Am I being unfair

Would appreciate some advice as I’m not particularly clear headed at the moment.

Please don’t quote as I’ve left in some personal details for clarity I’d rather delete later on.

I’m absolutely furious with my husband right now. I had our second baby this weekend, was discharged and had to go back in for an emergency with the baby a day later. All resolved now but it was really scary at the time for both us us. Hoping to get discharged today as I loathe hospitals and just want to get home.

He’s been worried about our eldest feeling abandoned to the point that when we came home early over the weekend so we could be there on her birthday he insisted on picking her up that night despite both of us being knackered and I hadn’t slept since the birth. I was desperate for a shower and managed a 2 minute once because he wanted to go and get her.

We had an awful first night at home (not unexpected by me having done it the first time around). I had 3 hours sleep in total over 3 days.

Then on my eldest bday that day we had to rush to the ED with the new baby. It was terrifying and the hospital made a mistake making it even more frightening. I genuinely thought at one stage the new baby would need to be resuscitated or was going to die. As did my husband.

I’d say his paranoia about eldest kid feeling abandoned is now ridiculous. She’s been with her grandparents being spoiled rotten and regularly spends time including overnights with them. She’s also 4 and this has been a huge change for her and generally she’s been an angel about it all but I’m sure she is feeling confused and frightened by all the changes.

Last night she was really upset and told my husband she thought we didn’t love her anymore. I think this was in part brought on by the fact it has been a massive few days and she was overtired. I know her feelings are valid and said to bring her in to the hospital for some cuddles with me.

He’s now promised her to spend the day together but at the expense of us being discharged today because he promised to see a movie with her at midday when I’m being discharged and I can wait as he doesn’t want to break that promise as ‘all her worst fears about being abandoned’ have come true.

I’m so livid, all I want to do is be at home for the first time in days after a horrible experience and he’s making me feel horrible for insisting that we go home on time.

I’m also conscious that we’re both now needed by both kids, he’s doing his best to accommodate everyone (but IMO he’s making life exponentially harder by not leaving eldest with the grandparents until we get discharged, instead going back and forth across Sydney so that she’s not left there overnight) and then coming to us in the hospital all to make sure she doesn’t feel abandoned.

He’s also had full nights sleeps except for the first night the baby was home. I haven’t and am sure I’m not thinking clearly.

Am I being unfair or does this situation just suck?

Please no comments that he’s being a shitty parent, he’s an amazing dad and is doing is best for everyone compounded by urgent work that’s piling up for him and I’m sure is a background stressor.

Excuse typos and garbled post generally!!! I hope this makes sense.

ETA: I also have my owner business, no mat leave and am worried about the work building up.

That sounds terrible. Could you get the grandparents to pick you up and take you and the baby home, and you could shower and settle back in with them there? I know it's not the same but it's better than nothing. I definitely think he's being unfair to you but you don't want to talk/fight about it while you're this exhausted.

Also congratulations!

I don't think you're being unfair, and I don't think he's being horrible either. I think he's lost some perspective though. In the grand scheme of things it's a few days where eldest will be safe and loved and even if she's a bit worried or having trouble adjusting, she's certainly not been abandoned in any way by being left with her grandparents. You and the baby are clearly the ones in need of the most support.

I would suggest to him that he lets dd know that mummy and the baby really need him right now, and that their special day will have to wait a little bit. That he and mummy both love her just as much as ever and she is still so important to them. That its ok to be sad about missing out today. She will probably feel upset, but that is ok, kids are allowed to be upset and sit with it. It doesn't mean we don't love them, just that their needs can't always come first. In this situation I think it's reasonable for your needs to come first, you've been through a lot.

That sounds absurd, I agree with the PP that grandparents picking you up seems like a pretty decent option if it's possible. I would have thought having the whole family home together would have been the priority.

I'm a bit unclear on how hospital discharge works but surely that could be done an hour or two later otherwise to accomodate.

That sounds terrible. Could you get the grandparents to pick you up and take you and the baby home, and you could shower and settle back in with them there? I know it's not the same but it's better than nothing. I definitely think he's being unfair to you but you don't want to talk/fight about it while you're this exhausted.

Also congratulations!

No car or car seat I’m afraid. I’m tempted to get a bloody taxi home just go get the hell out of here. The midwives have been amazing but I feel gross and want a shower at home and a change of clothes.

I know you want to know if he's being unreasonable or not but I can't answer that, I'm sorry. I think whats happening here is he's madly paddling to keep your ship travelling on the same path and failing. One of the big things we had to come to terms with when our second child was born was that things were going to have to change with the way we parented DD. DD was no longer the centre of the universe. It's hard and I cried quite a bit. Thing is in hindsight I thought we were level headed and not helicopter parents and I was wrong.

DD had to learn to wait. To share. To make room. I know you've had a rough time but can you have a word with him about the fact that things will have to (gently) change for DD. You physically can't keep up the level of attention you had with one child when you have two, and honestly it was one of the best things for us as I was seriously in danger of over parenting her. DD was only just 2 when DS was born and I remember physically *aching* in sadness at the idea DD would no longer have my undivided attention.

Hospitals want you out. So as soon as the doctors sign the paperwork, they want you out to change the bed/ clean and admit the next person. You work to their rules and unless you are ill, they won't extend the time just because someone has gone to the movies. You will be stuck sitting in the lobby/ waiting area.

Your DH should just suck it up, book the movie for a later time ( in the day if possible) and pick you up. Or drop the carseat off to slmeone who can.

Sounds like your eldest may have overheard DH voicing his concerns and now it has become an issue for her because DH has made it an issue. I would be very annoyed at being in this situation. Your eldest is going to have to learn to share your attention with her younger sibling and your DH needs to learn that pandering to a 4yo's wishes at the expense of yours and the baby's wellbeing is just not on.

I was thinking the same thing Bec. How is any of this "all her worst fears about being abandoned coming true"? That's an adult way to look at it. I'd be annoyed too.

Those first days are always a big adjustment, and honestly, I think more so with a second or third child. It was very different with the second baby - my husband felt very torn between looking after our oldest, who was missing her mummy, and his need to be with me and the new baby. So very different to the first time, when it was all about me and the baby.

And that was without a birthday and emergencies with the baby to contend with.

I totally get his offer to spend the day with your oldest. The movies might not be greatest, but maybe he thought you would still be in hospital, and wouldn’t need him so it was good time. Rather that doing it after you were home and needed him? It’s a big juggle.

But I also understand the desire to get home. Honestly, if the hospital are ok with you being there just an hour or two longer, I’d let them do the movies, it will give her an exciting adventure to tell you about when they pick you up.

Other option would be your husband convinces your daughter to do the movies another day, and instead builds up the excitement of picking up mummy and baby.

Congratulation on the baby, and hopefully things will go smoother now,

I don't think you're being unfair, and I don't think he's being horrible either. I think he's lost some perspective though. In the grand scheme of things it's a few days where eldest will be safe and loved and even if she's a bit worried or having trouble adjusting, she's certainly not been abandoned in any way by being left with her grandparents. You and the baby are clearly the ones in need of the most support.

I would suggest to him that he lets dd know that mummy and the baby really need him right now, and that their special day will have to wait a little bit. That he and mummy both love her just as much as ever and she is still so important to them. That its ok to be sad about missing out today. She will probably feel upset, but that is ok, kids are allowed to be upset and sit with it. It doesn't mean we don't love them, just that their needs can't always come first. In this situation I think it's reasonable for your needs to come first, you've been through a lot.

I totally agree with what you’ve said here about her sitting with her feelings. The reality is, she can’t have our undivided attention anymore and that’s ok and in some ways good for her to grow and develop. She’s a happy, well adjusted kid (so far!) and we are all dealing with a horrible week! Quite frankly I think we are so lucky that we’ve got amazing family who can step in and make sure that she is loved and taken care of at a minutes notice. It was the one thing I wasn’t worried about!!!

I just think he is pandering to this reality that he’s built up in his head. We need help right now, my parents are ready, willing and able to help. Why does he have to make this harder than it already is!!

It sounds like he's trying to do his best to please everyone but is going to end up pleasing no-one,

Really he shouldn't have promised DD1 a trip to the movies that day. A special day together, sure, but wait until you were all home and all is well

Realistically, you are going to be discharged. You don't just get to hang around because no one can pick you up. They need the bed for the next patient. So you'll need to catch a taxi or DH (or someone else) picks you up,

Your DD1 will survive going to a later movie session. Or even tomorrow. So he needs to suck it up and tell her that.

I think it’s just a really sucky situation all round. I’m afraid I am with your husband because I would want my eldest home ASAP too. I think it’s really important that they don’t feel like they’ve been pushed aside for the baby. You can get away with it a bit when they’re younger but at 4 they understand.

Where he went wrong was to overpromise. The movie was too much, he needed to make that a bit vaguer like “when mummy and the baby are home and feeling better how about we go and do something special together”. My husband was awesome at setting off on adventures with our eldest after we had our second child. I remember feeling incredibly emotional and almost guilty that we had disrupted her life by bringing home another baby when she was really still a baby herself. I got over it of course, it was just the exhaustion and hormones talking.

99% of the time the whole divide and conquer thing works brilliantly and everyone gets a parent. Your husband has just not quite hit the mark with this one but I think his intentions are right as you need to bring your oldest along on this journey with you and make sure she feels part of things. I hope your second arrival at home is much smoother and congrats on the new arrival!

You’re not being unfair- you’re exhausted and stressed, and your husband has in trying to make everything okay for your older child inadvertently made things more complicated for everyone.

Get home however you can, get some sleep, and tell him later that you understand he’s trying to help but you’re absolutely beyond it and need to rest - and if that means big kid goes to the grandparents for a few nights to be spoiled rotten, so be it.

Big kid will be a bit confused and worried to begin with, but it won’t be long before she adjusts.

Nope, you are right, but I think your DP is also "trying" to do the right thing.

I would suggest that you focus on yourself and your newborn. Try to get some sleep before discussing with DP. Although I do think you are right, can you find it within yourself to let this issue go this time? Hopefully by the weekend you will be able to discuss it calmly with your DP.

I am actually with him on wanting the older kid home. I couldn’t deal with my older kids not being with us when we brought the new babies home especially if it was their birthday. We also have great families who adore our kids but it was important to me that we were all adjusting together. So I would have done as he did regarding that.

I think he is trying to adjust, just as you are. He missing the mark a little and going to end up letting everyone down, which is not helpful to anyone in the long run.

I would focus on getting home and settling in and then trying to discuss the topic, once you feel up to it.

Congrats on the new baby.

It really takes a while to get the balance right with a new baby. Everyone is trying, I think it is really good that he is concerned about the older child.

But yeah I get your feelings too. No advice, just congrats on the new baby, and hope things settle down for you all soon.

I get not wanting her to feel rejected but why can’t he wait for you to get out of the hospital first! He sounds like he might be panicking a bit and overcompensating. I do that too if I feel out of control, I just pick something small and then focus on that, because I feel like if I can’t control at least one thing I’ll completely lose it. Problem is the reality is you and the baby actually are the literal first priority right now. It’s not an optional thing it’s just reality. He needs to step back and just think you and baby first. Your DD isn’t alone, she has her grandparents to love and support her as well, so she’s completely safe and fine, not abandoned.

I'm actually with your husband also. I don't know why you are worried about people judging him as a shitty parent? I think he's doing an amazing job making sure that your eldest child's needs are not being overlooked in the haze of a new baby arriving in the family - even if he hasn't quite nailed the execution of this.

I get that many people would prefer to have the older child looked after elsewhere while they settle in, but it isn't wrong to prefer that not happen. I'd have hated that, it's just lucky that DH and I were on the same page with that.

I agree with pretty much [mention]Kreme[/mention]'s entire post.

I also understand the desperation to get home after being in hospital with a sick baby. It's a dreadful feeling, and I remember feeling almost panicked about it when DS2 had to be admitted on 2 occasions as a newborn. It's such a shock, unplanned, scary, not at all restful when you've just birthed a whole new person.

I hope you can come up with a compromise that works for everyone!

Congrats on your new baby!

And by the way, CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I'm actually with your husband also. I don't know why you are worried about people judging him as a shitty parent? I think he's doing an amazing job making sure that your eldest child's needs are not being overlooked in the haze of a new baby arriving in the family - even if he hasn't quite nailed the execution of this.

I get that many people would prefer to have the older child looked after elsewhere while they settle in, but it isn't wrong to prefer that not happen. I'd have hated that, it's just lucky that DH and I were on the same page with that.

I agree with pretty much @Kreme's entire post.

I also understand the desperation to get home after being in hospital with a sick baby. It's a dreadful feeling, and I remember feeling almost panicked about it when DS2 had to be admitted on 2 occasions as a newborn. It's such a shock, unplanned, scary, not at all restful when you've just birthed a whole new person.

I hope you can come up with a compromise that works for everyone!

Congrats on your new baby!

Thanks Lou-bags and Kreme, this is definitely why I was asking for some fresh perspectives as I feel like I’m in zombie mode and can’t process anything properly right now! I actually feel like I’m underwater I’m so tired!

The shitty parent was me reacting to a previous EB thread where Id asked for advice and someone said he sounded like a shit parent which was completely unwarranted and a literal misreading of what I’d posted. I’m on the verge of tears constantly right now and couldn’t cope with the thought of a pile on against him, when I do think this entire post is a result of him trying to do the best for everyone and making sure that our eldest is emotionally secure and happy even if I don’t agree with how he’s handled it.

I feel for you, its such a juggle going from 1-2. I can understand both sides of this. I would get a grandparent to pick you up if its an option. I did find when having new babies, my priority was more on the older kid and keeping things "normal" for them. It really did help all of us in the long run as we weren't battling with big emotions from the older kid on top of a newborn.

I feel for you, its such a juggle going from 1-2. I can understand both sides of this. I would get a grandparent to pick you up if its an option. I did find when having new babies, my priority was more on the older kid and keeping things "normal" for them. It really did help all of us in the long run as we weren't battling with big emotions from the older kid on top of a newborn.

My eldest was only 17 mths when my second was born so neither of them knew what the hell was going on LOL. But a couple of friends who had bigger age gaps were completely knocked sideways when it was the usually calm and compliant older child who lost the plot after they brought the baby home. An angry and distressed four year old is a force of nature!

You’re not being unfair at all. My DH wanted to delay me leaving hospital after DD was born so he could take our DS to his swimming lesson. He believed the continuity in DS routines were really important but for me the idea of not leaving hospital as soon as I was discharged made me incredibly anxious - I was desperate to get home. In the end, he bought DS to the hospital to pick us up and it was really lovely leaving the hospital as a family. Would that work for you? You could all watch a movie together at home.

Well in news that won’t surprise anyone, they are still working on my paperwork and it will be at least another hour.

I hate hospitals so much and feel like a jerk because everyone is just doing their best!

Will delete this thread for now, thanks everyone for the sage advice. I’ve calmed down and am feeling better just for having people to talk too.