Jump to content
IGNORED

Bullying: is the use of physical force appropriate?


Darryl

Recommended Posts

Bullying is an undeniable reality that lots of people face both in and out of school.


Do/would you ever advise your child to use physical force or violence to defend themselves, and if so at what point is such action appropriate?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 40
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • TheGreenSheep

    4

  • Sincerely

    3

  • A letter to elise

    2

  • pelagic

    2

Top Posters In This Topic

VictorineTheCatLover

My kids were always told that they could defend themselves but never throw the first punch so to speak.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

DD is 5 years old. I tell her if someone is picking on her/hurting her to get away and tell a teacher. But that if she is trapped and cannot escape, go for gold - if it’s a boy, kick between the legs, if it’s a girl, punch in the throat. I hope she is never in a position where she has to use violence, and tbh I think even if she was trapped she wouldn’t fight back - she’s very timid. Hoping to get her interested in a martial arts class when she’s a touch older.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Seayork2002

Actual self defence yes, everyone has the right to defend themselves no matter what age, but retaliation no as in 'they hit me so I went over and hit them'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

nom_de_plume

Yes I would. I was bullied at the start of high school. The school tried mediation, speaking to parents etc. and it didn't stop. My uncle told me 'just this once, fight back and see what happens'. So I did. I was stronger than this person and I slammed them up against the lockers, pinned them there and told them if they didn't back off I would do worse. The bully slunk off with their tail between their legs and never, ever picked on me again. Actually they never even spoke to me again and gave me a wide berth. Sometimes they just need a taste of their own medicine.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think, in most circumstances, there is a difference between "defending yourself" and reciprocating the physical violence.

I usually liken it to the force that would be legal for an adult to use to deal with a physical assault.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not Escapin Xmas

The thing is, it wouldn’t matter how many times I told DD to use her size and strength, she would still freeze up. So yes, I have told her to push kids away when they won’t listen to reason, but no, she never does.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have always told my kids 'don't throw the first punch but make sure you throw the last' and we will accept the consequences put in place by the school but afterwards I am taking you out for icecream.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As I worked in schools I made sure that I didn't interfere and assumed the school would help, I thought they were. DD was terribly bullied and to this day I regret that I wasn't that 'parent' or telling DD go for gold. She never suffered physical violence but that horrid verbal and social bullying (luckily I refused DD to have social media at that time).


She now has complex PTSD and bipolar diagnosis (and others) :( I wish I could throat punch that parent of the bully. Our life I bet would have been a lot easier :(


So I say to all parents let your child fight back, not start it but let them stand up for themselves and support them. I didn't support my DD like I should have and everyone in our family has paid the price :(



Fuck bullies


But the school employee in me sees the hurt and damage that bullies have been through and I have compassion - maybe that's why I let my DD's bully stomp all over her and the entire year group :(


Fuck parenting, it's hard :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think sometimes, it can help.


Bullies tend to look for the vulnerable kids, the sweet kids, the ones that ordinarily won’t fight back. So I think sometimes, standing up for yourself can be helpful. Often, it’s not though.


My eldest had a kid in his grade that used to pick and pick and pick. I won’t say bully, because it wasn’t quite that bad. More annoying and antagonistic. One day, the kid pushed my son and he’d had enough, so he gave him a huge shove and pushed him to the ground. They both got a detention. His year master quietly told me that my son did the wrong thing, but it was probably the right thing too. The child’s mother called my son on his mobile that afternoon to ask why he had been mean to her son lol. Her kid never bothered him again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Chicken Pie

year 2 and 3 got pretty bad so we had DD in martial arts and told her never hit first but go for it if they do, because it was a girl who would bully her emotionally and physically despite constant efforts to keep her away from DD. there were a couple instances she winded this girl and another she did a move from karate when someone grabs your arm....all tears, but DD never got in trouble either as they knew what this child was like


sadly it didnt deter this girl and the anxiety and fear of school got to a point we left the school because really, the school wasnt doing enough IMO and seemed the bully got more support and it was always us having to be given ways to avoid her

Link to comment
Share on other sites

TheGreenSheep

I have always told my kids 'don't throw the first punch but make sure you throw the last' and we will accept the consequences put in place by the school but afterwards I am taking you out for icecream.

Weve always told our kids they are not the school yard punching bag.


DS1 froze when being bullied by a known little shitbag from another school. There had been a long series of events on the bus and at the bus stop. DS1 was freaked out by this kid, and would almost have a breakdown if he saw the kid or the mum even outside of school - didnt help I knew the mum and we exchanged greetings.


One day the kid just kept on at DS1, he persisted in saying no to the bullies demands. DS2 came from behind and smacked the kid to the ground. My kids almost fell out of the bus and ran to the car to spill the story of that days events at the school bus stop. The school teacher rang (thankfully not our dud principal) ... they were in our corner and did everything to ensure it stopped. The other school the kid went too and the bus company were all made aware. He would be kicked off the bus if he continued. The school teacher told me that if it was happening to his kid he would've told them to smack the kid too, he saw it as the way to sort it out.


Speaking to the mum socially it became apparent our kids were going through similar stressors at the same time, I guess her DS chose to make my DS1 the outlet for his issues, whereas my DSs were mature enough not to take their shit out on other kids.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


One day the kid just kept on at DS1, he persisted in saying no to the bullies demands. DS2 came from behind and smacked the kid to the ground.

 

One of our sons was on the receiving end of physical violence when he started high school - the deputy principal ended up telling him that it is OK to defend himself, strongly encouraged actually.....we told him not to start it, but don't be afraid to end it and, yes, gave some self defence pointers.....we also told his brother that if your brother is in a fight YOU are in a fight.


Not the greatest advice I've given, but sometimes you need to find strength in numbers if you know what I mean.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

TheGreenSheep

Physical force doesn’t necessarily mean violence. We had some chronic bullying issues with DD2 being targeted by a group of boys who thought she looked like a boy pretending to be a girl (poor child looks androgynous like her mother) and DS1 picked the ringleader up, slung him over his shoulder like a sack of spuds and carried him to the principal’s office for a please explain.

 

Well done! :clap: :clap: :clap:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

TheGreenSheep


One day the kid just kept on at DS1, he persisted in saying no to the bullies demands. DS2 came from behind and smacked the kid to the ground.

 

One of our sons was on the receiving end of physical violence when he started high school - the deputy principal ended up telling him that it is OK to defend himself, strongly encouraged actually.....we told him not to start it, but don't be afraid to end it and, yes, gave some self defence pointers.....we also told his brother that if your brother is in a fight YOU are in a fight.


Not the greatest advice I've given, but sometimes you need to find strength in numbers if you know what I mean.

 

DH tells our boys the same, theyre there for one another.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

TheGreenSheep

At the moment DS2 is being targeted by a kid, tbh I don't think hes alone, the kid likes to lord things over all the kids, likes to control the play in the playground. He took particular joy in belittling DS at a district sports comp, so DS2 challenged him to a race, the kid gave up half way. DS2 has some choice words for this kid should he try it on again. Im going to speak to the school about it, just waiting for the latest instalment today. If it ever got physical DS2 would flatten the kid as there is a large size difference which is why I think its only at 'words' stage right now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My kids did years of martial arts training which I think has been very valuable. Before every class, they had to recite a mantra that their skills are only for self defence. Their interpretation of this is that you keep protecting yourself but no more than that. They trained pretty hard at martial arts and know a lot of the self defence manoeuvres. Other kids were aware of this (some of their classmates were at the same dojo) & bullying has never been an issue. I was teased and mildly bullied during my school years (mainly for being studious), so I’ve emphasised to my kids to always be inclusive and protect others if they witness any bullying.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As I worked in schools I made sure that I didn't interfere and assumed the school would help, I thought they were. DD was terribly bullied and to this day I regret that I wasn't that 'parent' or telling DD go for gold. She never suffered physical violence but that horrid verbal and social bullying (luckily I refused DD to have social media at that time).


She now has complex PTSD and bipolar diagnosis (and others) :( I wish I could throat punch that parent of the bully. Our life I bet would have been a lot easier :(


So I say to all parents let your child fight back, not start it but let them stand up for themselves and support them. I didn't support my DD like I should have and everyone in our family has paid the price :(



Fuck bullies


But the school employee in me sees the hurt and damage that bullies have been through and I have compassion - maybe that's why I let my DD's bully stomp all over her and the entire year group :(


Fuck parenting, it's hard :(

 

I'm so sorry that your daughter has been through all of that. If it makes you feel any better, I don't think telling her to retaliate physically to verbal and social bullying would have helped her much. The most painful thing about those types of bullying is that they often cannot be met head-on, hitting might have just left her more isolated from her other classmates and from her teachers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The only useful thing my deadbeat dad ever told me was if someone hits you, hit them back twice as hard. I have lived by that and it has served me well. I was never picked on because knowing I would fight back was a deterrent. I do not condone violence and I have never started a fight but I think if you don't fight back, you are giving bullies an easy target.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lucrezia Borgia

I think, in most circumstances, there is a difference between "defending yourself" and reciprocating the physical violence.

I usually liken it to the force that would be legal for an adult to use to deal with a physical assault.

 

i agree with this, i think this is the best advice here. A kid (or anyone) should always know they can defend themselves - through force (proportionate) if need be. I think some kids are unlikely to fight back and it would be good for them to have in their “arsenal” other supports and methods as well. You don’t want to get into a scenario where the standard response is “why the hell didn’t you fight back”.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

IamtheMumma

DS is about to start martial arts. He's small and teeny but has a mouth on him that will get the crap beaten out of him. I'm trying to protect him from himself. At the moment, there's a kid in his class that teases him every day. I'm doing the walk away, tell a teacher thing. I've let the teacher know about the other kid's teasing. Will see what happens in the future. DS retaliates automatically as he got a detention a couple a weeks ago for hitting another kid...who hit him first. Everyone gets into trouble at our school.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

^ What a load of shit!


My brother was bullied endlessly at School, he was a weak, skinny runt & 3yrs younger than myself, I had to physically stand up for him every day!

One day, I would've been in Yr 5 & I took on the bully who was in Yr 6.

He belted the crap out of me, winded me for all of lunch, broke my glasses, but I let loose on the prick too, got me in some good fkn punches, but after it was all over, he never picked on my brother again!

 

Wasn’t a ‘load of shit’ for me.

My anecdote doesn’t end so well as yours. My slightly younger brother belted the boy bullying and harassing me and all that did was escalate things for me. It did nothing but make it worse. (Thankfully my parents eventually put a stop to it by involving the cops - my teacher and the school principal was useless victim blaming, boy-excusing numpties).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Luminescence

There is a difference between violence, and using physical force to defend yourself. Violence is a physical action initiated upon another aimed at causing physical harm (no one has a right to do this). Force is using physical action to defend oneself after violence has been initiated against you (everyone has the right to defend themselves).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

^ What a load of shit!


My brother was bullied endlessly at School, he was a weak, skinny runt & 3yrs younger than myself, I had to physically stand up for him every day!

One day, I would've been in Yr 5 & I took on the bully who was in Yr 6.

He belted the crap out of me, winded me for all of lunch, broke my glasses, but I let loose on the prick too, got me in some good fkn punches, but after it was all over, he never picked on my brother again!

 

It's not a load of shit, it's an experience that is different to yours.


The PP's child was not being punched or hit at school (she said that explicitly), she was being bullied with words and other social cruelty.


I had limited social skills as a kid and responded to non-violent bullying with violence, it didn't end particularly well for me and I would never endorse it as a strategy for others.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Advertisement

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...