfish for that choice and if they are able to face a world in which the whole of the rest of human history goes on without anything of them in it, good on them.

I think there's lots of ways to put your stamp on the world without having kids. You can cure diseases, write the novel, heck, just being there for family and friends, enjoying life experiences, living on planet earth, walking on grass and looking at the sky, that's a huge deal.

There's a lot of pressure to get married and have two kids (or three, if you're trying for the opposite sex.) People need to mind their own business and stop trying to validate their own choices.

I had a miserable childhood & adolescence so I was ambivalent about having kids. DH had wanted 4 as he came from a family of that size (dysfunctional, but I think he wanted to prove he could do it better than his parents). I just went along but as a working parent, I found it very, very difficult to juggle everything. My first was a great baby & child, but I was working & studying at the same time, so I didn’t get to enjoy being a parent. Number 2 & 3 were really difficult kids (even DH decided we should stop at 3) so my first fifteen years as a working parent felt like a long dark tunnel, but somehow (not sure how), the kids all emerged as awesome adolescents/teens and now they are the best part of my life. No real words of wisdom other than that one just makes the best of what one has.

ETA: We had very little support from either side of the family (if anything, time & money resources flowed in the opposite direction), so these individual factors impact on what one is able to manage as a working parent.

I was clucky at the age of six so that coloured my decision-making a lot.

It is possible that I may have regretted some relationship decisions that I have made through the years, but the children resultant have been my joy (and occasional heartbreak).

HOWEVER - had I not had children, I would still have lived my life, had dodgy relationships and made as many life choices to ruin my trajectory as with children, and it still would have been an experience worth living!

It sounds like you are studying something that fires you - perhaps the response is that you cannot understand others fulfilment not being measured the way you envisage your life either.

Good luck with it all!

To each their own. Be happy with yourself and what you have.

I wanted kids, my only regret is taking so long - undiagnosed fertility issues left me waiting to fall pregnant as quickly and magically as everyone around me. Two is enough for me. It can be very challenging. Never regret what you cannot change is my motto, so here they are and I’m living proof that some days you can both love what you would dearly like to kill LOL. Parenting is as much about them as it is about me, I’ve learnt a lot, still learning.

I certainly don't think childless people are selfish for that choice and if they are able to face a world in which the whole of the rest of human history goes on without anything of them in it, good on them.

 

I think there's lots of ways to put your stamp on the world without having kids. You can cure diseases, write the novel, heck, just being there for family and friends, enjoying life experiences, living on planet earth, walking on grass and looking at the sky, that's a huge deal.

Yes. I travel, I have written novels, I enjoy the outdoors. That's all about my life. I'm not really thinking of that but what comes after. I've always been interested in the natural world and one of the things that really stuck with me is survival. That I am alive means that all my ancestors before me were successful, in strictly biological terms. I am not. I fail not only myself but all those others, stretching all the way back to when we walked upright. I find that difficult to deal with.

However, I do realise it's a very human-biased kind of view. It may be that 1000 years from now, none of us went forward. Nature doesn't really care which species survive, so the idea of biological success is itself human.

I have a colleague who doesn't have kids and their life seems so relaxed and full of options I am often envious.

A spin off topic is here.

I have close friends who have chosen not to have children and are extremely content. One is about to turn 70! Still no regrets.

I have 2 girlfriends who have regretted their children and are counting down the years till they leave home.

I think some women paint a fairy tale when they think of having kids. Reality is far from it. Know what you are in for. bloody hard work but plenty of amazing moments to make it all worthwhile.

I had my kids later in my 30s. I had partied hard, did my studying, travelling, working. I was ready for kids. My children have brought me so much joy, love and exhaustion Sometimes I wish I had started earlier so I could have had more of them but then I may have been in a different phase of life and may not have enjoyed motherhood as much?

The only thing I missed about pre kids life is the sleep! But I hear teenagers sleep a lot so I will make up for it then

My eldest told me today she wanted 3 brothers and 3 sisters (3 more than we have) so I guess I'm not doing too bad of a job at least. I told her not a chance

DD is an only child, and will never have a sibling. A few times when she was younger she'd ask for a baby brother or sister, but then we'd go to my friend's places and the siblings would be fighting and jealous and arguing and she'd get in the car and say 'Mum, I'm EXHAUSTED" and I'd say that's just 2 hours, imagine that day in and day out??!! And then she's happy being an only child again lol. We're all introverts so we like our space and quiet frequently.

I never thought I would have children of my own - didn't really like them even when I was one - but was always open to the idea that I might change my mind at some stage and expected that I would be a stepmum. I am now 54 and have never for even one day in my life yearned for children or regretted not having any.

I met my husband at 37 when he had a 10yr old and a 12yr old and we half-heartedly talked about having our own kids but neither of us was overly fussed either way so we didn't even try. I have a great career, a happy marriage and we live a fabulous, secure and somewhat selfish life. I love my stepkids, nephews and great-nieces and nephews to bits but have never felt any more kids were needed or wanted in my life.