Conscious decision to NOT have children - selfish or not?

DD has made the conscious decision that she is not having children. I totally 100% support her decision and am just as vocal in supporting her when she says that.

Now we have been talking about this and the topic of whether it is selfish or not came up. I am of the opinion that yes it is but in a good way not a bad way. The definition of selfish is that you are concerned with one own personal pleasure or profit. Where not having children is concerned that to me is not a bad thing bearing in mind how much is given by parents for their children iykwim

So...the decision to not have children...selfish or not? Why or why not?

Deciding not to have children is definitely NOT selfish.

Personally I believe the decision to have a child in our society is actually self-serving in most cases. Me included.

The decision can be made and then changed. I question why it is even necessary to announce a decision such as this.

It isn't selfish to do what you are biologically programmed to do. It isn't unselfish to not have kids. To each their own.

Without knowing your DD's age this could truly pass or be a concrete decision.

All I know is that i would never be ok not being a mother while others seem perfectly content.

My sister made this announcement 4 years ago. Many rounds of ivf and she will now celebrate her daughter turning 1 next week...

Not selfish and I hate the way society implies it is. And why are women (not so much men) made to feel the need to validate their reasons not to?

Given the commitment and responsibility I'd prefer it if society's default was to make people validate their reasons they want to have children. Far too many people have children because "that's what you do". And don't start me on the bullshit of "you never regret the children you have".

So good on your daughter for knowing where she stands and making that decision.

And if at some point in the future she re-evaluates, good for her too. Both are equally valid life experiences.

I don't think it's binary at all.

It's great you are supporting your daughter's decision. Let her know that for each person the decision is made for many different reasons. Or no reason at all, it just happens by accident. And the reasons can change too.

Well I don't know, depends on the thought process I guess.

I had friends who always said they were not having kids, their reasons were literally that they were selfish- enjoyed sleeping in, going to cafes, going on holidays.

They've since changed their mind and had a baby!

Whereas other people might say they don't want to add to overpopulation etc. That's not selfish.

I probably said 'no way on this planet am I ever having kids' when I was a kid, then I had one as an adult, i said lots of things as a kid that I did differently as an adult

I have no Idea why it is selfish NOT to have children, why cannot it not be considered the same as where people work, what hobbies they have, where they go on holidays as in just another personal thing

Why does it have to matter either way?

How old is your DD? It's 1000% her decision, however I'd council her to not be too vocal about it if she's younger. I know several people who changed their minds then had to deal with the 'but you said never' rubbish. One who'd married a man who 1000% did not want children, they ended up divorced and she remarried and now has kids. You are allowed to fip flop and change your mind as much as you want, it's a big decision and external factors can change.

No one should feel obligated to have children, it is not a service that individuals owe to the community or to anyone else.

If the birthrate was in the doldrums and we were in danger of species extinction then it might be more reasonable to see this in terms of social obligation but we're not so nobody should have kids unless they really want to.

I would argue that creating a whole other being to satisfy the personal desire/yearning for a child is the selfish decision.

And I have a child!

But isn't something only selfish if it impacts negatively on others? So IMO not selfish at all.

Okay, well... bit of a difficult topic for me, because my mother was of the opinion that women's role in society was to:

a) Do what men told them, serve men, be a helpmeet etc

b) Have children (as many as your man can afford)

c) Be There For The Children (ie devote your life to them, but not at the expense of your man, because you're really Being There For Your Man)

She truly, honestly believed that if a woman failed to put herself last in every endeavour, she was a selfish bitch. Guess who got called selfish at least eight times a day her entire childhood because she didn't want to grow up to be a housewife, and tried to prioritise study ahead of housework? It took me a good number of years into my adulthood to get my head around the idea that it wasn't a binary: 100% devoted housewife and mother (no jobs unless you're a selfish bitch, lol) versus anything else.

So honestly, no, I can't find it within myself to consider somebody selfish because they don't want kids - especially if that person is a woman. I don't find it enormously selfish to decide to have kids either - maybe if you have like, nine of them - but we all contribute to society in myriad ways. For some people that involves keeping the gene pool going, for some it may involve contribution in the public sphere, and for some, both.

Both my DDs say they don't want kids. Fine by me, I'm not hugely invested in becoming a grandparent and they both have a lot to contribute, so far with their art and writing and abilities as an entertainer, for one of them, so far. If they change their minds that's cool too. Neither is selfish.

I really hope that we never get to the point when negative judgement is directed at those who choose to have children or choose to not have them.

I really hope that we never get to the point when negative judgement is directed at those who choose to have children or choose to not have them.

Any time a woman says she is not having children it is ALWAYS responded to with either:

Negative judgement because she chose not to have children; or

Pity that she is unable to have children.

I only wanted one child. I’ve been told several times I’m selfish for it. You can’t win.

I really hope that we never get to the point when negative judgement is directed at those who choose to have children or choose to not have them.

I rather thought we reached that point a couple thousand years or so ago...

I say no and DP says yes. I will just leave it at that.

Neither of my kids want kids. DD16 has articulated pretty clearly the reasons why. They mostly revolve around not wanting to give birth but also include a logical reasoning that overpopulation is a problem. DC14 has autism and is non-binary. Their reasons are partly that the idea of "normal" heterosexual relationships resulting in their own family is completely outside what they can imagine for themselves. But also that they don't want the responsibilities that I have!

So I think some of those reasons could easily be defined as selfish. But the outcome, not having kids, isn't.

I didn't want kids until my late 20s, so I don't think these things are set in stone (as I now have two!)

As for grandkids it seems we are expected to want them also, I don't not them but I can't say I actively want them either.

I will love and spoil (probably not allowed these days) if any come along but it is like anything if it happens it happens

I don't think I've ever come across judgements towards men who have chosen not to have kids, and I hope that one day we will no longer have discussions about women who chose not to have children.

It might be productive to define why having children can be viewed as unselfish and expand from there. There’s value in every individual person but the reality is environmentally we are running out of everything and the more people there are, the more they need.

Given the current socioeconomic climate and impending environmental catastrophe; I’d be more surprised if my kids did want kids of their own.

It is quite possible that many of today's children will chose this option, a couple of my grandchildren have voiced this possibility.

Whilst I know it happens I still maintain that there should be no negative judgement as to what each person's personal choice is.........whether you do or whether you don't.

NOT selfish. A decision I wish I'd had the courage to make for myself. A decision I'd be perfectly happy for my children to make.

It’s selfish TO have children. In fact, its the absolute epitome of selfish, in a rich western society, with cheap access to birth control, to have children when we have a global population. Yet, here we all (or at least many of us) are!! Anyone who tells your daughter differently is an idiot.

I didn't want children until I was in my mid to late 30s. I would never tell someone that they will change their mind but let your DD know that it is a choice she is making now but she shouldn't feel that she can't change her mind later on. I really didn't expect to change my mind but you need to be open to it. I have a child now and it is a totally selfish act. Apart from the fact that I get so much joy out of being a mother, there is the other selfish aspect that he may look after me (or my interests) when I am older. It certainly wasn't intentional but it is a reality.

And he makes a great cup of tea so totally selfish.