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Having Kids/Not Having Kids


Happyone89

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Do you regret - either having kids, if you did, or not having kids, if you didn’t ?


Sorry if this has been a post before!


Context - I’m 32 and I’ve been 100% set on not having children all my life, but get told all the time “better be sure about that, you’ll regret it”!


So I thought I would ask the EB world - do you regret either having kids or not ?

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I think you can regret or at least wonder about any path not taken.

I regret not living overseas like most of my friends, I sometimes regret waiting to have kids as long as we did, I occasionally wonder if I should have dated a bit more (I met and started dating my now husband at 19, which was unexpected)...

We had kids after years of dithering because when we thought about our elderly years, the idea of children and grandchildren seemed somehow central and necessary. But that’s not how everyone sees their future, so if that idea doesn’t sit right with you, then perhaps you’ll be someone’s awesome auntie who swans in with cool stories and awesome shoes?

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I'm childless not by choice, but I'm at peace with it.

People are far too ready to project their own issues onto others. Good on you for knowing what you want, despite societal pressures.

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I do have children and I do not regret it at all, my life does revolve around my family and that suits me........but as I have matured and experienced more in life I can see that not everyone has to feel this way and that's OK. You don't need children to have a fulfilled, happy and contented life.

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It is very hard to say you regret having kids - the thought of hurting your kids by putting those words in writing is enough to put most parents off contemplating them.


All I will say is that it would be a very valid choice to not have children. Your life will be better in many ways. Not every way, but many ways.

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I have never regretted having a child but we have chosen to stay at 1, we never thought about having a child any more than we stopped contraception and just let nature decide, so we had DS 13 years ago. I am now 45 and still don't want another

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ArabellaKagical

I'm not one to have regrets, I make choices and my effort goes into dealing with the consequences (good or bad) rather then dealing with regret.


I don't regret having children but I don't think I would have regretted a decision to not to have children either as I would have found same if not more fulfillment in other areas

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Until my mid-20s or so I was adamant that I did not want kids, and wasn't keen on getting married, either. Then I met DH and changed my mind.


I think what I was really against was what I'd been modelled: my mother was a militant housewife who believed all women's true calling was as a housewife, raising their sons (and daughters a bit if they were unlucky enough to get those). I wanted to be a scientist. What I did not want was for my entire life to be childcare and cleaning, like I'd been told was my lot whether I liked it or not because I would be a terrible person if I rejected this. So I rebelled, hard.


DH is not what you'd call into traditional gender roles, and I figured marriage and kids might be okay if we really did treat it as a partnership, not the Head of Household + Helpmeet I'd been raised to expect and which seems to develop in many relationships. So we had two, and I never really stopped working (even my maternity leave turned into me starting a business, which did very well for its type), and all the house stuff is shared.


It turns out I'm really glad I had kids. I'm also glad I stopped at two and DH didn't pull the bait-and-switch on me that so many men seem to do to other women. And of course it's not for everyone - and if I hadn't met DH and had them, I'd probably be happy with that, too.

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So at 35 I sat down and thought how did I see myself at 40. I was planning not to have children, but then realised that some of the things I had been doing was for future children ( keeping a travel journal, buying jewellery etc). I knew if I was going to do the kid thing it was now or never.

So yes, I did change my mind. I now know never say never.

I stopped at one for health issues. Yes, I am glad I have gone down this route and my DH is happy as he did want to be a dad.

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Two of my closest friends have chosen not to have kids and don't regret their choices - yes, they might wonder about the path not taken, but they made the right choices for them. And they are awesome aunties and one is an awesome step-grandmother (her husband's kids were almost grown when they got together, so she didn't parent step-kids).


I love my kids, don't regret it at all and would do it all over again - but then, I always knew I wanted them. Having said that, it's bloody hard work and turns your life upside down completely. I think it's a massive risk to have kids if you're not sure you want them - it's not like you can hand them back!

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My kids are the greatest joy of my life. I always thought I would have at least six kids of my own. I spent a couple of decades on fertility treatment and ended up with one bio kid and one donor egg kid. Plus a whole load of pretend kids, foster kids, almost kids, and kids who call me their 'other Mum'.


I'm sure if I ended up with no kids at all I would have still had a healthy, happy, fulfilled life. I just would have found a different way to express my nurturing need.

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My first post and so many of you have taken the time to reply already - warms my heart !


More context - I’m from a big family and grew up raising my younger siblings and has a really tough upbringing and went without a lot due to the number of kids in my family, plus my parents relationship was awful and they stayed together “for the kids”. It led to a couple of very bitter people and traumatised children. I believe my experience really opened my eyes and I have known for a very long time the sacrifice involved with having children, and multiple children.


Plus, I’ve got about 6 years of post grad study ahead of as went to uni later in life due to my very working class family situation and I’ve been very career focused and, I can admit it, selfish.


But I guess i sometimes wonder if it’s just that I don’t *know* what I’m “missing out” on, as another poster pointed out, I wouldn’t really know what the other choices in life are like ! I just sometimes catch myself wondering, will I regret this when my career is over and I don’t have children or grandchildren of my own.

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My first post and so many of you have taken the time to reply already - warms my heart !


More context - I’m from a big family and grew up raising my younger siblings and has a really tough upbringing and went without a lot due to the number of kids in my family, plus my parents relationship was awful and they stayed together “for the kids”. It led to a couple of very bitter people and traumatised children. I believe my experience really opened my eyes and I have known for a very long time the sacrifice involved with having children, and multiple children.


Plus, I’ve got about 6 years of post grad study ahead of as went to uni later in life due to my very working class family situation and I’ve been very career focused and, I can admit it, selfish.


But I guess i sometimes wonder if it’s just that I don’t *know* what I’m “missing out” on, as another poster pointed out, I wouldn’t really know what the other choices in life are like ! I just sometimes catch myself wondering, will I regret this when my career is over and I don’t have children or grandchildren of my own.

 

You could have a child/ren and they could choose not to have children so you won't have grandchildren, same as people want a girl so the can play dress ups with them but the girl may not want to, or a boy may not want to do stereotypical boy things either.


I think people that have set expectations will never get them right really - what is it that you think children will bring you that you don't already have?


I can't find a way to word fully what I want to try and say but there is no magic that happens when you have a child, I mean I love my son more than life itself but I am still me I just happen to have care of a child (well with DH) there is no fairy dust and something magical happens there is just an additional person around that you are responsible for 24/7 until they can look after themselves.


And even then as my mum says about me being the eldest in my 40's is parenting never stops even when your kids have kids themselves.


So I would suggest being happy in your self and what you have achieve so far before having a child, your life does not stop when you have a child but you outlook changes. You can never be 100% ready but if you can look back and say I have achieved enough that is ok


Just my thoughts

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I always knew I wanted to be a mum and until I met DH was planning on going the sperm donor route by the time I reached a certain age. I met DH and we had DD. Although I knew I wanted to be a mum, I really hadn't put a number on how many kids I wanted so DD is an only child. I honestly would have been heartbroken and unfulfilled if I had not had the opportunity to be a mum. It's the hardest but best job in the world but I knew since I was quite young that's what I wanted out of life.


You are in a different situation as you "know" you don't want kids, not all people should have kids and that's ok. It's a life altering decision that should not be taken lightly. Like a PP said, you can't take it back.


I grew up with a similar situation (looking after siblings, parents staying for the kids etc) but what I took out of it was that I never wanted to get married not that I didn't want to have kids. I say to my hubby that I was always going to have DD, he just ended up being a bonus.

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Guest Alias Grace

I vacillated between wanting and not wanting a child until the age of 40 when my DH gently pointed out that I really couldn't defer the decision any longer. He'd been quite ambivalent as well but always said he'd 100% support either decision and so it was really my choice. We tentatively decided to take the plunge and from that point my brain switched and I became consumed by the idea of becoming a parent! DD arrived shortly after I turned 42 and it's the best decision I've ever made. Zero regrets though about not trying any earlier and/or leaving more time for another child. And I still have occasional pangs of longing for the ease and simplicity of my child-free life and can see that it would have been a full one.


From a societal point of view, I do think there's a tendency to frame the decision or choice around having kids the wrong way around - i.e. since having kids has traditionally been the default for most couples, there can be too much emphasis on rationalising the choice *not* to have children rather than fleshing out the reasons why we actually *do* want to have kids. I think that the latter is far more important.

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I dont regret having my child at all. She is my everything and I am so glad I decided to have a kid. Life as a parent is hard, but I am glad all the same.


I think my life would have been less fulfilling without a child. She gives me a sense of purpose and I love that 'mother' is now part of my identity.

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I know a few people who were ambivalent about having kids and although the word regret isn't explicitly used, they are vocally very supportive of others not having kids. Some people seem to like being a parent, others seem to hate it. It seems quite a few people like/love their child/ren but hate the day to day and wish they weren't a parent. Regret is a very loaded concept.

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I don't regret my kids at all. I really didn't want kids but my DH did. I agreed to one, but she came and changed me in ways I never expected. Then suddenly it was me that kept wanting more! I had no idea how much I would love motherhood. Even though my career means it is a constant juggle and life is constantly chaotic, I really wouldn't change it for anything.


What I do regret though is waiting to try for baby #3. I assumed it wouldn't be too hard but it was a 3 year journey involving many miscarriages and IVF. But I don't regret bubs. I would not have felt complete if we'd stopped at two.

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ClaudiaCosette

I always wanted kids, and I know I would be heartbroken if I didn't have them. I do, however, kind of wish we had stopped at 2 instead of going for a 3rd (and getting 2 for the price of one instead) because that has been a hard journey so far, but I do adore them and wouldn't send them back! It's just meant I've had to reevaluate what my life from now on looks like, because it is different to what I imagined.

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Sometimes I have felt I have regretted having kids, but when I reflect on it, it’s the circumstances I found myself in that were challenging and left me with feelings of regret about other paths not taken and the hopes id had for my life being unfulfilled. I was trapped for a long time feeling things were not as they should be. But I have turned a corner on all of that and found peace.


Usually, you’re going to face some degree of the unexpected, disappointment or difficulty whichever path you choose, and ultimately you need to be bold enough to go down the path that is most authentic to your true self and sense of calling. Then you can at least face those inevitable challenges with an inner strength that is frankly hard to find when you feel you’re compromising your core values and true identity.

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Plus, I’ve got about 6 years of post grad study ahead of as went to uni later in life due to my very working class family situation and I’ve been very career focused and, I can admit it, selfish.

 

 

No no! That's not selfish and neither are you.


It's taken me the best part of 47 years to understand that my mother, despite how vocal she was about it, was wrong, and it is NOT selfish for a woman to have a career, and not selfish for her not to always put herself last. It just isn't.


We contribute to the world around us in so many ways, and motherhood is just one of them.

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I always wanted kids, even at 18 when I met (now) dh I spelt it out pretty early that I wanted to have kids and I didn't want to wait a long time, so if he didn't want that move along. We'd talked about 4, and dh is the eldest of 4 so he had an idea what he was getting himself into lol, but we didn't commit to it, if i'd said no more at 2 or when he said no more after 3 (and then changed his mind) that would've been ok. But we did end up going to 4 (and much like I knew I wanted kids, I now know i'm totally done). I don't regret the kids, they're awesome little people. Sometimes I really hate the demands on me constantly, never having a second to unwind because my brain is always working on the billion things I need to do/ figure out/ keep track of etc. I feel like a career life without kids would be much simpler and more satisfying in that *me* way, if that makes sense. Kids bring a different sense of satisfaction, watching them grow and learn and become independent is amazing, but I do miss having that personal sense of achievement. Anyway, my kids are all little, so probably some of that will resolve itself as they all hit school.


I have a friend that's childless by choice and I admire her decision, I think it's a brave decision when you're constantly faced with all the outside pressures. It really shouldn't matter though, it's a personal decision after all

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I didn’t really want kids until my 30s and the biological clock started ticking! Then it was the main thing on my mind. For me, I just wanted to see how parenthood went.


I have heard that mums can be like a secret club sometimes. If that’s so, I think the secret message is: ”This is really hard, what have we done?” I adore DS but it was a big adjustment and I’ll never be quite the same again. Our entire lives are arranged around him to some extent and I am terrified of him being hurt or unhappy. Plus, the early sleep deprivation was a shocker.


My advice is, do it if you really, really want to, because when you’re awake at 3 am and arguing with your partner, because you’re both exhausted, it can be hard to remember why you wanted a baby.!


That said, DS brings me a huge amount of joy and satisfaction. So there’s no easy answer I guess. If I didn’t have him I’d be mooning around the house, dreaming of baby clothes.

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I don't begrudge anyone their choice of having kids or not. I certainly wouldn't tell someone they might regret not having them. Bloody hell people are rude.


I don't regret having kids but I wish I'd had them at a different time of my life and under different circumstances. Still want the same kids but obviously would have to have the same fathers for that too happen. That's the bit I'd like to change.

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